This is the good stuff.
I shall commence the tutelage of you ignorant fools by explaining in simple terms what I mean by English Breakfast. I recently posited that the correct ingredients are:
sausages, bacon, eggs, mushrooms, baked beans, black pudding and toast. Fried bread optional. Points deducted for the inclusion of any form of potato”.1
After a series of long and frequently heated discussions with fellow Brits, I have begrudgingly accepted that whilst a fried tomato is also required, potato-based additions, whilst remaining optional in status, should not result in the deduction of points. Fried bread was also overwhelmingly agreed to be optional. Bad luck, Pants Elk2. Black pudding, whilst mandatory for Northerns, may be considered optional by the weaker, more effeminate Southerners or other filthy foreign types.
Now read my words and weep in the realisation of your insignificance, as I dispense the devastating details of how even mere mortals such as yourselves may feast upon the entrails of pigs, in the same manner of style in which I choose to do so, which is obviously the only possible correct way of ever doing anything.
1. Preparation
Whilst the ingredients for our oleaginous3 offal are indeed available from Bangkok’s classier supermarkets, this meal is best enjoyed whilst desperately hung-over, or ideally still actually drunk, perhaps after a long boozy sleep on the floor of your apartment or hotel room. In other words, this is not a meal you should prepare for yourself - because in order to enjoy it, you need to be in a state rendered incapable of cookery.4
I will leave the appropriation of such failure of faculties as an exercise to the reader, but suffice to say that alcohol is a sure-fire winner. Since you will be devouring an English breakfast in the morning, I will however recommend getting drunk in an English manner, ie. fifteen or so pints of lager (bitter or stout5 are also fine, if you like that sort of thing).
Vodka or scotch are acceptable spirit-based alternatives. Other spirits, particularly rum, are not. Jack Daniels is a girl’s drink.
2. Location
Once you’ve peeled yourself off the floor, removed any sleeping hookers from your apartment, and generally completed the bog-standard ex-pat morning routine, you will need to visit an English pub. This is important. You should not visit an Irish pub, because they foist queer bread onto unsuspecting breakfasters.6
And you should not visit an American bar, because Americans consider this to be food:
Jesus Mothercunting Christ! Pancakes And Sausage On A Stick! With Fucking Chocolate Chips!
The above image is genuine, although the chocolate chip variety appears to have been superceded in its incorrectness by the face-gnawingly wrong Artificial Blueberry Flavour. Great Satan on a tuk-tuk, these people are insane - not to mention inconsistent - I once observed an American tourist happily devouring a steak and kidney pie in a chip shop in England, and was gobsmacked when half-way through this delicacy, the stocky sightseer asked the staff what was actually in a steak and kidney pie, and was informed that the chief ingredients were, in fact, steak and kidney; whereupon he had a strop and refused to finish it - ignorance is evidently almost as blissful as is composing the longest wholly irrelevant run-on sentence I think I have ever commited to a page.
Anyway, I will shortly be reproducing the above picture onto a range of t-shirts, stickers, badges, tattoo stencils and so on. Feel free to use it next time an American tries to argue about the merits of American food. Or sports. Or politics. Or indeed anything at all.
Once you have decided which of Bangkok’s English pubs you are going to grace with your hung-over, slightly lumbering presence, you will need to travel to that location and order food from the service staff who take the orders from customers who want to eat the food. I have discovered that these are called waitresses.
At this point, you are committing yourself to the obligation of a financial transaction. And since it’s common knowledge that we all loathe even the very idea of paying any more than we absolutely must for any services rendered in Thailand, you should take inspiration from some (or indeed all) of the following opening gambits, conceived by myself during my time here in the Land of Smiles:
- Haggle. You should always haggle to the point of exhaustion - the Thais love it. If a full English breakfast is listed on the menu at ฿350, for example, offer the money-grabbing waitress ฿218 and your phone number. Or ฿157 and a snog. They love it.
- Bide your time. Just as you should never pay a barfine after 12.30am (”Meet me at the 7-eleven, na!”), nor pay more than ฿1,000 for long-time after 1am (and if ever you break this rule, it is vital that you then lie about it on the blogs and forums), efficient time-management can also come in handy at feeding time. Since breakfast is a morning meal, demand an afternoon discount if you’re eating after 12pm. “Maybe no more customer come. Better you give me for ฿100 than not sell any breakfast”, you might leer at the stuck-up cow.
