Bangkok is my favorite city and I regret I can’t visit more often because the city is pure lustful entertainment. I ignore actual expenses because it really is “up to you” in Thailand as opposed to Las Vegas, a joke of a “sin city”, which is just expensive! Here’s my list of a few minor irks in an otherwise great destination…
1. JW Black-Label Monopoly.
How did this come about Thailand? You wouldn’t know it from the vast majority of nightclub menus but they are actually making great whiskey in Tennessee and Kentucky, USA. My kingdom for a bottle of Jack Daniels’ Single Barrel or a bottle of Maker’s Mark out in a club, hardly exotic, hard to come by spirits–and both mix much better with coke/sprite/lime than JW anything. Your choices today and tomorrow are Johnny Walker Black or Johnny Walker Green (if we have any green, I’ll check). If you like we have 3 different brands of beer–thanks Bangkok, evidently alcohol variety is not the spice of life, can I barfine the coyotes?
2. Breakfast Mysteries and Small Glasses.
Fried Red Tomatoes. What is this all about? A practical joke? Newbie chef misstake? It just doesn’t work and I can only imagine how many pan fried red tomatoes are thrown in the hotel trash bins in Bangkok/Pattaya every morning. I didn’t see the movie Fried Green Tomatoes because it doesn’t make sense and I don’t eat fried red tomatoes because it doesn’t make any sense to fry them. They belong cold, thinly sliced, and sitting on top of a slab of beef or bacon, or in a salad. I think they are really only thrown on a breakfast plate to add color like a sprig of parsley that’s not really meant to be eaten. The undercooked bacon I can deal with. And what’s the deal with the shot glass-size orange juice “glasses” at the buffet? You’ve reduced me to either getting back up from my table for a re-fill every time I take a drink or require me to line up half a dozen juice glasses in a row next to my plate to avoid getting up every minute. Thanks Majestic Grande Hotel, you mock my Texas-size thirst with your tiny beverage glasses.
3. Thirsty G-Club Mamasans.
I thought our transactions were complete once you asked me what I wanted to drink and I chose a girl from your english-speaking uni lineup. I’ll call you back over when I’m ready for the bill or reference which hottee you can pimp out for a commission. Now you are much better looking than your horrible dark sisters managing girls in the gogo bars, but unless we’re discussing your short time rate I don’t know why we need to speak again. Ideally this would be the case, but not so fast Robin. I roll alone so I’m kinda set up for multiple mamsan visits. But I have one that basically helped me and my new Chaing Mai uni girlfriend drink my JW black (of course) to an untimely demise. My pimp-ess returned multiple times for banter and to top off her whiskey and water–granted they were not monster shots but a slow steady withdrawl. I somewhat didn’t mind overall because I am a light drinker and could never finsih my 6 bottles before I leave next week. You’re lucky the drink mixers are free bringer-of-girl-fondling-talent, or I would have slapped that glass out of your hands three re-fills ago. Have a great buzz on me Miss PR manager, I expect you to tell me before I leave which hostess and/or coyote dancer will meet me at my hotel tomorrow. And once again money is no factor. I’ve seen 30 girls in the last hour that could model for FHM/Maxim/Cute magazine tomorrow–you pick one for me in exchange for filling your bottomless whiskey glass on my dime. And am I paying for the Japanese salmon plate you ordered?
4. Sukumwit Sidewalk Land Grab.
I’m seen magicians make airplanes, elephants, and yahts dissappear before my very eyes, but never have I seen 3 continuous miles of urban real estate vanish faster that the sidewalks of lower suk and in front of Nana Plaza. Vendors selling crap and entire restaurants set up soley-designed to block and re-direct foot traffic. Reminescent of the 1850s California gold rush when the West was opened up to settlers, these sellers of Bangkok’s least desireable goods, pirate Dvds, insects, and foul smells consume all navigational paths between suk 0 and suk 23. If you’ve got something to sell, it can be placed upon a cart, then you can place wheels on your cart, and then your cart can be parked in the location of your choice–preferrably where maximim pedestrian foot traffic would normally belong. Ignore the other 200 carts next to you. Goal number one: divert foot traffic into the dangerous street or to a single file trickle. I’d love to be the one to pilot the earthmover that in 20 minutes scooped up and ejected these foot/junk charts out of the way returning suk to an obstacle-free walking state.
