In the last 2 days I have been fleeced twice, once each day. Only small amounts, but sometimes the amount is not the issue.
IT’S THE PRINCIPLE.
As you can’t fight city hall in Thailand without considerable expense, I thought I’d seek solace in the cathartic experience of sharing the story with a mango reader or two.
The tail of woe ensues. Be gentle with me if you are moved to comment. I am fragile right now.
I have some small time business interests in Thailand. Keeps the wolf from the door. (Apologies to those with a hairy back who frequent this site.) One business supplies me with access to a vehicle, which most times is a 4-door pick up. Not exactly a chick magnet, but it gets me around Thailand. I have an International Drivers License. Big deal.
You know the drill, you are peacefully negotiating the BKK traffic and the sheriff waves his gloved hand in the air, indicating he wants to have a conversation with you about a matter near and dear to his heart. That is, your alleged traffic infringement. I have been busted and dusted five times in two years. The cops love nailing a Farang as we tend to have more money. Mostly I get caught in the wrong lane and don’t turn left or right when it is apparently painted as a must do on the road. It might be painted on the road, but when it is under 3 layers of asphalt or bumper-to-bumper traffic, it’s a bit tricky to see, let alone react to.
When I am called upon to have a conversation with the constabulary, so as to avoid having my license taken into custody, and then having to find my way to some obscure police station to pay the fine, and then trying find my way back to this nice man who is looking after my license, I tend to favor the local custom of paying the “on the spot fine.” And to give credit where credit is due, many of those who serve and protect us have been polite enough to salute after they have pocketed the 200 baht I keep secreted in the license.
But 2 days ago was just one Fuzz too many. I had decided to drive on the elevated toll-way to get to Chonburi. I exited Petchaburi Road and paid the 30 baht and headed off. Sunshine, blue sky, great day, light traffic and smooth cement augmented by The Steve Miller Band version of “Big Ol Jet Airliner” booming from the stereo. Despite my urge to lay some rubber, having seen a speed camera on this concrete plinth on a previous trip, I stick to the 80km limit. I am as happy as a pig in shit.
About 15-20 minutes or so later, I approached the next tollgate and I could see gate/lane 5 was free, so I drove to it. I collected the token and as the boom gate rose, out from behind the tollbooth jumps the man in the tight suit. He must have been an ugly pusser ‘cos he also had on a medical mask. Up goes the gloved hand and signals me to stop. So fuck me dead, what could it be this time? Despite the fact that his face was concealed behind this white mask, I could tell the turd was smiling.
It: “Where you come from?”
Me: Udon Thani
It: “License”
Me: Sure.
It: “You come lane 5. Pick up go lane 1 or 2.”
Me: There is no sign. I come to empty gate.
It: “No. Cannot.”
At this stage I decide to get out of the car and have a discussion. He taps his hip iron and says get back in car. I obliged.
It: “Limit 80 on road. Have laser. You 120, too quick.”
Me: I drove at 80. I know. Show me laser.
It: “You pay 500 baht 7 day Bangkok police station.”
Me: Why, I not do something wrong.
It: “Ok 15 day, 1000 baht. I keep license.”
At this juncture I produced 200 baht and put it too him.
It: “No, is 1000.”
Me: No have. Mai Mee. Song roy (200) is OK!
It: “No is 1000 and 7 day and I keep license.”
A bold step was needed. I took my license from his hand and said, I will keep my license, here is 200 baht and finish.
OK.
He took the 200 and walked off. This was truly a dog fuck.
My second jag happened yesterday with a short time girl. I know, you are all waiting with baited breath to see how she ripped me off. Well, that’s not the story. I saw this girl I fancied and as you do, negotiated a deal. Given I was on the road, I needed a short time room so we found a hotel that looked ok and we checked in. 650baht for the room and a deposit of 300 baht for the mini bar. I always feel mini bar deposits are bullshit and if they want to fill their rooms with consumable stuff, it should be their problem. But in this day and age, it becomes the punters’ problem.
So we get settled in the sack, knock back a couple of coldies I had brought from the 7/11 and get stuck into doing the wild thing. She is a great looking woman and I didn’t mind having a sound inspection of her accessories. Marvelous I say, absolutely marvelous.