- Gamble. Thais love to gamble! If the first two methods fail you, why not whip out a pack of playing cards, and suggest a quick game of poker. I personally like Lebanese/Southern cross, 40/80 the ante with 5s and 2s wild - winner pays for breakfast! If she’s not looking keen, or claims not to know the rules (haha, what kind of idiot doesn’t know how to play poker?!), or things are looking otherwise bleak, you can always save face by down-ball-optioning the glimbart-slide-stakes with a quick hand of gin rummy for an extra sausage and five beans.
- Drug. A handy yaa baa pill ground-up and sprinkled into the communal som tam that the waitresses are picking at in the corner or the bar will not only transform the demure service staff into wild-eyed bisexual nymphomaniacs, but it might also result in their tiny little haywire brains entirely forgetting to bill you for the food!7
Once you’ve placed your order8, there will unfortunately be an inevitable delay whilst your food is being immolated. Here are a few suggestions as to what you could do with your time:
- Offer the waitress ฿329 to suck you off under the table
- Pop open the laptop and live-blog your dining experience - many pubs now have free wi-fi!
- If you didn’t bring a laptop, send SMS updates to your twitter feed - even the low-tech paupers can now entertain the masses with the minutiae of their mealtimes.
- With judicious use of the ancient Asian art of origami, your napkin can be fashioned into a natty hat.
- Or a dove.
- Or a paper aeroplane.
- But not a very good one
- Er…
- That’s it.
3. Consumption
Eventually, your meal will be delivered to your table by the now-usually visibly angry waitress. Breathe in the aroma of the world’s finest meal. It’s all yours. I find that this is a good time to pluck a sausage from the plate and make suggestive gestures to any of the service staff who are still prepared to make eye contact.
Now using your cutlery, chop the fuck out of it, put it in your mouth and eat it, you cocking idiots - must I explain everything?
4. Oh, All Right Then
The finest English breakfast in Thailand, in my humble opinion, can be acquired at the Black Swan Pub, just by the stairs to Asoke BTS station, on the south-west side of Asoke junction (near the old location of the Sports Academy).
Honourable mentions to Pattaya’s Pig and Whistle pub on Soi 7, to Bangkok’s Dubliner pub9 near Phrom Phong BTS station (between Sukhumvit sois 22 & 24), and to Bangkok’s Jools on Sukhumvit Soi 4.
With respectful, eyebrow-waggling apologies (and a drink next time he’s in the Mango) to BigBabyKenny.
Footnotes:
- ^ See here.
- ^ And here.
- ^ Greasy.
- ^ Insert topical political gag here.
- ^ Incidentally, bitter and stout drinkers frequently … are.
- ^ See soda bread.
- ^ Or addiction and death.
- ^ And/or successfully convinced the manager not to remove you from the premises
- ^ The exception that proves the rule, with regards to Irish pubs.
This is what I think of all this:
And to anyone coming in from anywhere in the world with Krispy Kremes - please bring a box to the Big Mango ASAP. Day old or not I promise to make Mango Cheeseburgers with KK Buns.
Now that is what I call breakfast.
To hell with plates of food with congealed pig’s blood.
Also - anyone caught trying to negotiate for their breakfast in the mango will get bitch slapped.
View all comments by sideshowBOB
Agree with you on the Pig & Whistle in Pats. Best breakfast ever. Period. But I have not yet found anything in Bangkok that matches it. Dubliner is ok but it is an Irish pub. Not tried the black swan breakie but their steak & kidney pie is excellent. Jools has rather lost the plot in recent years…
View all comments by MSB
sidesaladBob.
That picture looks like it was taken in YP’s kitchen just after he whacked off.
View all comments by Daywalker
dw - I doubt YP has a kitchen and if so I doubt he can cook. Point is American Cheeseburgers rock - Krispy Kremes are next to divine. The two together seem pretty magical. I would try to make these, knowing Mango burgers rule the bloody roost, but I don’t have any Krispy Kremes.
Just deal with it.
Hell - just ignore it since you will never understand.
