When unlikely pop star Lou Reed was still hanging onto Andy Warhol’s coat tails, eating gravel for breakfast and brown nosing with Bowie he penned the song ‘Perfect Day’ – Here was a man who must have passed Murray Head on the opposite side of the street but failed to meet him – such is history.
If Lou had jumped on a plane to Asia instead of pushing lead piping down his jeans he would have had cause to re-write his song – or maybe just hang out in BKK, open a bar and forget song writing altogether.
Such are the possibilities in BKK that you won’t really know when you have had The (Most) Perfect Day until you are on your deathbed but here’s an example of a pretty damned near perfect one……
Passing through the hotel lobby and out into the sunshine I decline the offer of a complimentary tuk tuk ride to the BTS. If the only exercise my legs get is the post ejaculation quiver I’ll be in a wheelchair sooner than my life plan dictated. So I decide to walk. The security guard beams and salutes. I salute him back. This always confuses him.
Outside, a swarm of taxi drivers trying to look cool and laid back……..
“Where are you going”?
“I’m going to the Institute of Oceanography to deliver a lecture on the cumulative effects of pesticide wash-off on the Arkadian coral reefs”
Silence
I make my getaway striding purposefully down soi 15 towards the main road. For the umpteenth time I walk past the big Korean restaurant and think dog - can’t see them getting my custom anytime soon.
Just before reaching Sukhumvit the Indian tailor has to be circumnavigated. He is the human personification of a roadside IED and can appear from nowhere in a flash but it seems he has already cornered a luckless farang and I slip past unnoticed - a good omen.
Up the early morning clutter free Sukhumvit pavement towards Nana BTS – it’s 10 a.m and in my minds eye I begin to imagine that I have x-ray vision that allows me to see all the way through to Lolitas. There they are dusting down the seats struggling into their pink mini skirts and exchanging gargling tips as a lorry load of Listerine backs up the soi. – shake the thought from my mind – breakfast first.
Off the BTS at Siam and descend down the stairs to Au Bon Pain for a smoked salmon bagel and coffee. No matter how early you get there someone has stolen most of the complimentary newspaper leaving only the lifestyle supplement – a condo for 25 million Baht? – go soak your head Mr Developer.
Stroll through Siam Square and up to MBK – there is nothing in life that I need but I am sure there must be something utterly pointless, made in Japan, that I don’t possess yet which will bring me 20 – 30 minutes of joy and expectation when I get it back to my hotel – I can’t decide between the backscratcher with a built in mp3 player or the powerful binoculars that will enable me to spy on the Lolita girls. – so I leave – still haven’t bought a waving cat yet.
OK – it’s just gone midday …. Food or sex? …. Duh…. I decide on a visit to the Eden Club – back on the BTS. Naaaaa Naaaaa says the train in a curiously flat and bored tone. I’m convinced that when the recording was made the voice-over artist had been cooped up all day in the recording studio and Nana was the last one she had to do before she got to go home – I never tire of it.
Into the Eden bar and sit on a stool – you are allowed to gather and have a drink after 12.30 but the girls don’t scurry into place until 13.00 when the bidding war starts in earnest – next to me is a Canadian who can’t quite believe it all.
“I don’t have the time today” he says to the barman “but I will definitely be back tomorrow” – of course he has the time – he knows it – we know it – he’s chickenshit. My chosen girls and I cram into the lift along with another punter – I try a cheery smile but he is far more interested in the ceiling.
Perversely I choose a girl because she is wearing a short skirt – as if that is going to matter in 5 minutes time – still old habits die hard. Her chosen friend might just as well have been wearing a librarian badge – but she turned out to be pretty wild – so. The girls and I shower, romp, exchange pleasantries, romp some more, stop for a smoke before moving onto a last bit of romping – this is soooo civilised. Ninety minutes is up and I am down – perfect.
