Mukdahan is perhaps best known as a visa-run crossing point to Savannakhet, over the border in Lao PDR. The town has many attractions of its own, however, and is well worth a more extended visit. The main tourist facility is Thailand’s only indoor bobsledding run, where the artificial snow machine (out of order on both my visits) drains the Mekhong of three thousand gallons of water a day. But of more interest to the Big Mango demographic is the Inter BG Bar Girl Factory a couple of kilometres north of the Friendship Bridge.
Inter BG manufactures (by its own estimation) sixty per cent of all Bar Girls installed in Bangkok, and the new factory – gleaming and hi-tech - is testimony to the continuing market for a quality product. They welcome tourists, either individually or as groups, and my guide Somchai Suvarnabhumipornvidapat greeted me in the reception lounge (where historic body parts are displayed in a glass case) with a complimentary tin mug of sura and a bag of bat’s legs.
Inter BG, he told me, started up as a shop-house business eighteen years ago, hand-crafting bar girls from locally-sourced materials such as palm leaves and empty Red Bull bottles. Quickly finding a market for its products in the Capital, it moved to the old (now demolished) buffalo hospital on the outskirts of Mukdahan, and installed a semi-automated production line to meet the demand. However, the Chinese-built track (and an inexperienced workforce) produced an unacceptably high proportion of faulty goods, and Inter BG’s reputation suffered badly when the heads on a batch of units installed on Soi Cowboy exploded during a lesbian show.
Inter swiftly recalled the entire series (resulting in the famous bar girl “drought” of ’92) and invested heavily in the state-of-the-art Heidelbergerschtumpferautoprostitutenfahrt GMBH (Munchen) automated assembly track to be seen in the new premises. Kuhn Somchai showed me the hospital-clean skeleton assembly room with great pride. “We use only nylon-jointed steel skeletons these days,” he said. “The days of creaky old bamboo and twine are long gone. The body weight is added later. Units start at 35 kilos up to 60, in 5 kilo increments. Units outside these specs may be specially ordered.”
As we moved through into the airy body mounting section, Kuhn Somchai explained the energy issues involved. “The early models ran on buffalo dung,” he said, “but that proved impractical, so we reconfigured the accumulators to run on the cheapest energy source available - noodles and insects. This is why bar girls eat what they eat, and why farangs taking them to western-style restaurants are often disappointed with the reaction. The units can eat anything, from road grit to lark’s tongues, but only noodles and insects function as fuel.”
Testing the pliancy of what promised to be a very attractive model, I asked him about pricing. “An entry-level unit costs 135,000 baht, which seems like a large outlay but recuperates its cost rapidly.” Surprised, I asked him how a bar owner could possibly hope to make that much from bar fines. “The income comes from the fee the client pays the unit.” I replied that I thought the fee went mostly to support the sick buffalo in Issan. “No!” he laughed, “That is one of the speech loops we program the units to say. All the money goes directly to the bar owner. Always has done.”
Other speech loops include a government-stipulated quota of Lao and Issan terms, including “Somchai my home him new Hilux!” “Me hungry, eat noodle!” and “Nok have farang husband him Western Union number 28 month!” The English phrases are randomly generated by a CPU, and in addition to the basic “You holiday Bangkok how long?” and “Two thousand short-time, three thousand long-time” can include up to a thousand factory pre-sets including the unit’s bank account number and specialist phrases such as “You love Nok you buy Nok iPhone!” and “You good heart, give money step-dad me, him bad arm, no work.”
I was showed the panel (positioned where the heart would be in a human being) where the settings for Attitude are programmed in. “The paler-skinned units have the dial right up to eleven,” Somchai explained, “With a starfish over-ride. The more homely models, we generally factor in an AQ, or Attitude Quotient, in the low twos or threes. This is the result of an early prototype programming malfunction, but has become accepted as the standard bar girl parameter set.” I asked him if it would be possible to order a 35 kilo stunner with zero attitude who’d beg for it up the bum and do it for free. “Sure,” he frowned, “but who would want that?”
