ssue #1 :: Issue #2 :: Issue #3 :: Issue #4 :: Issue #5 :: Issue #6
There’s no doubt that Pattaya is a late-night town. Most people don’t even head out until 10 p.m. and some discos are empty after midnight. But if you’re a guy on the prowl, you might be surprised to know there’s actually more action – at a lower price – during daylight hours.
From short-time gymnastics to oral stimulation to massage “therapy,” those looking to blow off a little steam will find plenty of options. So many, in fact, that I’ve put together two “Afternoon Delight” tours. Today’s will be for those looking for the most bang for the baht. The second tour, for the more-discerning whoremonger, will come in a future column.
Tour #1: Five Hours, Five Pops, 3,000 Baht
Warning: The following tour should only be attended by P4P professionals. Those with weak hearts or a Vitamin V deficiency should book Tour #2.
That out of the way, let’s get started: Afternoon Delight Tour #1 leaves from your hotel or the Pattaya Bus Station at noon. First stop will be Soi 6.
The infamous Soi Yodsak actually doesn’t kick into full gear until 2 p.m., but a smattering of bars open at noon. And, while they may all look the same, there are various grades of short-time bars, judged not only by the age and appearance of the girls working there, but by the rooms and showers upstairs.
Most “Soi Sokapoke” ST bars have disgusting rooms. The beds are generally clean, but in horrible shape. The showers, if they work at all, rarely have hot water. In one visit to a newly-opened Soi 6 bar, my escort and I were thrown into a panic when, after drying off, we both started to get chewed apart by ants that had infested the towels.
So, as you enter the soi, ignore the 20 bars you pass first until you come to Ruby Club. The girls here are not as young or as thin as some, but they are all very friendly, skilled at their profession and Ruby’s rooms are the best on the street open at this hour. Great beds, mirrored ceilings, good clean showers, plus TVs with porn if you need that kind of help this early in the day.
Prices in many Soi 6 bars have been rising over the past year, but Ruby’s adheres to tradition with barfines at 250 baht and sexercise at 500 baht. Please pick a lady from outside, skip the drink and head upstairs. Meet the tour bus again in one hour.
Say Ahhhh!
Next stop is Soi LK Metro, just off of Soi Diana in Central Pattaya just before Soi Buakhao. This is a pretty happening nightlife spot these days, but at 1:15 p.m. only Lolita’s has opened for business. We’re early enough so that staff has just finished applying the makeup and still has minty fresh breath.
Virtually all the staff sits out in front of the Pattaya branch of the chain of oral fixation dens. Again, there’s no need to buy a drink here. Spend some time chatting with the girls. You may find the best practitioners may not be the youngest ones. Once you’ve selected a hornblower, pass along 700 baht and adjourn to a private room and take a seat in the dentist chair. I’ll wait here. See you in 30 minutes.
Fill ‘er Up!
Welcome back! Assuming you took just one crank of the wheel at Ruby’s, you’ve now busted two nuts in 90 minutes for 1,450 baht. (Maybe more, as the extra pop on Soi 6 usually doesn’t cost extra.) If you’re feeling a bit spent, we can stay here on Soi LK and grab a great burger or ribs at Bob’s Texas BBQ. If not, we’ll head back toward the beach where we’ll pull the bus into The Pump Station.
One of three similar bars on Soi Post Office (Soi 13/2), Pump Station looks like a typical beer bar on the outside. But guys don’t come here to drink. This is Lolita’s before there was Lolita’s. You can sit downstairs and have a chilled one if you like. But it is possible to spend a few minutes simply interviewing the talent. This is where the first challenge of the day occurs.
Up until now, it’s been easy. Pick a number and pay your money. At Pump Station, the system is supposed to be that you pay 375 baht all-in to watch the lady of your choice bob her head for about 20 minutes. But despite what the policy is, the girl demands a tip and wants to know in advance. They start at 500 baht, but it’s not hard to get that down to 200 baht. I usually take the non-committal approach and say I’ll tip based on performance. You may not get your first choice that way, but, as in Lolita’s, they all know how to wax the magic wand properly.