5. Criminal-element Taxi Touts, Breaches in OPSEC.
I practice OPSEC (operations security) and extreme prejudice at work and at play when traveling abroad–State Department recommended. Why would I want to tell a complete stranger parked on a street curb “where you go” or “what hotel you stay”. What a complete breach of security of information only given out only on a need-to-know basis. The only person I can think of with a need to know “what hotel you stay” is my PR girl from last night who’s coming over in about a hour. BTW I’m not our “boss”, if I were I would fire your ass on the spot for insubordination. I hope the next shady tout that yells “taxi boss” from across the street of my hotel has his HMO premiums paid up because I’m going to go postal on him and his friends. Thanks for killing my morning buzz. I’m a former B-52 radar navigator and I’d like to JDAM his ass from 37,000 feet, leaving just one around, Natural Born Killers-style, to tell the tale. There’s a special place in the seventh layer of Hell waiting for these guys.
6. The Bus from Bangkok to Pattaya.
If time is not a factor how ’bout a cheap transfer to Pattaya via eckamai bus terminal? Sounds great and only 117 baht to boot. Assigned seats and times even, how organized. Go up to the booth pay your fee and wait for your bus time. Board the bus and begin the seeming simple task of finding your assigned recliner. But wait, I have an assigned seat number, but where are the seat numbers printed. On the front of the seat–no. Above the seat–no. On the back on the seat–no. But wait, what if I partially remove the black vinyl headrest on each seat. Well I have to bother the person already sitting there, but I’ll give it a go. Yes there is a seat number there cloaked by the headrest. But is that the number of the seat in front or the seat number of the seat in back. No you have to pass your seat to check the number hidden beneath the vinyl sweat cloak. What MBA thought this numbering system was a good idea and then decided to cloak the seat numbers?–and BTW where’s the pocket for my carry on items like a magazine to read, camera, or water? Or did you think only Thai girls ride the bus and I’d be content to talk on my cell phone for 2 hours about nothing. Certainly someone working for the bus company has ridden on an airplane. That new airport sure is nice. Come on, both buses and airplanes are people movers. See how the seats are numbered? See the little pocket for carry on items? Same same.
7. Too Many Poles in Rainbow 4…”cut a few and It’ll be perfect”.
This is how I feel about the number of dancing girl-poles in Rainbow 4. You’ve basically reduced 30-40 girls to a stationary position swaying back in forth with zombie-like precision. There’s no option to do anything but look bored, shuffle, and sway. You’ve also made it impossible to spy your potential jailbait barfine from anywhere but directly beneath her pole. The emporeor in Amadeus told Mozart his opera seemed to have…”well, I don’t know, how does one say court composer,…it seems to have…too many notes”, and then when Amadeus asked him which notes to cut out said…”I don’t know…just cut a few, and it will be perfect.” Same same Rainbow 4, cut out a few poles and it’ll be perfect.
8. Western Women in Bangkok
It’s been said before but worthy of repeat. Usually more train wreck than fellow human being and able to quickly ruin a post-hangover breakfast with their cacklin’-hen whiney coversations. Annoying from the get-go, they will talk loud amongst themselves but mercifully will not make eye contact with you, the seasoned monger, and it’s not because they are shy. They do it to try to transmit guilt your way and because you’re the one that is supposed to be in awe of their angelic presence. Delusional to the core, they actually think THEY are special and desireable at home and in Bangkok and look down and resent their Asian sisters. You’ll never see them though at the hotel gym. I would rather eat breakfast surrounded by a gang of 20 dirty Eurotrash backpackers in a soup line than sit behind 2 single American/UK women at an upscale hotel buffet. BTW one of you gems owes me 500 baht because it’s going to take my entire 4-pack of Apcalis to get thoughts of you out of my mind and to re-direct bloodflow back to my penis where it belongs in the first place.