We moved on to the grooming section, where Somchai’s cousin (Inter BG is still a family business, employing over thirty relatives who sleep in the delivery bay) was twisting up the hair on a forty-kilo spinner due to be shipped to Rainbow 4 in a bulk consignment the next day. “Sillied-up hair is big on Soi 4 right now,” he explained. “One time some tinsel got woven in by mistake, and the next week we get forty-three orders for tinsel-hair! It’s a crazy business!”
Before leaving, I accepted Kuhn Somchai’s kind offer to test out a new model you’ll see hanging from the chrome poles before Christmas. The “Nik”, based on an ASEAN games gymnast, benefits from the new and patented “3 Holes In A Row” feature which allows rapid aperture change, and is sure to be a Yuletide hit!
After a refreshing shower, I placed a special order for my own requirements, although Kuhn Somchai insisted on giving me a hefty discount for such an unpopular spec.
Next time you’re on the Savannakhet visa run, be sure to drop by Inter BG, and tell Kuhn Somchai I sent you!
reduce the dosage a little and see if that helps
View all comments by jack dawson
“a 35 kilo stunner with zero attitude who’d beg for it up the bum and do it for free”
Now that truly would be a miracle of modern technology…
View all comments by The Ghost
Shit. Had I known the revenue model I would have gotten into the go-go business. Do they have a website where i can pre-order one? No use heading to cowboy if I can just keep one at home. Makes my sony aibo look so dull in comparison.
View all comments by smitty
Is the Guess Bar Ladyboy Factory next on the tour? Sponsored by Penfold Industries they seem to be churning out modern miracles in Ladyboy technology. Would be interesting to get your take on it. I hear they’ve perfected the procedure of folding the penis up and tucking it back into the ass crack so it looks like cameltoe from the front. A procedure first known as a “penis fold” and later renamed Penfold.
Finally an explanation for the Tinsel, brilliant. Did you find out why they put so many motorci scars on the girls? Is it defective machinery or an authenticity thing?
View all comments by pmmp
PE - you ordered just one???? Surely that will get boring after a while - is there a trade in scheme?
View all comments by doctorbond
Do they have a setting that reduces their use of toilet roll?
View all comments by Day Walker
@smitty - their website is temporarily down, and has been since it was put up.
@pmmp - thanks for the penis-fold/penfold thing - banked! I called Kuhn Somchai and asked about the motorcy scars - you’re right. They were originally faults of the Chinese track years, but both the scars and the “explanation” proved a hit with customers so have been retained. Stretch marks and suicide tracks are a relatively recent variation on a theme, and require specialized skills.
@doctorbond - you’ll be the first to know when it gets boring. Okay - maybe the third.
@Daywalker - no. Toilet paper is essential to maintaining the unit in good order. Early models allowed user adjustment of the factory pre-sets (the toilet paper thing has always been a problem) but this led to litigation by injured clients, so now the AQ (and other parameters) control panel is securely hidden. This explains the sticker some of us have found on brand-new units: “No user-serviceable parts inside. Tampering with factory presets invalidates guarantee.”
View all comments by Pants Elk
Is it true that one of the units contacted the factory asking to be re-deployed as they found BBK too boring?
View all comments by Day Walker
You forgot to mention that the factory is of course !SO-9002 certified.
View all comments by ratchada
ISO 9002 is now obsolete and incorporated into ISO 9001:2000
They must be certified as they manage to produce the same miserable monkey-faced little gimp girls that are found in the beer bars of Pattaya over and over again
View all comments by Day Walker
@Daywalker - while I was being shown around the premises I took a sneak peek into the repair shop, and I was shocked to see BBK in stripped-down mode on the test bench, having his synapses relined. I was led away by Somchai, nodding gravely. “Yes,” he said, “Bloggers too. But these are experimental units we put out into the market on a non-profit basis. The BBK is a basic data-retrieval unit.” The ISO standard was awarded to Inter BG in 1999, during a Royal Visit. The “miserable monkey-faced little gimp girls that are found in the beer bars of Pattaya” are, Kuhn Somchai was at pains to point out, NOT Inter product.
View all comments by Pants Elk
Could this be an idea for a new film….
‘Alien V’s miserable monkey-faced little gimp girls’
View all comments by Day Walker
dw - no wonder why hollywood is in america and not england
View all comments by smitty
Smitty: Yes, we would like our own ‘Hollywoodshire’, but then those fags from S.F might want to come over too.