Price decided, your hussy de jour will take you upstairs to an air-conditioned lounge. There’s a bar inside where you and a mate can have a beer, chat and watch ancient Thai porn while your service attendant kneels behind the bar, which is conveniently cut out in front of your legs. Or, if you like to see the action, you can sit back on one of the sofas.
The girls here are a little less patient than Lolita’s, but for 550 baht, it’s a good-value 20 minutes that takes us to 2:20 p.m. and 2,000 baht for the day.
Beach Road Porn Star
No need to get on the bus for the next stop. We’re just going to walk a block down to Beach Road and cross the street. Soi 13/2 and Beach Road is the usual hangout for Pattaya’s Internet porn star “Na,” an extremely dark skinned beauty whose somehow managed to keep a her looks and slim figure despite working the “Coconut Bar” for years.
This part of the tour is a bit tricky, as she may not be there. But if she is, she’ll escort you to her own room nearby. The Ghost has never actually met Na, but I’ve seen eough photos and a YouPorn video of her to know the 500 baht you spend for an hour will be well worth it.
Once you’re finished, we’ll likely be around the 4 o’clock hour. You can take a break at the new Subs ‘n Suds restaurant on Soi 13/1 (Soi Yamoto). Order the Philly Cheesesteak. You won’t find better in Pattaya.
Out in the ‘Burbs
Jump back on the bus. We’re headed to the suburbs, otherwise known as Jomtien Beach. Home to expats and beer bars, Jomtien also is the place where you’ll find one of Pattaya’s best massage parlors, Yellow House Massage. Located on Jomtien Soi 5 off the beach, Yellow House is one of two well-known “oilies” in the area, but the one with the best-reviewed staff and prices.
As with most rub ‘n tug joints, the format is pretty set. The one-hour massage is 200 baht and, in fact, it’s a good massage that may run 90 minutes at no extra charge. Many of the ladies have worked there for a while and have built a good clientele not only for the looks, which are better than in most places, their amenable attitudes and their massage skills. After “the flip” there’s no rush to the happy ending.
Standard rates for those endings are 300 for a handshake, 500 for a French kiss and 1,000 for the works. Don’t expect all the menu items to be offered if you’re a first-time customer, however. But if you visit again, you might find that not only is everything on offer, but at lower prices.
After your masseuse is done with you, she’ll shower the oil off, help you dress and send you on your way. Assuming you stuck with the hand action, pay her 300 and the house 200 and we’ll be on our way.
End of the Line
By the time the tour bus winds its way back downtown, 6 o’clock has come. Congratulations and mission accomplished. Five hours, five pops, 3,000 baht. If you’ve still got any gas in the tank, Walking Street opens in two hours.
Now, before you book this tour, consider that the Cheap Charlie route isn’t for everyone. You’re not going to find any stunners nor farm-fresh talent, except maybe at Lolita’s. You’re paying for skill and performance. And that you’ll certainly get.
pg - I love these type of posts - I learn so much about places I have never even heard of. Kills me.
Never been to ruby - will check it.
Bob’s BBQ is tasty shit. A burger and a few margaritas and I am ready for the pool to chill.
Other than Yellow house what is the other good oily? An oilies down there do a proper nut suck rub? Is the BJ any good at Yellow House?
Philly cheesesteak? Now I am hungry as well. Fuck.
I need a road trip!
View all comments by smitty
Great post. Informative AND funny. Is there a tour for fifty-somethings with bad backs, erectile disfunction (mild), who like a nice mug of Ovaltine and an early night with a good book after finally managing to pop the tab? It’s just this friend of mine, see …
View all comments by Pants Elk
Great post, thanks. “This is Lolita’s before there was Lolita’s” is a classic, good skills!
What my pal T calls “skull bars” have been around for decades, I like to think of Lolita’s as the creator of brand-equity in the blowjob-bar market sector. Any memories of Nice With Ice or the earlier BJBs like Billion?
I’m all for afternoon delight–not only does it leave evening options open, but it seems that the Bad Stuff that crashes and burns in that town is usually alcohol-fueled and happens in the wee hours (except for the It’s-Raining-Farangs Syndrome).