View all comments by sideshowBOB
What the fuck is “black pudding”? (no footnote)
(And baked beans for breakfast would explain that odd smell that always seems to be lingering when you’re around.)
I miss your point on the chocolate chip pancakes and sausage on a stick… delicious AND convenient. What could be better!?
If you want to write something useful about breakfast, can you write a blog telling me where to get pop tarts? The ones with the sweet strawberry topping on them, I mean.
BTW, if you want to offer an homage to BBK you’re about 3,672 word short.
You do have an opportunity to make up for it by writing several comments of 1500+ words each defending your initial thesis.
View all comments by Werewolf
ww - so true. never got the whole beans for breakfast thing.
That jimmy dean thing is scary but pop tarts rule. I am a strawberry with white frosting type. Toasted. Cold glass of milk. damn. I actually found some at the tops supermarket on soi 26 years ago - they had some corner with overpriced american goods. Damn they were tasty. anyone ? anyone? pop tarts rule.
I think BBB is actually been writing an addendum to this that he will break up into smaller morsels that he can fling into the comments. My guess is that it was party of the strategy.
View all comments by sideshowBOB
@WW: Black pudding is, of course, congealed pigs blood, fried up in pig fat. It is a man’s food, as opposed to Pop Tarts, Crispy Creams (note the *correct* spelling) or indeed pancakes.
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
My only surprise was that it wasn’t labeled “Part 1″
View all comments by Werewolf
I’m cruising into BKK direct from LA after a work trip in the second week of Oct, planning on spending a month in LOS, so if you want a communial box of poptars for the Big Mango, then it shall be so.
I would try some KK but I fear they wouldn’t be too good after a couple of days in transit.
View all comments by Imprint
i - bring on the pop tarts. will toast them up for the bar but also bring a small box of normal glazed KKs if u can. I know they will be 2 days old but we are going to use them for burger buns so no drama.
I can taste it now…
View all comments by sideshowBOB
@ssb
I’ll ditch the box and buy a zip lock bag or something. I’ll do my best.
View all comments by Imprint
The statins (or HMG-CoA reductase inhibitors) form a class of hypolipidemic drugs used to lower cholesterol levels in people with or at risk of cardiovascular disease. They lower cholesterol by inhibiting the enzyme HMG-CoA reductase, which is the rate-limiting enzyme of the mevalonate pathway of cholesterol synthesis. Inhibition of this enzyme in the liver stimulates LDL receptors, resulting in an increased clearance of low-density lipoprotein (LDL) from the bloodstream and a decrease in blood cholesterol levels.
View all comments by martin99z
i - nice. valiant efforts will be hugely appreciated.
m - did u comment in error or something? wrong blog?
View all comments by sideshowBOB
“I know they will be 2 days old but we are going to use them for burger buns so no drama.”
nice.
View all comments by Daywalker
dw - if u were here I would bitch slap u. fyi.
given u have never had KK u don’t know how to deal with them. I do. I have had to deal with 2 day old ones before since they was the only way to get them. Lightly microwaving them works pretty well.
Having never made burgers with them I am assuming a light dose of the microwave to soften them and then using them for the burgers should work. Meaning the freshness of them might not matter that much.
For u though I have some special reserve buns. Been saving them for a while. Just for u.
View all comments by sideshowBOB
martin99 - that sounds like something I would have written - is this in support of fried tomatoes? If so, I think we should be told.
View all comments by Times Literary Critic
Is your surname Lehman?
Sorry, I prefer ‘fresh’ bread.
View all comments by Daywalker
Our bros have got us in all sortsa shit - we’re gonna havta turn a trick or two to bolster the coffers - any takers for both of us 3000 Baht?
View all comments by Lehman Sisters
LS….. hang on.. I’ve read about this negotiating stuff…
erm… I’ll start at 500bht…. reeeeeally long time?
View all comments by Daywalker
No KKs for me.. a fresh croissant… si vous plais
View all comments by Rene Descartes
Nice. Also convenient that the Black Swan is so close to the Asoke BTS/MRT. For many a crushingly hungover morning in BKK I could just retrace my steps to the last place I remember being and, bingo, English fry up.
