The FARANG Speaks 2 Much

Pattaya Ghost: Issue #1 :: Issue #2

Violet: You know those girls?
Romero: Yeah. They’re here every morning; winding down. They have to in their line of work.
Violet: Are they hookers?
Romero: No. Coyotes.

I doubt that when Gina Wendkos wrote that bit of dialogue for the screenplay of 2000’s “Coyote Ugly” she ever imagined her trite tale of women dancing and singing in short shorts on table tops would spawn a national phenomenon half-a-world away. But here we are, eight years later, and Thai girls are wriggling into micro shorts and halter tops in ever increasing numbers in Pattaya to try and convince us (and themselves) that they’re not, in fact, hookers. They’re coyotes.

In my opinion, Wendkos and “Ugly” director David McNally should be drawn and quartered. Coyote bars are a plague on Pattaya’s nightlife scene. When I go out for a night on the town, I expect to see a certain quantity of nakedness and lewd behavior in exchange for the prices I get charged for drinks. Watching fully clothed girls stare at themselves in the mirror for 15 minutes at a time just doesn’t do it for me.

But Pattaya bar owners must think someone likes it, given how many coyote bars have sprung up all over town in the past two years. So, for the greater good of those of you in Bangkok and beyond, I sacrificed myself over the past week to survey Pattaya’s coyote dens to bring you this guide to Coyote Ugly: Pattaya Style.

“Did you ever wake up sober after a one night stand, and the person you’re next to is lying on your arm, and they’re so ugly, you’d rather chew off your arm then risk waking ‘em? That’s Coyote Ugly.” – Lil

I’m not sure I’m ready to chew off my arm, but I will say the coyote scene in Pattaya is isn’t pretty. Other than the discos, which employ a handful of dancers, you have five main places to choose from. Two are off Walking Street (Casino Club on Soi Diamond and Secrets on Soi 14), two are in Central Pattaya (Club Blu on Soi Buakhao and Hottie’s Club on Second Road just north of Soi Diana), and The Honey Pot on Soi 2.

Hitting the Jackpot

The best of these, far and away, is Casino Club. Started more than two years ago, Casino was the first of the coyote bars and still packs in the crowds late every night. Khun Tee, who also owns Diamond a Go Go just down the soi, designed Casino with two floors, intending to have coyotes downstairs and a disco upstairs. The second floor never took off, however, so now everyone crowds into the smallish ground floor. It has a high square stage in the middle with room for four dancers, plus the occasional Thai guy on bongo drums. The entire place is well done out, with a cards and casino theme.

The only gambling you’ll do there, however, is trying to actually get one of the very tidy coyotes to pay attention to you. Casino is definitely not a single-man’s pickup joint. Most dancers rush off stage to towel off after their set and tend to gaggle together in the corners rather than mix with customers.

The first year, in fact, Tee didn’t allow the coyotes to be barfined. If you wanted to see if the object of your desire could perform the same moves in your hotel room you needed to wait until 4 a.m. or so when the bar closed for her to go with you.

By popular demand, however, barfines were instituted at 1,000 baht, the first Pattaya bar to go that high (and, sadly, not the last). But considering these woman are all under 30 and dance (aerobics style) 30 minutes an hour for about 8 hours a day, they are definitely fit. You’d be hard pressed to find any who rated under an 8 on most people’s scales.

The music in Casino is classic coyote: techno, house and a smattering of remixed hip-hop, all played at levels that make conversation difficult. Drinks are reasonably priced at around 110 baht for mixed drinks and 95 baht for bottled beer. Casino is also a late-night bar and doesn’t really get started until after midnight.

I’m Blu Da Ba Dee Da Ba Die

Rachel: “All right, who’s gonna be dancing on this bar? I wanna see your bras.”

Arguably the next best of the coyote clubs is the new Club Blu, an extremely attractive new bar on the corner of Soi Buakhao and Soi Diana. The place is nigh impossible to miss at night. It’s all glass exterior positively glows from the cool blue fluorescent lighting inside. In each window there are one or two coyotes dancing, which helps you decide whether the quality is up to your liking before you set foot inside.

Inside there are high tables and bizarre chairs with levers to raise and lower them. They’re not well-made, however, and it took me three attempts the other night to find one that was comfortable to sit in. A long bar and big screen LCD TVs run along \the wall and there’s a spiral staircase leading up to short-time rooms upstairs. The music is farang friendly rock, dance and pop played loudly, but still low enough to make conversation.

The place employs more than 40 coyotes and another 25 hostesses. The coyotes are not as slim and rock-hard as in Casino, but there is more than a fair share of real lookers.

Drinking is also a very good deal here. Happy hour offers double well drinks at 100 baht, triple shots at 120 baht and a bucket of 12 shots and mixers for 495 until 8 p.m. After that mixed drinks run 95 baht. Barfines are surprisingly cheap at 550 for coyotes and 450 for hostesses.

Separated at Birth

Kevin: The place is a joke, okay? They don’t come to watch you sing, they come to watch girls shaking it on a bar!

The next two bars, The Honey Pot and the newer Hottie’s Club, are both owned by Khun Lek, who also owns the Classroom 2 go-go on Soi 2 next to Honey Pot. Both bars are unlike any coyote bar you’ve seen before as each features a live cover band playing everything from dinosaur rock to country music. I walked into Hottie’s just as the band was starting a countrified version of “Blowin’ in the Wind.” Needless to say, the girls had no idea how to dance to that and just sort of did the chrome pole shuffle without the chrome pole. A DJ does liven things up during breaks.

Hottie’s is located in the back of a large beer bar complex on Second Road opposite the Mike Shopping Mall. There are hello girls out on the street so you don’t miss it. Like Club Blue (and Honey Pot) the front of the bar is all glass so you can see the merchandise inside.

The women here are a noticeable step down from Club Blu. The costumes are large white t-shirts and modest shorts. Some women keep their mid-drifts covered (and for good reason). But the band is excellent, there’s a pool table in the back, smoking is allowed and draft beer all night is 49 baht and 59 baht for Tiger and Heineken, respectively. As such, the coyotes play a pretty minor role here. Should you be interested, however, barfines are 600 baht and lady drinks 110 baht.

The Honey Pot (great name for a bar if you ask me) was the template for Hottie’s and follows the same format and pricing. The band here, however, isn’t as good as in Hottie’s, but the women are definitely a grade better. It’s also a smaller bar with no pool table, and so the women are more a part of the environment here.

Not So Secret

As for Secrets, it’s not a straight-up coyote bar. It’s more of a hostess bar / restaurant with coyotes. The popular Pattaya Secrets message board is the driving force behind its popularity and the bar’s owners keep their hype machine running at 110% on that site, so there’s no shortage of PR and photos to let you see what it’s all about.

My take on it is that it’s a nicely laid out bar with some attractive women in appealing attire. But the word “stunner” is used far too liberally on the bar’s message board to describe the staff. Plus with girl names, badge numbers and intimate details being swapped freely online, it means there’s a good chance you’ll end up sitting across the bar from one or several guys who’s had and swapped photos about the girl sitting next to you.

So, if you’re here in Fun Town and want a break from the Jacuzzi shows and lesbian lick-offs, or (probably) you’re in mixed company or just want a cool chill-out place with a decent band, a visit to one of the coyote bars might just fit the bill.

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The Pattaya Ghost’s column appears every Sunday on The Farang Speaks 2 Much. Visit The Ghost’s Blog during the week for more Pattaya news and opinion.