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While Pattaya’s daytime dens of desire tend to cater to the city’s hordes of Cheap Charlies, there are places where the more-discerning gentleman can indulge in higher-grade sanook under the sun.

Welcome to Pattaya Afternoon Delight Tour #2. Those of you seeking free shags on the beach or without shirts and shoes please book Afternoon Delight Tour #1.

Unlike our earlier tour, which focused on getting the most pops for the least baht in the least amount of time, this tour moves at a more leisurely pace. The pleasure of the overall experience is the emphasis, rather than simply how fast and how cheaply you can get your rocks off. It’s also a customizable package. You’ll choose one short-time experience, one massage and one go-go bar form The Ghost’s menu of carnal contentment’s.

Course A: Spa / Massage

We’ll start the tour with your choice of a spa/massage, a great option for those with thumping heads from the night before’s exploits. If you want to get an early start, choose Option 1, which leaves at 11 a.m. If you want to sleep in or have lunch first, choose Option 2, which begins at 1 p.m.

Option 1: Silom Sauna

A unique experience in Pattaya, Silom Sauna, on Soi 3 and Second Road, Silom is the closest thing I’ve seen outside Japan to that country’s onsen or hot-spring spa. It’s also a place that’s thoroughly enjoyable even without any erotic adventures.

Silom, open until 8 p.m. daily, is a large building composed of a lobby where about 35 masseuses wait, a number of semi-private massage rooms and a spa area. The spa features three pools (none of which you’d actually do laps in) with three different temperatures: hot, freezing and normal. The normal-temperature pool is the largest, but you can swim end to end in about five strokes.

There’s also a (ridiculously) hot dry sauna, a steam room and several showers with hot and cold water. I don’t think anyone taught the Thai attendants what the safe maximum temp in the dry sauna should be. Doing more than 10-15 minutes can be hazardous.

There’s also always plenty of warm dry towels and they provide free water, tea and fresh fruit. Beer, soft drinks can be purchased and the attentive staff will even fetch food from outside if you’re hungry for more than just pineapple and watermelon. In between baking and steaming, you can stretch out on the plastic lounge chairs and watch TV (what’s on depends upon the nationality of the majority of the crowd) or even sleep. And you can stay as long as you want.

The price? 150 baht.

After stewing, baking, steaming and sleeping, you can head off for a massage. You can choose your own girl or just take the next in the queue. Either way, the odds of finding a hot massage girl are pretty slim. The women here are pretty low, and some very low, on the looks scale. You are most likely going to get a mid-to-upper 30’s woman who is about 10-20 kilos over optimal weight.

The upside is that that 80%+ of the time, the massage is very good. Watch the big girls, though. They can be painfully strong. But they cover all the bases: feet, hands, neck and head (the big one).

Of course, the little head will get plenty attention if you want it. Most times only a handshake is on offer, although others will give your little brother lip service or, if you’re a repeat customer and into slappers, the full ride. The price asked for the latter two (1,000 and 2,000 baht) are not worth it, however.

A one-hour massage will set you back 250 baht and 200 is a standard tip for the happy ending.

Option 2: Gentlemen’s Spa & Massage

If young, slim girls are as important as the massage, then Gentlemen’s Spa &; Massage is for you. Located on Third Road near the intersection of North Road, GSM, open from 1 p.m. – 9 p.m., only hires masseuses that have been professionally trained and, for the most part, only ones that are quite easy on the eyes.

When you arrive you’ll be offered a soft drink while the menu is explained. There’s “kosher” Thai and oil massages (some with aroma therapy) with no hanky-panky from 900-1,400 baht. Not cheap, but very well done. Then there are 60-90 minute “Bikini Aroma and Massage” (with hand or oral happy endings) available for 1,250-1,600 baht. And there’s the “Angel Aroma and Massage” full service at 2,000-2,500 for 60-90 minutes.

The rooms are nicely appointed with Thai silk bed coverings and include showers and a Jacuzzi bath. Each room has it’s own music system and low lighting. The massage itself is very complete, head to foot with your choice of aromatic oils. Definitely choose the 90-minute version as any shorter can feel rushed.

Once the massage finishes you can shower leisurely and then enjoy a cup of jasmine tea. No tip is necessary, but, of course, is appreciated.

Course B: A Roll in the Hay

Now thoroughly relaxed and rejuvenated, it’s time to for a different type of pampering (assuming you didn’t take an “Angel” at GSM…) There’s two options for Course B, but Option 2 should only be chosen on Wednesdays.

