The FARANG Speaks 2 Much

For reference start here - I was mainly trying to get readers of this blog to share stories about Thailand from the past. We have had a few comments and now a reader contribution. Great stuff. Thanks for the words Jack!

Well, since you asked…I first arrived in Bangkok late at night on December 30, 1989. At that time, I had to go to three banks in downtown Hong Kong before I could find one that had baht currency (which was tied to the US$ at 25:1). They had three 500-baht notes, the largest denomination available. My flight was delayed and re-delayed, but fortunately I met up with a Bangkok resident who helped me negotiate the taxi mafia at Don Muang (no meters at that time, you’d negotiate a fare, put bags in trunk, they’d up it, you’d take the bags out, then start over…).

I was a wide-eyed newbie, BUT, I had this Xeroxed-and-stapled book
(which I wish I had today) called “Bangkok’s Back Streets” by a “Bob
Todd” who’d obviously spent some time there. It detailed Patpong, the
Thermae, some of the massage parlors etc, and I read and re-read it
with fervor, because there was NOTHING else. I knew no one who’d
visited there, or lived there.My expat pal made change for one of the
500s and we split the cabride fare: I headed for the Malaysia Hotel
because I knew I didn’t want to stay on Khao San
LonelyPlanetBlondeDreadlocks Road (never have, never will). It was
full, as were nearby hotels. It’s midnight, I’ve got all my bags, and
no place to stay. Finally I find a guesthouse–the owner shows me a
green metal cube on the rooftop, light/bed/fan/desk. 50 baht a night. I
take it, grateful I don’t have to sleep on the street.

Next day, a
room’s available at the Malaysia. It’s New Year’s Eve, and around
twilight, I visit Chaophya 2 Bath & Massage on Soi Sri Ayutthaya.
The book said my eyes would pop out of my head, and they did–as he put
it: “nature has been very kind in Thailand.”I chose this stunner in a
beige Bob Mackie-knockoff evening gown, 800 baht, she spoke not a word
of English, just smiled, scrubbed and fucked my brains out. After that
I went to Patpong, to a go-go named Rififi, started chatting with a
German fellow next to me, he was very kind, the gals dancing on stage
would do co-ordinated moves, one in front of me was so damned gorgeous
she was setting my lizard-brain alight, shift-change and she was
suddenly beside me, plucking an ice-cube from my soda water (I’d gotten
sober before I ever went to Bangkok or I would be DEAD now) and
stroking it on your arm.

“Are you hot?” I asked. She nodded. “How about
if I buy you a drink then?” She squealed with delight, grabbed my head
in her tiny hands and shoved her tongue down my throat. It was my first
trip so I did the upcountry trip, loved Chiang Mai (VERY different back
then), and swung back down to Bangkok before flying to London and then
back Stateside. This time, I met another resident who spoke good Thai
and took me around Patpong (we didn’t go to Cowboy, and NEP wasn’t on
any radar I had access to at that time).

I think the biggest difference
back then was the creativity of the shows. There was black-light
painting on naked bodies (and YES they were naked dammit), costumes
including things like human-sized butterfly wings, organized dance
routines, the usual pussy-tricks and a couple who would descend from
the ceiling on a motorcycle and fuck (soundtrack included “Song Sung
Blue” by Neil Diamond).

My pal was learning to read Thai so he had some
children’s books, including Aesop’s Fables, in Thai–the gals loved
him. We were swarmed upon. One gal solemnly inspected my ring-finger:
“You’re not married?” “No.” “OK. I marry you.” “When?” “Next
year.”

Never did marry her, and didn’t make it back to Thailand until
1993, when I spent a lot of time in the Kingdom, traveling throughout,
with a hotel in the Siam Square area as my base. By this time, taxis
were metered, some Stateside friends were coming over to visit so I had
cohorts, and you’d see ten-baht coins and even thousand-baht notes
sometimes. At this time NEP was rockin’, and Hollywood Royale in the
corner (where Rainbow 2 is now) was the place.

It was raw and wild:
lesbian shows were frequent and girls would be sticking their tongues
up each other’s coozes inches from your drink. They’d form conga lines
OFFstage and do dances, most of the guys at the bar would be looking
the OTHER WAY. Of course barfines and fees were lower, although girls
were much less oral in those days–maybe it was a Buddhist
highest-part-of-the-body thing, but some freelancers and go-gos simply
would refuse to blow you. One told me the only man who’d cock she’d
ever suck would be her husband’s! Needless to say, there were
exceptions.

Pattaya at that time was a gas. Gulf War 1 meant the Arab
tourist trade had basically crashed, “Walking Street” was open to
traffic and places like Marine Bar had huge open-air cinemas showing
35mm films. You could grab a stool at Marine Bar and just hang out
watching people who didn’t know how to handle a motorbike attempt to
cruise the strip, then pick up a 400-baht freelancer and have a great
time. I also traveled north/south/Isaan and had some interesting
upcountry adventures.

Even at 25baht/US$, everything was damn cheap.I
returned for visits in ‘94/’95/’96–at some point Siam became
unmanageable with the Skytrain construction. Plus for the longest time
there were NO 7-11s in the area–everything was shut down by 9:00PM or
so. I started staying in other places. By ‘97 I was living in Hong Kong
and would go for visits 3-4 times a year, the way it’s been for the
last ten years. Except for 2003-2004, when I lived in Bangkok for 15
months. But that’s another story.This New Year’s Eve I went back to
Chaophya 2 as a sort-of memorial to my first trip. Found a total
sweetie and had a great time. I’m older, hopefully wiser, definitely
creakier, but some things don’t seem to change.