9. “Pig Dog” of Nana Plaza
I have a love-hate relationship with this genetic freak from the animal kingdom. Part dog and part pig. He’s short, stubby, and overwieght–built like main battle tank. If I were to compete in Robot Wars I would use Pig Dog as my blueprint. How he doesn’t collapse upon his own bulk is a modern engeneering miracle–Darwin would have to answer the question of how he came to being and why he hasn’t been eliminated from the gene pool as the theory suggests. He’s got spots where there shouldn’t be spots and open sores oozing fluids. His once shiny overcoat now looks like a 1950s truckstop motel carpet that has never been changed. One side of this Devil Dog is scoarched with a grayish brownish orangish tint from the oppressive sun and the other side is baked from his blistering-hot concrete bed. He can usually be found on the second floor of Nana Plaza on a concrete patch near ladyboy corner. Perhaps this is fitting as he rolls with the other DNA-confused souls. I’ve never actually seen him attempt to walk but I fear it be like trying to balance a watermelon on a couple of toothpicks. The cats and kitten frolocking nearby seem to sense and mock his immobility. You’ve done a man’s job Pig Dog ascending to the second level of anything with or without the intervention of man or machine. He seems resigned to his fate permanent listing 90 degress portside similar to the Titanic before buckeling under its own weight oblivious to the repetitive musical thumping of the surrounding bars. Sleep on Pig Dog, you’re one sidewalk obstacle I don’t mind sidestepping around. Doggie Heaven certainly has a spot reserved for you, may your final demise be swift and imminent.
10. Go-Go Bar “Dance” Troupes
To each his own to determine when, where, and the value of entertainment venues. The girl pecking order is well known from suk streetwalkers to racequeen pretties. Thai men don’t go to Nana or Cowboy, or the Beer Garden…–what does this tell you? So it ain’t a money thing is it. Somebodies supporting the vast number of upscale haunts and high-end soapies, and it ain’t just jap tourists. I went to the Sky last night and they had about 20 coyotes on stage complete with white rabbit ears, color coordinated hot pants, and a furry bunny tail–universally poetry in motion and off the chart cute. Absolutely mesmerizing and a feast for the eyes that I have never seen elsewhere. These girls actually smile and enjoy being on stage…unlike various go-go “dancers”. I don’t think many g-clubs would let an ugly girl inside even if it was to clean the toilets. It’s impossible though to compare a g-club with a farang bar because the service, mindset, and treatment of customers are mostly diametrically opposed. G-clubs are also not all peaches and cream. I can enjoy almost any venue to start or finish. But before I walk into an generic gogo bar I can’t help but think to myself what Obie-won Kanobie said in the first Star Wars film when he was about to walk in the Los Isley Space Port: “You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villianry”–so true.
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Oh, Lord. What a stark and depressing illustration this is of the Curse of Bangkok, i.e. the simple, unsophisticated foreigners drawn like flies to this place after their fifty weeks of working at the gas station back in La Vegas or Liverpool. “Livin’ the dream,” a lot of them love to call it, which so sadly reminds us of the remarkable paucity of their dreams.
View all comments by Old Asia Hand
I am dying here. I want to comment on each and every point but I can not see through my tears.
nice work!
have to reread and re comment.
on nutter - you have kicked off such a cool series with these.
View all comments by smitty
Only yesterday I was thinking about ‘Lazy Beggars’ (ill come back to this) and it made me think about the ‘10 things I hate about Bangkok’ and was wondering whether we’d get the 6th installment.
This one is classic.
Getting back to ‘Lazy Beggars’
Something about them bothers me. I know we all play the hand that god dealt us and these people arent on the streets for fun, but id much rather give my few baht to a more worthy breed of beggar. For example walking to thai school today a woman beggar was on the floor with a ‘Big Gulp’ cup which i doubt she found, shed probably bought it with the 500baht note some holidaymaker slipped her - (possibly for a short-time) and necked it, and was shaking a cup at me with a gourmless look on her face…… she was even wearing lipstick which I found odd. At least have something ‘cool’ wrong with you, like warts for eyes perhaps, half a head, spine like a rollercoaster or 7 arms (could be quite handy if you wanted to get into boxing so every cloud)
Only reason I posted this was as I said yesterday I was thinking about On-Nutters blog
View all comments by Young Penfold
can appreciate #8. but the others i gotta think about… can i ask, how do i get my avitar to work?
View all comments by Thai Sausage
ts - go here:
http://www.gravatar.com
you set it up using the same email u use for the blog but you also have to register as a user on the blog as well.