Option 1: Kinnaree Palace Gentlemen’s Club

If you’ve never heard of Kinnaree Palace, you’re not alone. And that’s just how Pattaya’s expats like it. This luxurious short-time lounge is a hidden gem, far off the beaten track and still “unspoiled” by the tourist trade, according to the locals who frequent the place.

Open from only 1 p.m.- 9 p.m., Kinnaree is off Pratunmak Road. To find it, you go up the hill toward Jomtien from Second Road, turn right turn at Sugar Hut resort, and then take your 4th left. Continue toward and take the fourth left again.

The journey is well worth it. Inside you’ll find a plush bar with several cosy private areas for entertaining Kinnaree’s clatch of 25 attractive hostesses. They’re all a fun, no-hassle group that won’t pester you for 100-baht lady drinks. There’s also an outside garden, an air-conditioned lounge and the main bar area. There’s also a free buffet on Sundays.

Upstairs you’ll find four beautifully appointed rooms with a penthouse suite, complete with Jacuzzi, on the top floor. A tryst with a Kinnaree princess will set you back 1,000 baht and, to quote one visitor, “I couldn’t help but feel i needed to be wearing a toga & being fed grapes.”

Option 2: Jade House

Jade House, which you’ll pass on the way up the hill (on the left side) to Kinnaree, is an example of a bar “ruined” by tourists and too much publicity, according to Pattaya locals. German-owned, Jade is both a bar and an adjoining hotel. And, to be honest, the place did attract more quality women a couple years ago than now. But if you take the option on the tour on Wednesdays, it’s the perfect middle-of-the-day stop.

On Wednesdays there’s a free barbecue. So you can fill up on the grill and buffet, then sit back and relax in a comfortable setting with the Jade girls.

In the past, Jade was staffed by go-go girls looking to make some extra cash before reporting to their Walking Street chrome poles. But as the place took off – and as Walking Street salaries went up – the girls slowly peeled off. The staff there is still a friendly accommodating bunch, but rate closer to a 6 than an 8 on the scale.

Still, for a free lunch, room and the girl, you’ll drop only 1,000 baht and it’s a fun, relaxing break in the afternoon.

Course C: Go Go Go

Last stop on the tour is an afternoon go-go bar. While Walking Street opens around 8 p.m. there about nine dens that begin as early as 1 p.m. Here’s the full list, but the Afternoon Delight Tour will take you to the two best offerings:

• Soi Post Office (Soi 13/2) – Three go-gos here. Club Nevada and Far East Rock open at 1 p.m. Hot & Cold opens at 3:30 p.m.
• Soi Pattayaland 2 – Classroom opens at 2 p.m., Rodeo Girls at 4 p.m. and the new Legs Club open at 5:30 p.m.
• Walking Street – Nui’s Club 2 and New Star open at 3 p.m.
• Soi Buakhao — Club Oasis opens at 3 p.m.

Option 1: Walking Street

Most people don’t realize two Walking Street go-go bars open early. Both small and lower-tier, they actually do better in the daytime than at night.

The more-popular of the two is New Star, the first go-go on the left side as you turn off Walking Street onto Soi Diamond. The bar is tiny and the women can be monsters, but they’re wild and up for pretty much anything if you buy them a lady drink. Nudity is never a problem, there’s short-time rooms nearby and New Star has a very liberal policy toward photo taking inside the bar. Barfines and rates are what you’d expect in any night-time go-go bar.

Once you’ve had your fill at New Star, head back out to Waking Street, turn right and enter Nui’s Club 2. Nui’s Club 1 is long gone, so it’s unclear why the 2 remains, but the bar has seen a recent refit and upgrade in the women department. Most of the cuties work at night, but there’s still a few gems to be found daytimes. Short-time rooms are located upstairs from an adjacent beer bar.

Option 2: Club Oasis

A lot of people will scoff at the choice of Oasis over the three bars on Soi Post Office, but for overall enjoyment, Oasis is a much better bet. It’s not only one of the best looking go-gos anywhere in Pattaya, the place has much more attractive dancers than all of the Post Office bars combined. The draft beer is cold and in large mugs. The music is very farang friendly and the place is cleaner, more comfortable and better air-conditioned than the other daytime bars.

This is the stop to end the tour, as the night shift comes on at 6 p.m., so there’s plenty of choices for a companion for the evening.