Grabbing a Subway sandwich I head back to Siam and into the Paragon – here’s a tip for suicide bombers - just walk in the ‘out’ entrance – the guard will look a bit apprehensive but basically he’ll not want to cause you any loss of face by challenging you – so that’s ok then.
Up to the cinema – at the ticket desk I tell the girl I want the next showing of ‘Oceans 45’ and she comes back at me with some quick fire Thai that I don’t understand. I nod intelligently. She pushes a button and lo and behold I seem to have bought a seat in the luxury Nokia screen at a mere 500 Baht. It’s good value for money though as I manage a good doze in the electrically reclining seat – Damn it’s chilly in that place – most customers were rubbing noses and hunting seal. Lights up and time to wake – I missed most of the film but am pretty sure it was just like Oceans 44 but with an extra actor.
Time to invigorate the body with an oil massage. I select a massage place that doesn’t do extras to help ensure I get a good massage – it’s three or four shops into Soi 15 on the left hand side and also does hairdressing etc. In the times I have been going there I have heard other punters trying their luck on the girls but they just get told they must go to Patpong – who are they kidding? – they are surrounded by ‘sex for sale’ establishments right there in Sukhumvit (Indian tailor excepted – thank goodness) and peeps looking to get their pole waxed hardly need to go as far as Patpong. Nevertheless a good massage can be had here so I chill and let Dar do her stuff for two hours. During the last month I have become her best customer and she now shows appropriate respect by turning her mobile off – wow – now that’s commitment.
Stroll back to the hotel for a change of clothes and then off to the Star of Light for a philosophical discussion about the meaning of life where I raise profound questions about why we are all here and my chosen interlocutor nods vigorously before, overcome by my profundity, she rushes off to get a tissue. Luckily for me there are no steelworkers from the Rhonda Valley in today and so I am happy to avail myself of the comfortable seating as opposed to the unique triangular stool in the toilets. Add the keen debating skills of the Star of Light ladies to the privacy of Lolitas and I’m sure we could change the world.
Well I can’t help myself – I am obviously one of life’s givers and today I have parted with a great deal of fluid – time to put something back. Over to the Duke for refreshment and civil conversation. I turn out to be lucky and encounter Smitty and Pmmp and chinwag with them, then I am subjected to a barrage of insults from Daywalker, have an intellectual discussion with master wordsmith Bangkok Bad Boy and sit opposite Werewolf who after a couple of hours meets your gaze in an off beam way by staring at a point 6 centimetres to the right of your head. John Brown pops in wearing Hawaiian shirt number 47 and helps me put credit on my phone. We order some mixed starters and all talk about nothing in particular.
To round the evening off perfectly some of us hit the gogos mixing the in-yer-face proximity of the naked Rubenesques of the Cactus Club, The 5 star rockers and the Baccara spinners in their schoolgirl outfits. That dancer in whatever bar it was who has perfected the booty shuffle comes to sit next to me and drinks her coke. I want to tell her that I plan on going home alone but never get round to it. One butt cheeks fits perfectly into the cup of my hand. I resist slipping a finger up as I have popcorn to eat – got to get my priorities right – right?
Fatigue slowly gets to me as I bid farewell to the gang. Werewolf is shortly going to lose his wallet, his mobile phone or both, but it’s like the tides of the sea –inevitable – who am I to interfere?
It’s a Saturday night there may be a bit of premiership footie on the TV but I soon drift off into a deep sleep regardless, briefly waking up a few hours later to turn the tv off. I know somewhere out there fellow mongers with more stamina than me are ramping it up in some nightclub, will barfine some lovely and shag her senseless until 6 in the morning – No regrets – I had a perfect day.
Obviously with the advent of the new Big Mango bar – my next perfect day will extend to include time there too…..
Very funny. Reminds me that if I ever want to achieve perfection here in the LOS, I’ll have to get rid of this damn job.
View all comments by KamnanT
Top effort!