So you can keep the lot of them
View all comments by Day Walker
Also, the original post made no mention of the special nVidia-powered “visual de-enhancement” chip installed between the eyes and brain, causing most models to perceive pasty-skinned, sweaty, hairy, 250 lb. males with no fashion sense as “handsome” and “sexy.”
A similar, *olfactory* de-enhancement chip installed just behind the stock flattened nose (upgradeable by the purchaser to an extended, farang-like proboscis at his own expense) effectively masks the perception of beer-infused sweat and general body odor when the unit is in close proximity to its owner, which would otherwise trigger the Thai-configured vomit reflex in the unit (if vomit is desired, the “ctrl + alt _ delete”-like command required to initiate it involves the administering of equal portions of Leo Beer, Yaa Dong and Bacardi Breezers to the unit over the course of about 2 hours).
In an ingenious engineering feat required to enable the units to function in Thai cities, odors such as raw sewage, rotting fish and diesel exhaust similarly have absolutely no effect on the unit’s performance.
Finally, though the unit functions best in “cowgirl” or “reverse-cowgirl” mode, yet another masterful engineering stroke is the spring-loaded main [skeletal] frame, which enables the unit’s superstructure to withstand up to 385 lbs. of weight bobbing up and down on it for up to 5 minutes straight. Relatedly, the patented “Orgasm Simulator” which comes pre-installed in the unit is calibrated to go off at a speed inversely proportional to how small the object is which has been inserted in any of the units apertures or “holes,” thus ensuring customer self-satisfaction and create in the customer an illusion of his own sexual “prowess”.
View all comments by ratchada
It strikes me that there is enough talent on/associated with this site to write a best-selling series of books (Lords of the Ringpieces?) and become a worldwide publishing phenomenon.
Scrap the bar guys and set up the Big Mango Publishing house
View all comments by doctorbond
Alien V’s Smitty
View all comments by Day Walker
I’ve just patented “World of Whorecraft”, so hands off that one.
Ratchada, in a private email, tells me that he took the Inter tour a week before me, hence his rather BBK-like technical knowledge. They know you stole the advance prototype “Velvet Goldmine” neoprene sphincter unit, Ratch. Not happy.
View all comments by Pants Elk
Catch 22 STD’s
Whore and Piss
Dashed Expectations
Monger in the Rye
View all comments by doctorbond
‘Whore and Piss’?!?!! - Starring YP?
View all comments by Daywalker
PE - Yes, I confess, I took it. And it’s back in the US with me now. Being neoprene and all, it was very easy to smuggle onboard the plane as a carry-on, once I disassembled the unit and deactivated its built-in cellphone communicator with special AIS Intercontinental roaming. One never could have gotten one onto a flight (post-911) in the past with the old copper sphincter units. Plus, they kinda hurt.
View all comments by ratchada
Copper was still a considerable upgrade after the old-model reamed-out banana skin. I saw one of the original Buffalo Dung units (affectionately known as “Buffers” by collectors) up for sale on ebay recently, with the bidding at 7500 bucks! Non-operational of course (those twine joints seized up quick) but a nice piece for den or lobby, and a surefire conversation starter!
View all comments by Pants Elk
@ DW - I was trying to think of a special one for YP - I was working on LadyBoy Chatterly or something like that, but it just wasn’t as snappy as ‘Whore and Piss’
View all comments by doctorbond
I can’t help wondering if all this creative energy is a result of a lot of bars being closed? Ever thought your mothers may have been right? Drinking too much & chasing women of loose virtue would seriously restrict your future career options?
View all comments by Wombat
PE - Agreed. The “buffers” were never any fun. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I think the real reason they discontinued that model was that those units could actually transmit human diseases, like the common cold and hepatitis, to living water buffaloes, due to their shared genetic material. This, of course, caused an epidemic of sick water buffaloes in Isan that continues to this day, even though the existence of this phenomenon is not accepted by many (though certainly not all) farangs.
View all comments by ratchada
Ratch, I’m not sure I believe in that one myself! The Inter BG brochure prints this version of it, for what it’s worth:
“Of course sickness of buffalo has likened to outsurge in bar-girl with some members in population! INTER BG is strong to nay-say the convention as “story-telling” to all of sundry.”