@ssB - Near the campus where I went to college was a little greasy spoon place that would take a locally made donut (very KK like in style/flavor), slice it in half, grill it in butter on the same gridle used to make about fifteen million slider cheeseburgers, and serve it open faced with two generous scoops of ice cream. I’m of an age now where such gastronomical excesses are more or less denied me, but like an asset backed paper trader I can still remember.
dw - congrats on the first Lehman joke. I’m currently preparing my ‘Dummies Guide to the Global Credit Crisis - How Fucked Are You?’ for general publication, but doubt it would clear the high bar for Mango publication.
View all comments by tosh
As much as the Lehman swipe made me giggle… I just know the ssB is boiling now and will most certainly have a little additional ingredient inserted into my next Mango Burger.
But worst of all… he has the keys to my apartment, so there is also the worry of where he is gonna taking a dump after he fills his belly with all this KK stuff.
I love you ssB xxx
View all comments by Daywalker
rd - u know u want one. when I make on in the mango and I allow u to only look but not ingest u will be sorry.
t - that sounds pretty sick. I thought the hamburger was pushing it. We used to eat at nationwide meats in downtown sac. an old meat locker converted to a burger joint with fresh meat. the nationwide - as it was called I think was - a huge beef patty, cheese, bacon, and a sliced up hot dog. all mashed between a fried bun and served with fries. fries were a potato cut in 4 and dropped in the fryer. comatose comes to mind after ingestion.
however I think kk mango cheeseburger might work - for some people.
the blog post sounds interesting. get on it.
View all comments by sideshowBOB
dw - u are pretty observant but I am not that blatant or predictable. Whatever it is that baldy, pmmp, bubba and so on have been doing we will never tell you. But 3 or 4 months from now when u don’t even remember this conversation we will be happy to produce the video for your viewing pleasure.
I love u too.
View all comments by sideshowBOB
I think a follow-up column on “digestive tract maintenance” would be a welcome public service for your Bangkok readers.
View all comments by fontok69
In a private email, BBB begs me to write a “gushingly fulsome encomium” of this piece. I would love to do so. Nothing would give me greater pleasure than to bestow praise where due, generously and openly. But I, to paraphrase NEP Nok when asked if she’ll go short-time for 500 baht, Can Not.
Anyone who clings to the faddish (and faggy) notion that fried bread is *optional*, and doesn’t include fried tomato in his list of “correct ingredients” is clearly ill-equipped, intellectually and morally, to hold forth on the subject. Part of his lack of ability to come to terms with his subject is due to blameless immaturity, forgiveable and understandable. BBB is still a wand of a youth, a mere lad of some 28 summers, with the down of adolescence still on his rosy cheek, and he lacks the gustatory experience that would imbue his piece with authority. But part of the failing he must bear on his own sloping shoulders - there is a lack of fine judgement here that, unless addressed and rectified, will surely lead him to the squalid hell of heroin addiction and a pauper’s grave.
He is, however, absolutely right in everything he says about America and Americans and American “food”. I only hope that this piece, together with its beautiful image of a Great British Breakfast (as hauntingly beautiful as the Turin Shroud, or the addagio in Mozart’s clarinet concerto) will start some of them on the road to Civilisation.
View all comments by Pants Elk
Let me say that the whole plate of what you consider a proper English breakfast, is a true example of crappy English food. First off only one egg and that fried until the edges curled, those two horrible examples of sausage, the look was enough to put me off and that black pile of yuk, well I can’t go on. Beans, surly you jest!
Now for some real early morning dinning, try three eggs fried in butter, with the yolks still soft, hash browns fried to a golden hue, patty sausage, hot Jimmy Deans, with a side order of 3/4 inch fluffy pancakes with real maple syrup and loads of real American butter. Yes, there is a difference in the quality of butter also. Add two or three cups of hot coffee, now try that once and you will think that you have died and gone to heaven.
View all comments by The Man
Hey, Imprint, don’t ditch the box, It will probably taste better than 2 day old KK Duffnuts.
View all comments by Jaiyenyen
pe - you started off so well and then had to end with the typical american bashing. Well - deal:
the man - I hear you but jimmy dean? Please. american can do better than jimmy dean but you are on the right path. pancakes are so important. add in a donut and some fruit to really round it off.
j - please. don’t u come from a country that eats vegemite?