I love the way you describe the Indian (his name is ‘George’, by the way, real authentic Indian name) at pak soi on Soi 15, I still remember the first time I met him when I was still naieve to the Bangkok scene - he appeared out of nowhere, asked to shake my hand and refused to let go, no matter how many times I said I was busy, had no time, etc. I eventually managed to wriggle away when he relaxed his grip a little when I said I would come back later to have a look at getting a suit (big fat lie). Next to the massage joint you mentioned there’s a small Thai eatery (next to the hotel) that does good and reasonably priced food, as long as you can speak/read Thai. The old guy that owns it is a funny bastard.
So true that I have had so many more near perfect days than I ever had in England or Australia!
Out of the country for the moment on business but looking forward to getting back to BKK and enjoying a cold one at the New Big Mango bar
View all comments by Jase
great stuff
I love the way u nailed the cast of characters on the street, the blog and so on.
kills me.
View all comments by smitty
Insults from the Daywalker? Never.
- I hope your next shit is a hedgehog.
View all comments by Day Walker
And the cost of the lot, including at least 4 bullets, would be less than an ordinary meal for two in “the real world” where even after the extravagence of the meal and wine, scoring it pot luck!
Paradise indeed!
View all comments by Not in Paradise
k - yep a job sorta spoils it
j - I get to pass ‘George’ at least twice a day for a month so he gives up after a while other than to smile - congrats on knowing his name - i bet it’s an afectation to make him more ‘approachable’ - in the intial stages he just stands in your way shifting from side to side to stop you passing - I’m suprised no one has popped him
dw - it’s been at least 60 minutes, have you changed your T Shirt yet?
View all comments by doctorbond
..so basically another wide-eyed but blinkered tourist gets his dick wet in Bangkok and thinks he’s found some sort of magical neon neverland. Groundbreaking stuff.
View all comments by anonzo
Gee anonzo - maybe I should have blogged about some uni girl hanging up her uniform in my closet - much more profound and interesting than my paltry effort.
I have spent approx 12 months in BKK in the last four years, had a small business interest in BKK, have a son, a daughter-in-law and a grandson all Thai residents - tourist? at a stretch - blinkered and wide-eyed? hardly.
View all comments by doctorbond
Star of Light is this the one in Patpong? thought it closed last year.
View all comments by laocowboy
nope - twas open for business on 8th April when I was last there (I can be that precise because it was my flying back to the UK present to myself)
View all comments by doctorbond
Great, taking a newbie there next month, luv the unexpected expression.
View all comments by laocowboy
ok doctorbond, sorry i labelled you as a newbie tourist. your thai son, daughter-in-law and grandson must be very proud of you.
i guess my point was that reading stuff like this is just depressing because it reinforces the stereotypical image of foreigners in Thailand. a brush that i don’t want to be tarred with thanks very much.
View all comments by anonzo
great writing! Why do people go to the star of light!? It’s extremely filthy,a bit scary and girls are ugly… choosing star of light next to the lolitas!?I’m I missing something?
View all comments by Johnny c
anonzo
Jun 10th, 2008 at 9:46 pm
ok doctorbond, sorry i labelled you as a newbie tourist. your thai son, daughter-in-law and grandson must be very proud of you.
i guess my point was that reading stuff like this is just depressing because it reinforces the stereotypical image of foreigners in Thailand. a brush that i don’t want to be tarred with thanks very much.
You sound like lezbian…
View all comments by Johnny c
“..so basically another wide-eyed but blinkered tourist gets his dick wet in Bangkok and thinks he’s found some sort of magical neon neverland.”
Even though I have a place there and a business interest in some naff bars, I still enjoy my time there as a tourist.
I can appreciate all the shit that Doc harps on about and it makes me smile and laugh when I read this stuff.
I’d take being a ‘wide-eyed blinkered tourist’ over being one of those bitter and twisted old cronie expats (found in Jools bar at lunchtimes) bitching and moaning about the state of Thailand and all the scumbag tourists.
I bet Dr.Bond has had more fun in his 2-3week stays than Gonzo has in a year?
Each to his own…..