Anyway, after the vinegar stroke, we settle down for a quick nap. At about 2am, we are up for the shower, re robed and checking out.. I swing by the cashier and ask for my 300 baht. “One moment, check room.”
About 5 minutes later, the phone rings and clears the refund. She is about to hand me the cash when the phone rings again.
“Oh, one moment sir, you dirtied a towel.”
Well of course I used a towel, it comes with the room.
“One moment sir.”
Now cooling my heals is not one of the things I do well. And when its bullshit, I find my heals and head get a bit heated.
5 minutes later, the busboy appears with a soiled sheet. It appeared to have blood-stains on it. I asked the girl I was with if she had been bleeding and she said no. I hadn’t seen any evidence of it either. I inspected the stains and they were well and truly washed into the fabric. I am breaking into a heated argumentative state, and it was clearly embarrassing the girl. The cashier says, “Sorry sir, I charge you 200 baht.”
By this stage I was steaming. I told them to jam the other hundred baht where it would fit and stomped out. This was a goat fuck. I did lay some rubber in their car park.
I wish I could think of a smart arse moral to this little tale, but one escapes me. I do feel better for having sounded off.
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“It might be painted on the road, but when it is under 3 layers of asphalt or bumper-to-bumper traffic, it’s a bit tricky to see, let alone react to.”
Oh man, you have to get with the picture. Next time your little teeruk for the night asks for money for a sick water buffalo, just tell her,
“No, but if you can get me those glasses that see through 3 layers of asphalt and translate the Thai Roadsigns to English, I’ll give you B1,000. I can’t find them anywhere.
Problem solved. You’ll probably have your choice of lens frames, too. Be warned you might have to pay extra for delivery.
I’ll leave the sheet/towel scam to the pros in Khrong Thep.
Great post….thx for sharing.
View all comments by The Asian Badger
I would think the moral of the story would be…
Establish a good relationship with one short-time hotel so problems like this never arise.
In China, we call this creating “guangxi”…and it works like a charm.
View all comments by Indu WangZi
Good little read.
- I once wrote my initials on the bed sheets in the New York Plaza after giving my girl a good fingering in the nought.
Although, at $1500 per night, I think I had the right.
View all comments by Daywalker
Badger, thanks. I think those glasses come from the same firm that makes the spray on condom. Aside from that, many signs are in English as well, but often they require local knowledge to figure out what they apply to. And traffic lights, that’s a post on its own.
As it is, the cops are not interested in improving traffic flow or nailing dick heads that don’t have tail lights, indicators and a steering wheel fitted. Fuzz, like pubic hair, congregate at hot spots of congestion, or manufacture congestion, and “wave” a lot.
IW, chinese proverb: Confucious say “man who have sex in cemetry, fucking near dead.” Another one, “Have Car Will Travel” reads the card of a man…” (sorry Mr Palindrome) I would need to set up a net work of ST rooms. Maybe the solution is for Travelodge to offer a deal to us roadies.
Usually, the door is the second thing to bang when I hit the ST room, but from now on I will check the hammock before getting down to it.
View all comments by WRECKS
DW: Yes I remember seeing them the next day. Helvetica font as I recall, italics too. Very tasteful.
View all comments by WRECKS
REX: I am glad to see you have progressed from being a Chambermaid.
View all comments by Daywalker
@ Wrecks: interesting. You should name the ST hotel so that we know and avoid it.
View all comments by SukPsycho
The Galaxy Suites in Pattaya is infamous for that bloodied-sheet scam. At 500 baht, it’s already expensive for an ST, but the room was nice and I hadn’t been in them. So I relented.
When you go in you’re asked for 1,000 baht. WTF? 500 is for “room deposit.”
We do the deed and after I make my own “room deposit” we exit. I go downstairs to get my 500 back and get the “one minute” routine you mentioned. Same thing: Lady make blood on sheet.
I had looked at the bed before we left (as I couldn’t find my socks) and it was clean. Fortunately, I’d been to Heaven Above a few times before and knew one of the farang owners and demnanded to see him. He eventually comes up and I raise hell farang to farang. My 500 is returned.
I, however, will never be returning for a room there.
View all comments by Banglamung
I drive quite often on the Bang na epxressway. Several times this year a cop has tried to pull me over after I have paid the toll and the barrier has gone up. However I just look the other way and floor it.