View all comments by sideshowBOB
hmmm… Marmite on toast and a nice cuppa.
yum yum
View all comments by Daywalker
Doughnuts you Americans, not Donuts……………..Tsk,tsk………. separated by a common language.
At last the idea that breakfast needs any sort of Potato based “Rissole” eh? eh?? Has been destroyed..
Beans? Of course only a fool neglects the Beans.
Pancakes?? I don’t think so.
Patty Sausage? Sound a bit Gay to me.
The old Black Pud? (Not a euphemism for the after effects of A Pattaya weekend)……..Optional I agree.
So as I waddle to my local Cafe for the said English breakfast I bid you all farewell and will be in Bkk next week trying to avoid shit on a stick with currents in it or whatever it was.
Pip, pip!!
Uncle D.
View all comments by Uncle Dave
How often is the Thai interpretation of the classic English breakfast let down by a sausage that looks like a pink exploded cigar?
View all comments by Eniac
In one breath, they dismiss baked beans as being too sweet for breakfast… and yet in the next, they extol the virtues of drizzling maple syrup over their own…
@Pants: What on earth is an encomium? I said no such thing.
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
bbb - the bean thing is nothing about sweet. it is about having beans on a breakfast plate. When i mentioned that the first time u said they were sweet - like that would make the difference. sweet or not - beans are not for breakfast.
View all comments by sideshowBOB
An encomium is like a rissole, only with less fat. Of course you didn’t say it. The internet is for making things up, right?
I’m not bashing Americans, BOB. Oh hang on, yes I am actually. But it’s nothing to the bashing you’ll get from Palin when she steps into the President’s shoes.
View all comments by Pants Elk
Bacon sarni’s at The Black Swan will set your day up nicely.
View all comments by Richard
all this effort for extolling the virtues of a heart attack on a plate?!
do you smoke as well?
View all comments by bongo
Actually beans go nicely if prepared and served with the appropriate foods. some pinto’s fried and mashed with touch of cheese or chorizo works splendidly in a nice fresh flour tortilla. or how about some marinated pork shredded accompanying two scrambled eggs with fresh salsa on top served with a side of papa’s fritas finishing up with a shot of 1800 to get your day going.
Us wetbacks eat some nasty shit as well but i can never remember eating anything so closely resembling a placenta, a hockey puck and two uncircumcised leprechaun penises.
why are we even allowing someone from a place that is world renowned for shitty food spew such crap? with all the wonderful things to stick in a pie the british chose kidneys? with pumpkins, pecan, apples, lemons being available the british are famous for wasting piecrusts around the world with dead animal organs.
Krispey Kremes are shit too though yet people are addicted to them. i can walk around lodi with a dozen and use them as payment for sexual services from any of the various white meth addicts walking around the walmart parking lot.
View all comments by UnCochinoWetback
I have to totally agree with The Man. It’s a shame that the best alternative that we have out here most of the time is an English Breakfast. Sad really.
View all comments by JustinCider
FYI: Krispy Kreme is in the Phillipines: http://www.krispykreme.com.ph/
Also, Hong Kong, Indonesia, and Australia. They need only be a few hours old, not 2 days old.
View all comments by RPB3
The Man really is ‘da Man! Beautifully described.
I also have to agree with UCW that the ‘wetbacks’ do some things with beans that make them acceptable in otherwise unacceptable circumstances, however, breakfast is not one of them.
Damn! All this talk about breakfast has me craving a Mango McMuffin or three!
Ah well, the rice cooker just clicked… my khao suay is ready to be eaten.
View all comments by Werewolf
To all dissenting Americans: I refer you to the above image of Jimmy Dean’s Pancakes & Sausage On A Stick, thereby winning the argument.
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
at least we didn’t name a food after a condition you get from refusing to wear a partyhat with your latest barfine. *ahem* spotted dick *ahem*
View all comments by UnCochinoWetback
BBB: Jimmy Dean’s Pancakes & Sausage on a Stick represent the technological advancements in breakfast technology that make America great.
There is nothing better than pancakes and sausage for breakfast. To put them together in a convenient and mobile form demonstrates America’s ongoing commitment to the advancement of the food arts.