View all comments by smitty
funny and true. nicely done
View all comments by timmy
Love this. Well written. Props to you.
View all comments by bkk22
as I said, I agree, esp. #8. it really bugs me how those cows seem to think they are somehow better coz they are farang. i say people should all be equal, and you certainly cant help where you were born.
View all comments by Thai Sausage
Quality stuff.
View all comments by pmmp
smitty - sorry, i registered but cant get gravitar to work.
View all comments by Thai Sausage
ts - I can’t really troubleshoot it for u but you should be able to use their site to upload your photo and view it.
then u have to log in when posting comments on the blog. making sure u used the same email. the gravatar take some amount of hours to kick in.
so providing you image is up on grav and you log in to post it will work.
usually people forget to login to the blog and without logging in grav cannot work.
View all comments by smitty
smitty - thanks very much for explaining. i will try again.
i want to join in this blog, coz you guys make me laugh. and i am sure (and hope) your new bar will be a great success.
View all comments by Thai Sausage
ts - coolio.
As long as we don’t make u cry…
View all comments by smitty
Good job. But I like many of the things you talk about - but everything is relative - so I compare it all (of course)to Western living.
By the way, I happen to enjoy number 8: those experiences always confirm my opinion of uk/us women and they fill me with even more gratitude for my experiences with Thai women.
Now, off subject:
I’ll be there next month. Which is the current place to get the best balls massage? - and I really do mean balls massage and not necessarily the extras. I’ll be staying on Sukh 24.
Also, is there any street action on Sukh 33 - I have a weakness for young lost things walking the street in hope of earning a few extra $s.
Also #2, does anyone know of a short time hotel near the Lumpini park/night market?
Tim from Oakland Ca. (Ex Londoner.)
See someone in May!!
View all comments by Tim Oakland, CA
Another thing I hate about Bangkok: “complaining westerners”
View all comments by Ato
ato - did u say something?
tim - what up? Long time no see.
NOt sure on the ball thing but I hear the one on 31 is the place. It is mentioned in BBK post on nut rubs.
I don’t think there is much street action on 33.
As for a short time near the park:
I suggest a place on Ruam Rudi.
View Larger Map
I forget the name of the place but it is the only one in that area and for sure it is for short time. Love google maps…
View all comments by smitty
hi,
anyone have the name on this place? i’m a few months from landing in bkk and this one type of massage is extremely high on my to-do list.
thanks.
-myrth
View all comments by myrth
Excellent work PMMP……… that’s what we’re looking for! But I have to disagree with the Toms. Can’t beat fried red tomatO’s on a proper English Breakfast! Upon go-go entry old bean ‘May the force be with you’, or maybe Chewie had a point with ‘AAAAAAARRRRGGGGHHH!’ Bugger Starwars. Arnie rules. ‘I’ll be back’. Again, and again…….. and again.
View all comments by hanuman73
Note to wise - fried red tomatoes are a known factor in reducing the chance for getting prostate cancer - you red it here first… good post though agree with most of the points - the sidewalk vendor shit should have been aced a long time ago - its crap.
View all comments by psi100th
as to the ball massage
RTFM folks:
http://www.2thebigmango.com/?p=535
psi - thanks for the tomato tip. so I should eat more fried tomatoes and get more ball massages with a finger up my ass?
View all comments by smitty
Are those people beggars??? Blow me!
I thought they were offering money. Many a night I walk out of NEP and collect 40 Bhat from cups, generous people hold up to me for my taxi ride home.
View all comments by Young Royal
Amen to #7. How can you tell who’s hopped up on speed when they’re packed like sardines?
Plus, dropping an Amadeus bomb! Nice! However, the line from Amadeus that usually comes to mind when I’m in R4 is “They’re all so beautiful! Why don’t I have three heads?”
“Say I’m sick! Say I’m sick!”
View all comments by fender
@ smitty - definitely, finger, tongue… whatever tickles your pickle dude.
View all comments by psi100th
Next time I come to BKK I will bring my mountain-bike and will use the bicycle way so clearly marked on the pavement at Lower Sukh. I will not only be the first person to ever ride a bicycle there, but that’s also gonna be a hell of a ride
If I make it to the end (where exactly is that?) will that ensure me an entry in the Guiness Book of World Records?