However last month this happened I didn’t realise that the cop was in full motorcycle gear so he just jumped on his bike and set off after me, with red light flashing. I was ahead of him and tired to hide in front of a lorry but he came up on the inside.
I turned off sharply at the first exit and either he didn’t see me or didn’t care but the bike kept on going. I never say him again. But it got my heart pumping for a while.
View all comments by MSB
DW: I still do the chambermaid thing, I just love the outfit.
SP: I will go and have a look at the sign again next time I am there. Give them a free plug…attached to 220 volts
Bangla: Sounds like there is a franchise on the sheet scam. I wonder who owns it.
MSB: You must be an adrenalin freak. These boys are packing as well, so I imagine the pulse would have been around 250. The other thing is, you have a number plate. They do have one working computer in Fuzzville, so the long arm of the law may come your way. Tell them you mother in laws sick buffalo was about to give birth and you had do be there for the delivery. Works every time.
View all comments by WRECKS
I got stopped after that toll booth and the 1000 baht scam was pulled on me. But I was in a hurry and had been doing 140km/h so couldn’t really argue.
Anyway, this was a source of much amusement (and to be fair, mild shame) to my humble Thai in-laws. The next week, exactly the same happened to one of them, and they got hit with the same 1000 baht full whack. So they’re not necessarily just targeting farangs, or even rich Thais.
It’s just greedy Bangkok policemen I reckon, with their gambling habits and grabbing little pale skinned suburban mia nois to support. Those classy girls you see in the g-clubs.
Whenever I’ve been stopped in the Wild East it’s invariably been a much more pleaant exchange. The coppers have been gracious and happy to give a warning or 100-200 baht. I’ve even on occasion left feeling like I was helping the guy out.
View all comments by Combover
A good read Wrecks - keep em coming
View all comments by doctorbond
co - u are correct I think they will hit anything that moves and that might have money but I can assure you no g club honey is going out with the men in brown…
View all comments by sideshowBOB
Well, not a traffic cop perhaps, so I suppose green. And “going out” might be overstating the romance in the relationship.
View all comments by Combover
Not a good week then WRECKS, and I feel your pain. The only way to deal with these scamming fucks in Hotels/GoGos etc is to name and shame and hit the fuckers where it hits most by voting with our feet. Please do return with the Hotel name when you pass again.
As for the BIB, well this is something that I guess we’ve all come to accept over time. On a positive note you can take comfort from knowing that when you do get pulled for a legitimate offence like an overlooked tax disc/speeding/no helmet on bike etc then it can be delt with in a similar way and without too much fuss or hassle. Swings and roundabouts I guess.
View all comments by Catman
I’m interested you have an international license - I’ve never driven in BKK, but I’ve been told the policemen don’t like international licenses? I use mine out here on the perimeter. It was issued in France, and it’s well out of date, but it doesn’t matter - here, the cops just want to have a laugh. Really.
View all comments by Pants Elk
Double Dip: Forgot to say, good piece, thanks for sharing
Typo in previous post (Hurts not Hits)
View all comments by Catman
kinda sad that this shit keeps on happening and we are supposed to just accept it as “thai culture”.
View all comments by anonzo
go back there and put a dead kipper under or in the mattress. It’ll take a couple of days to start stinking but well worth the effort.
View all comments by TeenageFC
‘This was a goat fuck. I did lay some rubber in their car park.’
You did say it was a girl, but given your previous comments refer to ‘Goats” quite frequently can you confirm it was a 2 legged girl or the 4 legged version.
As for laying rubber, was that from the tyres of your 2.5 litre twin cab ute, or the used condoms you threw out of the wi\
ndow.
View all comments by docsmith
CO: Maybe a photo or 2 of these honorable gents in the local rag might be possible. I am considering setting up the video on the back seat next time I head that way.
James, thank you. Obviously a man of class.
SSB: surely one sherrif has pulled a g club gal even if only to do a breathaliser.
Felix: A person near and dear got pulled over, 2 passengers on the back. Seems that 3 up is illegal. The dog took the bike key and she had to stuff around and pay the fine and then find this knob and get the key back. As she is riding back to her digs, a copper goes past with 2 on the back. What pisses me off is the indiscrimante application of made up rules. No swings, only fucking roundabouts.