View all comments by Day Walker
@ Anonzo - Just for the record - my son is Farang, the rest are Thai. If you are looking for morality he fits the bit, settled here, married, child, another on the way, wears his yellow shirt on a Monday all that sort of thing.
Three points you need to consider:
1. Foreigners didn’t make Thailand they just enjoy it’s facilities. As is so often pointed out by the mongering community - the sex trade is alive and well has it has been for centuries. You have a particular dislike of Nana and it’s ilk but it is just a variation on a theme enjoyed by Thais everywhere.
2. No foreigner in Thailand escapes distorting reality - you included. I know little of your circumstances or your nationality, your age or how you come to have uni girls uniform hanging in your closet - but to some degree or another you are also an aberration.
3. The theme of this site is pretty clear, I am certainly less graphic than others in my descriptions but to some degree most posters on here are shameless mongers. Why do you monitor the site if it offendeds you so much or is it simply that residents shagging = good but tourists shagging = bad
View all comments by doctorbond
All I would say is that if my holier-than-thou attitude gets on people’s tits, it’s cos deep down they know I am right.
Don’t get me wrong, I know how to have fun and at 25 I’m not an old expat cronie (yet). The thing is tho, hanging out at these kinds of places with the kinds of people you find there just gets me down. Life can be so much better. Cheers.
View all comments by anonzo
Nice piece Dr Bond. I wonder what the BTS girl looks like? I love the way she says Ratchathewi…..
View all comments by Milo
Point taken and I’m glad we’re friends again. I agree that a number of people hanging out in these places I would not wish to associate with but the people I mention in my piece are all peeps that I have come to appreciate - they are all intelligent, professional and in their own way quite moral - I would happily place my trust in them if I ever needed to. Time for one of your cock sucking comments.
View all comments by doctorbond
@ Milo - I think it’s recorded live - she’s obviously hot for me - she always takes the time to tell me that Siam is an interchange station or to thank me personally for using BTS when I reach Saphan Taskin
View all comments by doctorbond
That’s funny.
I was posting on a math forum earlier, and my declaration that 2+2=5 was getting on people’s tits. Must be cos deep down they know I am right.
View all comments by TAFKABBB
Helluva day, I agree, though these days I’d have to add a stop into a Suk pharmacy to buy a knock-off blue pill before attempting a 3 bagger at Eden.
View all comments by fender
BBB, I think you missed the point. It was meant to sound like that. Something along the lines of “I used to be arrongant, but now I’m just perfect.”
View all comments by anonzo
d’oh. that should be ‘arrogant’
View all comments by anonzo
I was close to convincing my mum that Thailand was a totally wholesome place for a man to visit alone, or in the company of male friends.
Then video images of ‘Dungeon Dad’ Robert Fritz enjoying sunshine breaks in the LOS came up on the telly, with an extremely disapproving BBC voiceover. I had to laugh.
View all comments by Milo
Tafkabbb
Well said, you have nailed it baby, stuff the knockers, yea baby
View all comments by Rusto1
Great writing Dr. I enjoyed every (jealous) minute of it.
View all comments by Johno
Great read Dr.Bond. I used to have the NAAANNAA Bts voice as my ring tone, as I used to love it so much. I did look daft trying to capture a good recording of of it though. Stupid tourists eh!
View all comments by AUK
It’s Fritzl. And what a nasty word it is.
View all comments by The Heckler
@ Auk - ha ha - concidence - I did the same - recording it for my Russian friend whose name is…. Nana… I agree about the looking a prat bit.
View all comments by doctorbond
Yes you’re right Heckler, here’s the missing ‘l’. Not a really a nasty word though, just a name, like Robert.
He was a regular in the nineties, for what the Beeb described as ’so-called boys’ holidays’. I think he came for the Temple of the Reclining Buddha.
Does anyone else play mental games of ‘guess who gets off at Nana on the BTS?’
It’s the most fun you can have on the carriage beyond admiring the talent and watching the adverts for birds nest tonic.