View all comments by Phoenix
ph - u wont be the first. I was almost plowed into by some wacknut farang using the lane and pretending no one else existed.
View all comments by smitty
Such a painstaking post deserves an equally thoughtful reply. But I’ll do this instead, while the rain keeps me off the street.
1 The whiskey thing - I agree with you, up to a point. The point being that the brews you mention aren’t really whiskies at all, but the closest the US can get, which isn’t close enough for me.
2 Absolutely baffling. Fried tomatoes (red, naturally - who wants to eat an unripe tomato? Except an American?) have been a staple part of the Great British Breakfast (the finest meal in the world, ever) since they were invented by Alfred the Great in 958 CE. Delicious and visually appealing, their tart juiciness is in exquisite counterpoint to the heavier ingredients of this noble repast.
3 Uh-huh.
4 Come on! That’s what Suk Street is all about! Almost. If you want a quick walk along uncluttered sidewalks, I’d recommend Washington DC, or Geneva.
5 There are worse evils. Even in Bangkok.
6 Yeesh. What a grouch!
7 If you teleported all the R4 girls to an empty Superdrome they’d still cluster together like that and shuffle disinterestedly while they wondered where all the poles had gone. I love R4, can’t see a single damn thing I’d change (except maybe the C team).
8 OH yeah. Oh YEAH. When I’m King of Thailand my first edict will be to make the visible presence of FWC’s (F for fat, W for white …) punishable by death.
9 I count myself a friend of the individual you call “Pigdog” (TAFKABBB by another name) and feel you’re being unnecessarily harsh. You’ll look like that too, you live here long enough.
10 “You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villianry” - again, that’s the point, isn’t it? Whaddya want? Book clubs?
View all comments by Pants Elk
What does the “c” stand for?!?
View all comments by Tim Oakland, CA
t - are you referring to the c team?
if so.
a team the hotties at a go-go abr
b team - next rung down
c team - next rung down
usually c team is the worst
View all comments by smitty
- And when they run out of letters in the alphabet, they go work at ‘Charming Bar or Moonshine’
View all comments by Day Walker
I miss Onnutter’s comic genius
View all comments by werewolf
11. The Great British Breakfast.
The Great British Breakfast, a tricky piece of terminology, was apparently invented by Alfred the Great in 958 CE and exported to Thailand at some unknown point thereafter. His dabbling in the culinary arts, originally designed to satisfy the caloric requirements of the British working classes, was summarily rejected by the equally innovative French next door in favor of the croissant and coffee. It consisted primarily of whatever bland ingredients lying around and due to spoil that day. A customizable combination of pan-fried eggs, pork lard, mushrooms, sauté potatoes, griddled tomato, black pudding, porridge, baked beans, deviled hogs kidney, brown sauce puddle, haggis, liver slurry, fried onions, and bread. It’s modern-day offshoot is now primary confined to the kitchens of Bangkok specialty pubs, identified by any sort of Crest hanging out front, and populated by Midlands expats determined to find countrymen and consume liberal quantities of beer while washing down a 3000 calorie fry-up at 7 o’clock in the morning. Any hotel in Bangkok costing more than 900 baht is reluctant to call their morning meal “Full English” having quickly realized anyone raised as a citizen and not a subject, would upon presentation, immediately get up and scrape the entire plate into the nearest trash bin and simply consume the orange juice. Wholly shunned by Thais, Canadians, and colonials, it wouldn’t be served to prisoners in the USA for fear of riots.
View all comments by cruiserPimp
@cruiserPimp: Nice.
American breakfasts are clearly the way to go…
View all comments by TAFKABBB
I was actually refering to Pants Elk’s no. 8. But I’ve answered my own question: chimerical. See you next month.
View all comments by Tim Oakland, CA
If he’s the one I’m thinking of, Pig-dog is enjoying a well earned rest from his days as the champion bitch humper of old Bangkok town. I have won several bets watching him beat the rest of the packon soi 4 to the grind as they chase some bitch on heat which wandered down the road on a hot lazy afternoon. Its not quite 24 hour action in the big the Mango, but near enough for the organised loafer.
View all comments by snork