The FARANG Speaks 2 Much

Yes folks its that time of the year again that all expats in Thailand hate - time to renew the 1 year visa. How fun. In the past I usually went to Penang to humbly ask the Thai Embassy for the right to stay in Thailand while I pay taxes, support bar girls and spend more money than I take in but even being as generous as I am - Thailand still wants a stupid amount of paperwork for that precious little sticker in my overstuffed Passport. So here is the tale of my sojourn to Kuala Lumpur in all its - well splendor. Just remember folks sometimes I do it for the sake of having something to write it about. Think of it like a reporter on the front line in Beirut - he does not really want to be there but he knows he will get a better story. Well. He is getting paid stupid amounts of money so I guess the analogy sucks but we need good copy so I sacrificed for the team. Read on…

Packed and ready to roll I headed to the aiport about 2 hours before my flight. Usually this is my normal time - meaning if my flight is at 5:45pm then I will leave my apartment at 3:45pm and hope for the best. Stupid me. This is my old habit of leaving little time to spare knowing that I used to be a man of "status" - traveling warrior status. In my old life I used to average about 200,000 miles a year flying all over Asia with occasional trips back to the US. I had a member card for everything and I was always in the "special" lines, getting upgrades, picking my seat, using the preffered immigration line and so on but this time I was just another lemming standing in a huge line at the Thai Air Asia counter.

So I found little sympathy in my heart when the customer behind me started complaining about how long the line was and kept nudging his luggage cart into the back of my legs. I did not have to turn around to know the impatient fellow was Indian and had a New Delhi accent. After bumping me again I turned around to confirm my suspicions while asking him to stop bumping me. He did. But then 5 minutes later he decided to make a break for the front of the line but in doing so he ran over my foot which really pissed me off since I always wear my Tevas. So I followed him to the counter and told the nice Thai people that he was cutting in line and was running over old Chinese people heading for KL (based on the later events I wish it were true). I have seen this before but the Thais don’t care for line cutters and they don’t like Indian line cutters on top of it. They told him to go back to the end and he did.

So after 45 minutes in line, ensuring that the hasty Indian did not get past me, I was up at the counter. Can I have an aisle seat please? Sir - there are no seat assignments. Great - I get to fight the Indian guy and 150 old Chinese people for seats on a budget flight to KL. Someone give me my status back please? Okay. Through immigration, which BTW is getting much better these days since the Thais have figured out how to use a computer with a stupid looking camera attached to it, and off to the Gate. Gate 33. Remember it well. 3 false starts on the boarding call which was so funny since I did not know old Chinese people could sprint that fast, line up and then slowly return to their seats when they finally understand that the plane was not boarding. It was like yelling fire and then saying oops sorry have a seat but when they return to their seats we take one away. Like a special game of musical chairs. I was loving it.

Okay. Real boarding call and I jump up and secure position 15 in line 2. Not bad and gives me hope for an aisle seat. I lived in Hong Kong for over 4 years and generally I have come to learn that older Chinese have no respect for lines, personal space and they especially don’t like being told that this is an issue to begin with. Well - I have thick skin and I know how to deal with it. Position 15 secured I was starting to notice that one old guy was yelling at another old women in some language - actually they weren’t yelling but just speaking they way they normally do in Cantonese which can sound like 2 people threatening to kill each other in tones not discernable by anyone but an alien with special listening equipment. Well the conversation seemed to mean that all the old people from one line, not mine, should shift to line 2, my line, and proceed to the front of the line. I acted quick and thank god I remembered to wear my personal body blocking device(learned this technique riding to work on the Hong Kong MTR) - so I jumped ahead a few notches in the line and did a small sweeping motion back and forth with my backpack to clear out the folks behind me to ensure that they could not move past me. This whole exercise actually got me to postion 5 in line and kept the herds behind me. Yes. Aisle seat won and off to KL.

Plane delayed and bumpy ride was had by all but we got into KL okay but way late. I ate the food on the plane. That I had to pay for. I think if u have to pay for food it should taste good. It didn’t. Nor did the air hostesses look very hot. Usually they always do on most Asian airlines except for Sri Lankan air, all indian airlines and now it would seem Thai Air Asia. It was a Malay staff so I hold hope that flying Thai Air Asia with Thais would rectify this situation.

Bag located and off to the Taxi stand. I was told my coupon for where I needed to go would cost about 56 RM but I had no money and needed to go change some. I had to walk across the terminal to another building to change some money. Should have seen the look at the money changer’s face when I handed her 10,000 baht in 100’s. She must have thought I was suspicious or something. Whatever. Its legit. Money changed I head back to get my Taxi coupon. This is where my love affair of Malaysia always ends. Anytime I have to deal with the taxis. They are the worst in Asia - right up there with Manila in my book. So this guy says where do I need to go and I tell him. He says he will give me a deal. Sure buddy and my mom loves strippers. I say how much and he says 90 RM. Wow. What a deal. I tell him to go clean his taxi with his tongue and the leftover napkin I have from my special in flight meal. Only I laugh.

I go back and get my coupon and get a cab. My cab is a Proton, they all are - a tribute to one of the many failed Malaysian experiements for prosperity. It is on the same page as the Maylasian Grand Prix, the Malaysian Super Corridor, CyberJaya and so on. Keep in mind that this is a country where about 30% of the employed masses work for the government. Off to the tollway and I take a nap but I have a hard time doing anything close to reclining so it is not much of a rest. This whole taxi, air asia line, plane and taxi cycle reminds me of why I quit my old job and decided to come to Thailand in the first place. Good decision.

My taxi drops me at the Allson Genesis which is a decent hotel in the Bukit Bintang area. I like this area because I can walk to clubs, has some good street food and was an easy ride to the Thai Embassy. I booked this through the blog’s official travel partner - DTC Travel. I was authoring my posts at an internet cafe that was basically an online gaming den complete with dark lighting and no air-conditioning but I wisened up and found the Ole Cafe on 48, Jalan Changkat which appears to have free wi-fi but I have not paid my bill yet to know for sure. Nice people though since I needed to hit the toliets after 2 cups of coffee and they offered to watch my machine. Respect.

I check in and cruise around for some street food and settle on some Chinese noodles. Nothing special. I then head over to the Beach club. It was pumping as usual but I could not believe the cover charge was 25 RM with one drink. Robbery in my book considering for 500 Baht u get into Bed in Bangkok with 2 quality drinks and amazing DJs but I was too tired to go anywhere else. I did the rounds and was not impressed so I started walking the streets to get home. I was really amazed at how many ladyboys were lurking on the street near some of the bigger hotels. I tried talking to them in Thai but it appears they were Malay and Phillipino ladyboys but there were quite a few. It was already 1 am and I was tired since I had been up since 8 and needed to get up early to go get in line for the Visa so I called it a night.

Tomorrow - the visa line,wifi hell, and if u close your eyes does it really matter?