The fact that Inter occupied the old buffalo hospital only strengthened the connection. There was, if memory serves, an editorial in the Bangkok Post about bar girls coming down with buffalo flu and the consequent risk to tourists a few years back, but no link was ever established.
View all comments by Pants Elk
Havent even commented and Im getting slated. Cunts
Just you wait
View all comments by Young Penfold
You tell them cunts Penfold.
View all comments by Daywalker
Toasted bun motherf**kers!
View all comments by AUK
A uk - way off topic. Put a lid on it.
View all comments by smitty
@Smitty - I know mate, just couldn’t resist. Please accept my apologies. Another drink I owe you.
View all comments by AUK
AUK. Don’t apologise or let Smitty bully you. Next you’ll be buying him books and paying his girls barfines. This will then lead to his little ‘gang’ shagging birds in your apartment and wiping their septic members on your pillow cases.
View all comments by Daywalker
I think you’re being a little harsh on a well-meaning body of men, Daywalker.
Has Penisfold fucked off yet?
View all comments by Pants Elk
Yeah? Come and take a look at my pillow case then
View all comments by Daywalker
@ Smitty - Neat move that. You da man.
View all comments by AUK
We know that your pillow case is caked in semen, snot, blood and the tears of an orphan
View all comments by Young Penfold
Yeah.. that’s the last time I invite you round.
Back on topic (for Smitty
)….. erm… nope.. I got nothing.
View all comments by Daywalker
I read a book about an orphan ‘The lost boy’, then he turned into a man called Dave. Good books.
View all comments by AUK
I hear that if you take one of those Issan Girls out of Thailand that the warranty expires and they go they morph into materialistic monsters any truth to that?
ooh yea i hear the really good ones work in high Octane mode when you give them lots of Som-Tom.. you can keep them in a room for days on that stuff… I am in the process of installing Som-Tom machines in hotels.
BTW do they make Mini Me size for big guys like Daywalker? those 90cm models. I think the last one made works at Nana, and was DW’s first and last barfine.
View all comments by GoodLife
Goodwife: Don’t diss my wife man.
View all comments by Daywalker
DW: Sorry that i used her in the Velcro toss… next time you want to join? PMMP said you like to do the naked velcro with your nutts having the only piece of the stuff…
Hey you missed a great mango party…
I want two issan girls and a chang-mai one… ok PI on the side please… Life should be that easy.
View all comments by GoodLife
No…. the Mango Party MISSED ME…. you are nothing without me
View all comments by Daywalker
FREE BEER! CLICK HERE!
See, I reckon this line will attract a few clicks from the sidebar. I see no reason why Daywalker’s lazy-ass list should get more interest than my finely-wrought essay. Off-topic comments welcome!
View all comments by Pants Elk
CLICK HERE if you are under 50.
- not so fast Pants…
View all comments by Daywalker
Two words, DW - retirement visa.
(Sits back with smug look on face.)
View all comments by Pants Elk
1 word Pants Elk - PUBERTY SOON.
Shit thats 2 words
View all comments by Young Penfold
“Underwear is for the over 40’s. It helps catch the dribbles of piss for the old-timers.”
Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. It’s like having an orgasm every 10 minutes.
Editor’s Note: This reply should have been posted to DW’s 11-20 list Post but PE’s Post was so much better so replying here instead
View all comments by pmmp
Can I apply for a retirement visa when I reach my mid 30’s?
View all comments by Daywalker
I like(d) to go commando, too. Gives the old Glad Handle room to stretch out. I was in some low dive with BBB once (NOT the Guess Bar, wise-ass) and he seemed discomfited by the attention the old Pants Elk was getting as it muscled magnificently down my inner thigh, even going so far as to request I rein it in. Draw your own conclusions.
Just off to Tesco Lotus!
View all comments by Pants Elk
Okay, that grossed me out. This will be the last reply from me on this Post. Go DW!!!
View all comments by pmmp
Thank you, pmmp, I found his attitude rather gross, myself.
View all comments by Pants Elk
I just thought I’d remind people what a great read this is. From a totally unbiased and objective viewpoint.
View all comments by Stan Klep
This is HILARIOUS!!! The funniest thing I’ve read for - what’s that you say? My avatar? It is?
*blush*
View all comments by Newbie