THAI COUPLES: I can still remember the sense of shock I felt at seeing a Thai couple walking hand in hand for the first time. It was my third visit to Thailand and I had never witnessed this phenomenon before. On reflection, there is absolutely no reason why people of the same race, nationality, age, weight and level of attractiveness should not get together, but it just seemed incongruous. On the other hand, my friend Big Mike (a 59-year-old American who weighs 120 kilograms) and his girlfriend (a 20-year-old Cambodian who tips the scales at 42 kilograms) seem a perfectly matched couple.
THE GO-GO BAR CHANGE TRICK: If you are ever short of change, pop into a go-go bar and pay for a Bt100 drink with a Bt1,000 note. Your change will arrive in the form of a Bt500 note, three Bt100 notes and five Bt20 notes, thus making it easier for you to leave a tip. Liberate yourself by putting all the notes in your wallet and saying: “Thanks for the change.”
McDONALD’S: For making some Thai girls fat (though I agree that the Sausage and Egg McMuffin is the greatest culinary creation in the entire world).
BACKPACKERS: Some have started venturing outside their Khao San Road ghetto. This wouldn’t be a problem if they didn’t insist on bringing their backpacks with them. The worst are the two-baggers – they can take out an entire Skytrain carriage just by turning round. Some male backpackers also have a patronising attitude towards people who use soap, as though possessing a pair of Bt100 fishermen’s trousers, a dodgy handbag and a copy of Lonely Planet makes them Paul Theroux.
TAKING THAI GIRLS FOR AN INDIAN MEAL: They will not eat one morsel because they have been conditioned since birth into believing that Indians and their cuisine are smelly and dangerous. They will probably hold their noses at some point. It’s not a problem if you just order things for her that you like yourself. You get to eat everything and still have the kudos of spending money on her. Perfect.
TAKING THAI GIRLS FOR A THAI MEAL: They will not eat one morsel because they have already dined 12 times that day.
INSANE BUS DRIVERS: I suppose that being paid Bt200 a day to negotiate Bangkok’s traffic would drive anyone over the edge. There is one driver on my route who is stark raving bonkers. He talks to himself incessantly and when he gets to a stretch of open road, he starts slaloming the bus and cackling like Hannibal Lecter. In a normal country, he would be under 24-hour care in a mental institution. In Thailand, he has responsibility for the lives of 40 people.
THAIS AT THE DRINKS CABINET IN 7-ELEVENS: I have seen milk turn faster. They can be frozen in thought for up to 10 minutes as they ponder their choice, blocking access to the cabinet and the adjacent aisles. You would think they were faced with some extreme life-changing dilemma instead of deciding between iced coffee and orange juice. Pricks.
THE PLASTIC BAG MOUNTAIN: If I buy 10 items in Tesco Lotus, they will usually be put into five or six ludicrously underfilled bags. A shop assistant once even put a shrink-wrapped mobile-phone top-up card in a plastic bag for me. While I am no sandal-wearing environmentalist, I am getting very concerned about Thailand’s carbon footprint.
‘UP TO YOU’: The favourite English phrase of all Thais, especially bargirls when financial arrangements are being made for their services. It actually means: “If you don’t give me 3,000 baht, I will chop your balls off with a machete and send them to your mother, you cheap farang bastard.”
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my favorite part yet !
View all comments by RRR
THE GO-GO BAR CHANGE TRICK only works if they don’t short-change you. “Solly, you only give me 500 baht.” Seen it happen more than once.
McDONALD’S. One of my pet peeves. 10 years ago I never saw one fat local. Since the proliferation of American fast-food outlets the population has been steadily expanding (in a bad way).
View all comments by kwai mai sabai
Nice. That’s now a couple on 7-11. Seems you can do a whole Part just on them. A few more on 7-11’s:
- They don’t sell Mustard
- Thai’s will cut in line if you are a Farang and the cashier let’s them. They won’t however let Indian/Arab customers cut.
Can’t say much more because I’m so glad Thailand has 7-11’s. I lived in India for a year, no 7-11’s, FamilyMart’s, QuickMart, or Cirlce K’s. Really sucked. Oh, and I love paying my bills there
View all comments by pmmp
You guys need to start reversing the Thai sayings on them. Every time an Indian suit tout, Non-meter taxi tout starts talking to you just keep saying yes and smiling at them. Works on bar girls too. I mangaged to go a whole day without saying no, but some friends of mine got pissed with me as they thought I was being disrespectful and told me I had to stop doing it. Now I just do it when I’m alone.
Maybe I should get a life.
Monaco rocks by the way. Just saw a huge firework display in the bay.
View all comments by Young Royal
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Yes it does! Do they still have that rocking nightclub on the waterfront in Monte Carlo. Done any gambling in the monstrous casinos?
View all comments by kwai mai sabai
Factual, Insightful in-depth journalism and frankly hilariously true!
View all comments by FalangRakThai
Hi Gang. Long time reader first time contributor. Coming to Bangkok for the first time next week and I’m ready for action. To be more specific, I’m looking to meet up with some of the local ladies. What I mean to say is I’m looking to find some companionship for all/part of the evening. To be blunt, I’m looking to put my pee pee in someone’s hoo hoo. Okay, fine, what I really mean to say is that I am hoping to put my “little brother” inside of someone’s “little sister”. Any advice? Looking forward to trying a Big Mango Burger - they sound rather yummy!
love ya
CB
View all comments by constant boner
Yes the Night club was rocking last night, I’m sure it was Tom Jones singing live. Its a bit like Thailand here. Very old guys with very young girls. I have as much chance of getting laid her as I have of being able to buy a house. I prefer BKK where I’m the superstar any day. A sunny place for shady people.
Casino thats what that huge building is. Think I will stay away as I lost $500 dollars on black last time I was in one. Although next time am back in Bkk and have to do a border run I will definately try out the ones near Poipet.
View all comments by Young Royal
So Constant Boner. Yep the Big Mango burgers are great, truly awesomly great.
As for getting laid, well there are three major requirements in Bangkok.
Firstly you have to have a pulse.
Secondly you have money.
Thirdly you have a sense of humour, sanuk in Thai and yim maak, that is smile a lot.
Oh and you have to try the Big mango Virgin drink its compulsory for first timers makes you irresistible to Thai women.
Have fun buddy!!!!!!!!!!
View all comments by nampla
I got one for the I hate list-
Every time I go to get a reload on my BTS card they try to put a new paper cover on it. It is already swaddled in plasticadn has a paper cover but they try to replace it each time I reload. Seems like a major waste of paper?
Appreciate all the mango comments folks!
View all comments by smitty
burgers rock at mango but pale in comparison to the nachos there- food of fucking the gods when accompanied by a 60baht san miguel light n lime (happy hour of course)
sidenote i took my GF for an indian (had murder finding a decent one but found a cracker at the food court in emporium) and she wolfed it down - saying that shes a typical thai - greedy fucker little fucker bless her eats like a horse and doesnt gain a pound
boner how long you here for and whats your budget?
View all comments by myspace.com/penfold_xxx
‘UP TO YOU’ Oh this right here is a winner… Especially if you’re drunk and fresh off the plane for the first time. Sure I guess a hundred bucks is fair. I mean if its too much they won’t take it right??? errr.
CB This one burger I had at the Big Mango when I was perfectly sober was ‘TO DIE FOR’ Quentin Tarantino “fucking good”! I’m pretty sure it was called the California Burger. Have fun with the ladies.
View all comments by Xagrin