Socks, shorts and sandals, are always a cert, not to say the denizens of Nana aren’t stylish, but you know what I mean.
Similarly with the women - sexy + expensive phone + cheap clothes never fails.
If they don’t get off at Nana you have another shot at Asoke, or Saladaeng.
View all comments by Milo
I thought this “Indian” tailor on soi 15 was actually from Nepal.
View all comments by Ato
If Carlsberg did BTS Stations. Nana has to be the best BTS/Tube station in the world. Such a melting pot, & yes Milo, I have played that game before, myself dressed for work, or on my sunday off nipping over to the Soi7 Beer Garden, with my “What’s your name” t-shirt on, with Hawaiian shorts, white socks,sandals & money holder. I am so proud of myself na!
View all comments by AUK
Now those are the types of days that I mis….
Good read Doctorbond , you can even make the guys living here jealous with days like that.
Cheers
View all comments by Jboy.bkk
Great read Doc! So much in one day…
View all comments by John Brown
So funny you mention the Nana BTS-announcement……it immediately played in my head, eventhough it has been 4 months!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VIEJq0UrWqY
(youtube does work in Thailand??)
View all comments by Paraquat
‘i guess my point was that reading stuff like this is just depressing because it reinforces the stereotypical image of foreigners in Thailand. a brush that i don’t want to be tarred with thanks very much.’
Yes, it is depressing because I’m not there doing the same thing…
View all comments by Dave
Paraquat: At the moment, if you have a TOT connection, then UTube does not work…
View all comments by John Brown
d bond - great stuff.
I have always imagined that the BTS recording girl is hot but somehow with a voice like that I think she is not.
anonzo - welcome to the deadpool.
jb - is utube an internet thing?
View all comments by smitty
I have to agree with the people spotting at Nana BTS around 530-6pm (or as i call it the witching hour).
Same as at SalaDaeng when you see 55 year old germans with leather trousers and moustaches getting off, eager with anticipation of poking the shit in of some poor 18year old, anorexic rentboy in suriwong road in the next 15 minutes
Side note MRT woman for ‘Klonh Teoi’ station is scary
View all comments by Young Penfold
I’ve taken this to a higher level….
I watch the people watching the people.
Sitting there… wondering what is going through Penfolds mind as he surveys the inside out studded leather thong wearing German.
View all comments by Day Walker
Overheard in the carriage…. “Das ist Yung Penfold?” “Ja - is ein man wivout fear und vill shaggenze anything!”
View all comments by doctorbond
Daywalker inside my head is a place you do not wanna be
DOctorbons - i dont do germans or french - give me some credit please
View all comments by Young Penfold
Don’t do French? There’s an award right there.
View all comments by Day Walker
YP - credit given… I wasn’t suggesting that you ‘did’ Germans, just that news of your exploits was crossing national and cultural divides - on reflection ‘Jung Penfold’ would have been funnier or was he Austrian?
View all comments by doctorbond
YP - don’t flatter yourself - your head is not the only part of your anatomy we don’t want to be.
DB - a lovely bit of writing. Shows, if I may say so, a deep understanding of BKK sleaze, and a real affection for the girls who do it for money (which always seemed the least of reasons to me). I have a couple of points, though - your legs quiver *after* delivering fish soup door-to-door? Mine start vibrating like double bass strings immediately prior to making a mess. Perhaps other readers may like to add their own experiences?
The other thing is, I detect a knowing sense of humour in the BTS Naaaa-Naaaa announcement - I love it, and I notice most farangs get a laugh from it as well. It’s one of those Suk St sound samples I never tire of (the demented Avon Calling chime of the “Seven” door is another).
View all comments by Pants Elk
PE - thanks for asking, hope all readers have breakfasted - just in that couple of seconds before the ’soup is delivered’ dem legs is as rigid as they would be had rigour-mortis set in (and one day it will). The double bass effect slides in right afterwards - maybe we should all gather together one day in SOL and perform a symphony? We might even get an arts grant for it
View all comments by doctorbond
PE - which head we talking about here?