JtB
View all comments by Jack the Bat
Enjoyed the post,
I wood add a favorite of mine that opens at 10:00 AM on Soi 4 near big C. It is the Wellcome hotel Piano bar. Freelancers flock here and hang out until 10:00pm. You can find some stuners here and since it is part of the Wellcome hotel there are rooms set aside for short time at 200 and 800 for the lady. I have pulled some greate talent from here and worth a try.
View all comments by Davilae001
Great informative post right to the point. Easy to read unlike the dreaded BBK posts
View all comments by 8 ball
Hey guys,
@Smitty — Always liked Bob’s, but even though I know him sort of well I never ate much because his prices were too high for what you got. But he redid the menu when he moved to Soi LK and he’s doing quite well there. As for the oilies, I have a personal favorite, but expect a full survey in a later column. Still “researching” it
@PE — Yes, but I think it involves ladyboys.
@Jack — “Nice with Ice” is still there, but it’s now called “Spricy Bar.” Next to Golden Bar and two doors down from Pump Station.
@D - I thought out including Welkom Inn, but it’s a bit outside the super Cheap Charlie price range of this tour. I didn’t know it opened that early, so thanks for that.
View all comments by The Ghost
Cripes! - 5 pops in 5 hours? I’m beginning to develop an inferiority complex
View all comments by doctorbond
@8Ball — Cheap shot and not true.
Everyone has a different style. If you read my post last week or most of what’s on my own site you’ll see it’s written in a “straight” and even dry journalistic style that sticks out like a sore thumb on TFS2M, which is dominated by light, humorous, first-person posts.
BBK writes in what I’d call “essay” style that is similar to what I do in that it’s fact driven. But what I’ve read of his is all clearly stated and informative. I know first-hand it’s difficult to try to write humorously. I wish I could reel of the wisecracks like Bangkok Bad Boy, but not everyone has that in them.
View all comments by The Ghost
d - cool info on the welcome hotel - have to check it out.
8 ball - not everyone likes all posts but I can tell u that bbk’s material is consistently at the top of the top 25 posts on the site. I think all types of stuff appeals to different audiences.
freaking so many places I need to visit in pattaya - I doubt one trip will do it.
View all comments by smitty
As far as I know, BBK is a really nice guy, and he certainly knows Bangkok, and I’d hate him to be discouraged from posting, because his information is helpful and accurate, and he can’t be blamed for not being funny. He doesn’t try to be funny, anyway. So criticizing his pieces for not being funny is like criticizing … uh … Lincoln’s Tomb for not being funny. He has a lot of fans, so I’m sure he’ll keep posting, and good luck to him. Play to your strengths, BBK!
Having said that, I find his dedication to doing things “by the book” takes the bang right out of Bangkok, a city where getting it wildly wrong can be getting it absolutely right. And my inability to finish a single one of his pieces is due more to my own attention defecit than any of his stylistic shortcomings.
View all comments by Pants Elk
I visited Lincoln’s tomb - didn’t laugh once
It’s a disgrace.
View all comments by doctorbond
You probably visited the stone one. The inflatable one - a block away - is hilarious. Right next to the Bouncy Senate.
View all comments by Pants Elk
An excellent post as I will be in Thailand soon with a Newbie.
We will follow your little trek as it means I don’t have to do anything brain wise in my umpteenth time in Pattaya. I always use it as a break from Bangers for a weekend and then swear never again :+).
I think as we are a couple of old Chuffers in our 50’s I might wait for part 2 so as not to damage the old insurance.
Bring it on………..
Uncle Dave
PS Anyone into BDSM???
View all comments by Uncle Dave
The amazing Chocolate Girl….Na.
Gentlemen, if you get the chance to experience $20+ of the best bang for your bucks try Khun Na.
I have, “on and off”, for around 8 years.
She is never in a rush and she always gets a bonus from me.
A warning. An outing with Na is not for the faint hearted or the sexually conservative.
She can be elusive. Just keep wandering along the Coconut Bar around Soi 13. These days you may have to wait to well after sunset. The Boys in Brown are being a little difficult.
Enjoy
View all comments by samba
I live in Philadelphia, born and raised. For sure I’ll be having a “Philly” cheese steak tonight, with (fried onions). Us city kids say “wit” not “with”.