PE: I always carry my home based licence, my international licence and my laminated passport copy. I start with intern/l and then drag out the others if they are asked for. The best licence to have is a business card from the local head of the gendarmes (sp?). That sure gets a snappy salute and a smile if I drag that out in the right province.
Anon: this is not Thai culture. It is agriculture…wading through bullshit.
TFC: The fish idea is a good one. We nailed a dead fish under my bosses desk. It reeked for ages and he could not find it. I am chuckling as I write.
View all comments by WRECKS
Doc bond, aka James and now DocSmith???. Ok do you have a PHD? Ok, so I like the odd goat. I don’t mean odd goats, just normal goats, but at odd times. As for post coital rubber, after I have chewed on it for a while I usually throw it in the bin. Doesn’t everyone?
View all comments by WRECKS
Wrecks
- first of all, can I have a pint of what you’re drinking?
- DocSmith DocBond - we are easy to tell apart - Smithy is the low slung holster six shooter kinda guy who spits in the street and says “I’ve come for me paw” whereas I’m the ‘wheely in an Aston’ sorta chap who uses an ejector seat to bring tedious conversations with hostile asians to an end.
View all comments by doctorbond
James, is that stirred, not shaken? A pint of it? Milk comes in pints, or at least it used to. My poison is woddkaa. After a pint I would not tell anyone apart, let alone two PHd’s. Acually, doc smith is kinda like doc holiday, so if we had docsmith and docbond and doc holiday sitting under a nought, we would have 3 degrees below zero.
Happy Loy kertouy or what ever it is. I have just finished a couple of WOOODKAAAS so where me goat?
Goodnight. Off to court tomorrow. That’s another post another day.
View all comments by WRECKS
The last time I gave Mr. Tight Brown Pants 200 baht it was to give me a right from Kata to Patong (about 20 min ride) I had asked him if there were any motorbike taxis and he said. “I’ll take you! (price was the same and yes, it’s expensive here in Phuket.) Never underestimate their willingness to make a quick baht, for any reason!
I have also paid out my share of “on-site fines”, and while it’s a pain in the ass, it’s nothing compared to back in the states. When I lived in California I was pulled over for speeding and got hit for 300 US$, plus my car insurance rates subsequently shot though the roof after just one ticket. Now that sucked!
View all comments by I Phukit
Funny post. Brown is an appropriate color for their uniforms. These guys are turds. Dog turds at that. Dick-cheese under the foreskin of life
Ive never actually been fleeced by these ringworms, but seen them at work. Kinda sad that normal thai folk have to accept these cunts as their law enforcement. Had 2 of these uniformed stool samples stop me coming outside the built-in convinience store in my apartment. I had no shirt on as i just popped down to get some essentials (fruit mentos, milk and jonny-bags)
Walking past them they asked where my shirt was. Told them it was up in my room. “500baht” one of the podgy cretins chirped. I laughed and kept walking. They didnt pursue. Wankers
View all comments by Young Penfold
I am wondering if it makes sense to take a picture of the sheets / room / mini-bar / etc before leaving a short time room. So when one gets the fleece you can show the picture with things intact and let them save face by saying to them “Maybe mistake, check wrong room?”
With photo-capable mobile phones this shouldn’t be too difficult? Just a thought.
View all comments by TokyoTom
TokyoTom is on to something here. To avoid this scam it seems you can call the front desk and tell them you are ready to check out and want somebody to come check the room to make sure the minibar is untouched and the towels are the original colors while you’re still in the room. Solved.
Makes you appreciate the Penthouse and PB hotels of lower Suk. You prepay for the room and when you are done you just leave.
View all comments by pmmp
Proof positive that being a policeman in Asia is an entreprenurial undertaking.
View all comments by Indu WangZi
“It might be painted on the road, but when it is under 3 layers of asphalt..”
Last Xmas, just outside of Ubon, one of the local cops pulled me over for driving straight through in a left turn only lane.
“where is sign ?” I ask.
“On road” he points (to a newly resurfaced and blank stretch of bitumen !! )
“Look, no sign … new road’
He points to my GF, “lady you, where she come from ?”
I make a big mistake and tell him from just up the road.