I like to refer to the moment i hit the point of no return as ‘getting my jester shoes’
Anyone who needs an explanation just ask
View all comments by Young Penfold
toes curl?
View all comments by doctorbond
Maybe the Jester Shoes are an aid to stop YP falling forwards when being rooted from behind?
Can also perform a Michael Jackson dance, or use them to kick someone in the swingers from behind.
Many applications have these shoes.
View all comments by Day Walker
OK - pendant time - ejaculate: toes curl down - jesters shoes: toes curl up
View all comments by doctorbond
I withdraw that last statement - they curl down just beforehand then sorta splay out violently - who would have thought it?
View all comments by doctorbond
a friend of mine calls it the ‘dog leg’
my mom (dont ask) calls it ‘vinegar strokes’
View all comments by Young Penfold
YP - We also call it the ‘Vinegar stroke’ round these parts.
View all comments by AUK
Penfold — Yes i do remember she does call it that..
DW — I didnt know Hobbits have toes????
DB - Dam I can even smell those early morning bangkok streets as you walked through them.. great writing. Although Star of Light Vs Lolitas.. it was almost a perfect day..
GL
View all comments by GoodLife
Always wonder why everybody is laughing about nana station… Shit lom is even funnier!
View all comments by Hschmid
I thought this stuff was supposed to be non-fiction.
Let’s keep it real from the heart and stop adding on to it for some perceived notion of needing audience acceptance. Is this stuff being rated?
This was too similar to some of the extra “writing style” add-ons that BBB added about his Pattaya trip on WW’s site. Some of it seemed odd for a long time, resident blogger. Is there some type of Bloggie Award that I don’t know about?
I prefer fiction to non-fiction, let’s keep it real! (Not saying most of it wasn’t true, but some of it seems contrived, stop the sensationalism!)
View all comments by bkkris
Hi Kris - ummm contrived bits… my response to the taxi driver, the potential purchases at MBK, Oceans 44 and 45 have yet to be released and I am not sure that Hawaiian shirts come in numbers - everything else is true although they did not all happen in one particular day.
This writing style and BBB’s (the acknowledged master)are designed to amuse - sorry it didn’t work for you.
View all comments by doctorbond
I can confirm the barrage of insults.
-twat.
View all comments by Day Walker
Goodwife:
You’ll find the toes at the end of your club-feet.
View all comments by Day Walker
Dbond: Ok, not all in one day is more like it. It wasn’t a bad read for what it was, but some of the posters seemed to think it was a true story like a day in the life of.
View all comments by bkkris
I rarely enjoy Thai television, but one of the most memorable and enjoyable TV shows I ever saw here in the Land of Smiles was a talk show interview with the lady who did the voice recordings for the BTS announcements. She was a very attractive lady of about 40 years of age, with a bright smile and a sense of humour. She did the Nana Station announcement live from her chair on request, including both the Thai and English versions. The rest of the interview was in Thai, so I didn’t understand much, but the studio audience was laughing consistently, and the Thai Girl in my room was translating a lot of what was being said.
I enjoyed docbond’s blog, except for his non-intervention in my loss of wallet, keys and mobile phone. In my version of the perfect day in Bangkok, when I drop said articles, a beautiful young thai girl is there to pick them up and return them to me. I reward her by taking her back to my room for a long time session.
View all comments by werewolf
dbond,
that’s a great post. i guess i can’t speak for kris but i rather here a tale spun with a little flair then a play by play account of the hard facts.
i mean, what’s the point of strutting around town all day if you can’t tell your buddies about it later and make beer shoot out their nose when you hit the punchline.
one more thing kris, it’s not a lie….if you believe it.
ps, sorry that my comments are two weeks late
View all comments by ItchyFish
Thanks for the kind comments Itchy - and you are quite right… I like a good strutt.
View all comments by doctorbond