Nice writing Ghost.
View all comments by smitty from America
DOn’t get me started on the cheesesteak. It’s a foot long and, unlike Subway, overflowing with think-sliced roast beef. Melted jack on top with chunky mushrooms and grilled onions.
Order that with a side of pizza sauce and a huge helping of curly fries and it’s 310 baht, or $9.24. Not cheap by US standards (or Thailand ftm), but the best I’ve had over here.
View all comments by The Ghost
I saw Na on youporn as well. Impressive. I find it amazing how dudes find the resources to film with a handheld while in the thick of the action.
View all comments by Julian
wow. 310 baht !
View all comments by jack dawson
pg - all up for trying a cheesesteak but will skip the fries and will also be skipping na.
no thanks…
View all comments by smitty
bob’s isn’t too expensive if you just take the “wagon wheel challenge”. if you can eat 800 grams of burger within 45 minutes (together with fries and condiments) it’ll run you less than 300 baht. plus it’ll be the only meal you’ll need for the day. the burger looks a bit daunting at first, but i somehow managed it in under 30 minutes. mmmm burger
View all comments by go go groupie
A WAGON WHEEL CHALLENGE -I GUESS AFTER THE 5 POPS IN FIVE HOURS ,THAT SOUNDS LIKE A CHALLENGE WORTH PARTAKING IN-FOLLOWED BY A DAY OF REST OR IN A DAY SPA.ILL WRITE REPORT SOON -GOING TO PATTEYA IN TWO WEEKS-FOR BUISNESS MIND YOU..CHEERS
View all comments by zepplin
Hopefully you won’t write the whole report in ALL CAPS!
View all comments by The Ghost
BTW, Na’s going rate is 1000THB for ST. A friend of mine went with her a few months ago and she wouldn’t go for less. He said it was quite the deception back at his room, Na being very, but very mechanical. I wouldn’t have expected else though…
View all comments by mart
How many countries have a chain of BJ Bars?
Let’s call Lolitas what it is, the McBlowJob .
No surprises, enthusiastic staff, dependable product, reasonable prices….
…ah… but those vinyl seats…yuk.
View all comments by Kilgore Trout
@ Ghost: thanks again for a great post. I hope you’ll update us on the oilies and a post on the soapies down by Soi 2 (if you haven’t already written it and I somehow missed it!). Keep on rockin’.
@ Kilgore: Lolita’s in PTY has these dentist-chairs that are kind of fun. It won’t be *your* teeth getting the workout! At L’s in BKK you can get your technician to lay a towel over the seats and park your butt on that. You could even bring your own towel if you like. One thing I love about Thailand is that if yr jai yen-yen and ask nicely you’ll be amazed at what’s allowed.
I like Bob’s charbroiled burgers. I’ve never been tempted by the monster-burger, I could probably eat it in the time allotted, but then I might wish I hadn’t. But the smaller-size burgers have that edge of real charbroiled burger-type burger and sometimes that’s what I need. If desired you can have chili/cheese/jalapenos atop. It’s not as cheap as many other places, but I think the value-for-money equation is fine. If you get a nahm soda it’s in a chilled glass bottle with an ice-filled glass and lime wedges on the side. Service is competent and no-nonsense paper-towel holders on the tables, instead of those ridiculous wafer-thin pink napkins.
Ironically, when I lived in Bangkok I almost never went to PTY. Now that I live in another Asian capital, I often go to PTY straight from Cobra Swamp Airport. It’s cheaper, the air’s fresher, there’s all-day delights and if you meet up with pals for an evening out the girls get their kit off in the go-gos as the Good Lawd intended (and as they used to in NEP).
And playing 500-baht roll-the-dice along the beachfront is damn entertaining. Haven’t run across Na though.
JtB
View all comments by Jack the Bat
Hi mart,
Maybe it was your friend.
My experience with Na is just fine. I’m very, very difficult to please.
Get it?
View all comments by samba
I have always wanted to bang a thai working girl that did cheap online porn. I cant find na on youporn. Any other working girls in pattaya that I can watch online then find in real life and fuck. Im SO dieing to do this.
View all comments by yesman