“she live here, she must know. no need sign.’
My GF tells me to shut up, gives him a 100baht donation to their New Year party, and off we go.
One thing that always worried me were the “city Limit -slow down” signs with no speed limit visible. What was the limit supposed to be ? i asked my GF, and her sister who owns the car, nobody knew, so I just slowed down to 60kph and let everybody else tear past me at around 90….
View all comments by Mike
yes the bib are turds ,but you can make it easyer/cheaper -never carry much big money in your wallet -especially along the elevated toll ways.ive had big arguments with cops there too -going too fast,blue led lights around fog lights ,tinted windows ect.i always tell them no not guilty.then pull out mbike license,then say no i not go to police station ,finally show almost empty wallet and tell them im going to chiang mai or laos or somewhere remote and cannot come back -they all give in when faced with too many problems 100-200 bht max never more .just baffel them with bullshit -works for me –happy driving
View all comments by zepplin
I find myself in the astonishing position of defending Thai gendarmes. I’ve been stopped one time in BKK, in a cab (!), and had to get out while he frisked me, giving special and surprising attention to my arse (boyishly firm and trim, since you arsked), and when he didn’t find any drurgs on me (uninterested in ID, but went through my wallet and every pocket), turned his attention to my phone. “Same same phone me!” he grinned. So did I. We parted with salutes. Weird. Here in the far provinces of the Kingdom, the cops are a blast. They’re very pleased to have a chat, big grins, and like I say, I don’t have a valid license but have never had any stiff-faced aggression. May I suggest always smiling broadly and genuinely when dealing with them? Can’t make anything worse.
View all comments by Pants Elk
Double-dip: And I’d much prefer handing over a couple of hundred baht to paying a real fine, anyway. At least, if it’s deserved. If you get fined for nothing, just add it to the “expenses” column and move on.
View all comments by Pants Elk
I’m not sure where I’ve been going wrong, but having lived here for going on three years now, I still haven’t handed over a single satang to a cop.
Closest I came was when my taxi was pulled over a while back. The cop, disappointed that I wasn’t carrying any drugs, tried to stiff me for not carrying a passport.
He told me I could either give him a thousand baht, or accompany him to the police station.
I told him that I would love to go to the police station.
He didn’t want to go to the police station. So I got back into the taxi, and went to the pub.
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
bbb - no reason to really unless you are doing something wrong. for sure if u got busted throwing a cig on lower suk you would be paying. for sure.
it is mostly when driving. I got knicked all the itme on the motorbike.
View all comments by sideshowBOB
@ssB: Sure, but I have strewn discarded cigarette butts all over Bangkok.
I’ve never even *seen* a cop on cig bust duty.
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
Hi all, back from court. Thanks for comments.
IP: Novel idea to be passenger for the cop. Did you have a helmet (and I don’t mean the polishing end of your grub.)
YP: You can fess up, you were only in your jocks and your nuts were hanging out.
TT: Top idea. I can also get a happy snap of the lady at the same time.
Always tricky getting the camera out, especially with the lighting guy and the sound engineer lokking over my shoulder.
PMMP: As usual, ever thoughtful.
IW: Cops the world over. I have a few mates in the game and they tell it like it is when they are pissed.
Mike: I tried to ascertain speed limits today. Still uncertain but 120 seems to be acceptable in built up areas and 400 on the open road if you have a Benz.
Zepplin & PE: You 2 have a gift. I always look like a grogan, and when I smile, I look likle a smiling grogan. (grogan is slang for turd in my land)
View all comments by WRECKS
bbb - I dare you to stroll from soi 8 to soi 12 midday strewing your spent butts as you go. Let us know how much u pay.
View all comments by sideshowBOB
BBB: You live a charmed life.
SSB: You do not live a charmed life.
View all comments by WRECKS
Heh.
That’s the thing though, I’ve done that countless times.
Must just be lucky I guess.
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
w - I have never paid either. I just get harassed.
bbb - they just did not see u throw it but I see these guys get people about every other day on my walk home. they start at 2k baht too.
u have been lucky.
View all comments by sideshowBOB
BBB: Just stand next to the empty flower pot between the steps to Bangkok Bank for about 2 mins , the dumpy mut will stroll up and dig out a old cig butt and try to blame you for it..
Yes truth be told they got me 1 time also, 2nd time I fucked with him playing hide and seek in the bus stand …
when I first moved to soi4 , one night i was waiting to cross sukhumvit and forgot the cop was right above me in the cop box, put my butt out right on the thing then looked up to see him shaking his head at my stupidity, he let me off with a friendly warning.
View all comments by AnotherBarBoss
I’ve been sat smoking on the steps of Bangkok Bank more than once.
Perhaps I am the luckiest man in Bangkok - the Indian dickhead on Khao San last night certainly seemed to think so…
100 baht to rub my tummy for good luck?
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
I’d pay at least 100 baht to *not* rub your blubbery beer balcony. Yeeeeeuch.
View all comments by Pants Elk
Go on then
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
BBB: That Indian dick head, he must have heaps of rellies or he moves around a lot. He, or one of his kin said (as I walked past) “I know your mother.” Well, that got my attention. I backed up and got in his face.
“Right, what’s her name then?”
While his mouth flapped in the breeze, I gave him some advice about his mother not being married to his father. DICK HEAD.
A week or so later I saw him hassling this white female tourist. She was too polite. I am not. I did it for her. “Fuck off and leave her alone num nuts.”
She was most grateful. No not that grateful, but appreciated being extricated from his slimy presence.
View all comments by WRECKS
BBB: Thats it then your in with them I see it now, your the one who’s smokes they pull out from that fucking bin….
hope they are sharing the wealth..
View all comments by AnotherBarBoss
This has always worked for me, and I’ve done it probably a dozen times.
I did actually end up at the police station for a couple of hours recently, but it was because I was trying to file a complaint against someone else.
Due to the circumstances, the cops could have given me a hard time or hit me up for cash. In fact, the Boys in Brown were perfectly professional.
http://rawbangkok.com/2008/11/14/going-to-the-cop-shop/
View all comments by Werewolf
WW: WHat are you doing up at this hour? Get mummy wolf to tuck you in.
View all comments by WRECKS
I was thinking the same thing about the photograph but they could always claim the photo was taken before you stained the sheets. Better to call them up to look at the sheets while you are standing there. Quite difficult for them to do a swap on you if you’re standing there watching.
I’ve never been hit up by the coppers but I saw one of the after-hours booze stalls on Sukhumvit get asked for a donation to the policeman’s ball. BIB rolled up and started a heated exchange with the stall owner. He left to go shake down some other stall owners and I asked what that was about. She told me he wanted some money so she reached in her purse and took out a few hundred baht. He came back, she handed him the cash right in front of me and he and his partner left with big smiles on their faces.
View all comments by Billy Bangkok
Given my apparent abundance of karma on the cigarette police front, it’s with much timidity that I point out that, if anyone should be paying for soiled sheets, it’s probably me…
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
BB: Photo shoot is right. Might be better to stain them with them watching. Could be interesting.
I went to the policeman’s other ball once.
BBB: you are in for Truck-ma, not car-ma. (truckma is bigger.)
View all comments by wrecks
Ha, truckma! Nice!
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
The cop thing in Thailand never ceases to amaze me. Does the news ever report on these guys? Its one thing to pay them off if you were actually speeding, but they choose anyone randomly (thai and foreigners), and always try to find something wrong. If nothing wrong, they pull some bullshit about speeding at the end. I went ahead and got my thai license, to ease the annoyances with these guys. It has helped some, but there is still some arguing that takes places between parties. It sounds funny, but when I hit the tollbooth or checkpoints, I put my hat on and roll down the sleeves. Pretty sad, but do what you gotta do right?
The hotel scam, I had some shady place in Phuket one time, say me and my friends opened a bottle of whisky, said the label was open, we didn’t touch it. We were in town for a wedding, in the room to sleep one night that was it. One of our friends who is Thai gave them an ear full for trying to scam us, and we walked out telling em basically to fuck off…
View all comments by BKKUSA
Idea for dealing with the “dirty” towel — before accepting the loss, demand to have the towel and to rip it apart.
If they give it to you, good on them, at least they won’t shaft the next guy. If they don’t, means they can wash it they wash it and use it, so why would you pay anything.
Generally, being firm (but not abusive) can help with these minor hotel pricks…
View all comments by crocodilexp