Win the argument? I think not young one. You’re barely even IN the argument.
American breakfast food in every form is a magnificent glorification of the morning meal. While your ‘ultimate’ breakfast represents several forms of pork & pork blood, sweet beans and a badly cooked egg.
Back to the drawing board for you, son.
View all comments by Werewolf
That’s got to be the ugliest plate of “food” I have ever seen. I see:
Baked beans: runny rabbit terds….
Mushrooms: well, mushrooms…
Egg on toast: an abcess waiting to burst…
Shortback bacon: elephant scab…
Black pudding: processed dog shit, but nicely shaped…
Sausages: 2 Pygmie dicks…
View all comments by John Brown
This is a subject very close to my artery-clogged heart, so here’s my two pennorth.
The price of an English breakfast must include tea and coffee, preferably with free refills. The Dubliner’s monster 350-baht breakfast does not do so and they have the cheek to add 7 per cent VAT. Another minus mark for including three types of potato (sauteed, hash browns and potato bread) plus soda bread.
Chequers and Finnegans on Soi 4 and the Soi 8 Pub do decent breakfasts for about 200 baht.
Memo to Big Mango Bar: those big sausages you serve with your bangers and mash must go on the breakfast menu. Sausage patties are all very well but we Brits find them slightly embarrassing.
IMHO, the best English breakfast in Thailand is in Isaan at Mojo’s pub in Udon Thani. When I was there nearly three years ago, I was told of its reputation and wasn’t disappointed. The owner was from Newcastle, where they know about breakfasts. He warned me it was of monstrous proportions, and it was. The ingredients were top-notch and a friendly waitress kept topping up diners with free refills of orange juice, tea and coffee. I didn’t need to eat again that day.
View all comments by On Nutter
I’ve tried different types of breakfast all over the world I will have to cast my vote for southwestern US. I lived in New Mexico for a while and the Chorizo Skillet and the Green Chili Breakfast Burritos are heavenly. UnCochino touched on it of course being the resident wetback. Have to agree with him here.
Full English though is brilliant. Jools is my favorite but I’m still researching. Have to try Black Swan for sure. Can’t do the fried bread though, I’m too near my death bed as it is.
I of course love eating at the Mango. Big surprise. I just need to get some chorizo and green chili in here and life would rock.
View all comments by pmmp
@ Daywalker/Smitty - I do have a kitchen, but mother prefers that I leave our butler too it.
Everyone knows that a real mans breakfast is 3 weetbaix, a banana, a protein shake with 2 raw eggs, and a wank in a sock, then a bareknuckle fistfight with a shark. Pussies
View all comments by Young Penfold
Jools mega-feed-your-fat-fuckin-face breakfast is huge and I’ve never finished it. Don’t know how much it costs, but I got change from a thousand.
I was pleasantly surprised my the Mango McMUFFin. I’ve only had it once, but then, that was the only day I was up early. Usually breakfast consists of a JD & Coke and some Salt & Vinegar crisps. And as the Villa Market is out of suck crisps, JD & Coke with as many refills as my wallet will allow.
Enough of the American bashing. If we are gonna ‘bash’.. let’s pick on Australia. Or better still, just bash WW
View all comments by Daywalker
BBB im literally in awe of your greatness. You have taken the time out of your hectic schedule of brown-dicking skag-heads and swindling bargirls out of rent money by playing SNAP, to enrich our feeble lives, an I am ever so grateful.
How can I repay you? Perhaps you can do me the honoue of deflower my young sister? Allow me to blow my nose on your ballbag? Perhaps stub out a fagbutt on my eye?
Awaiting your reply
YP
View all comments by Young Penfold
@Wetback: This from a citizen of the nation that brought us Turd-ucken?
@WW: Presumably those “technological advancements in breakfast technology” relate to the development of some futuristic new polymer which allows the shit to remain firmly affixed to the stick?
@JB: So you liked the mushrooms? Your Rorschach-like interpretation of the ingredients is frankly troubling.
@ON: Sure, that’s why The Dubliner only got an honourable mention - some of their ingredients are terrific, but the over-abundance of potatoes combined with the lack of tea ensures that they will never take the crown. Udon Thani is a little far to travel for breakfast, but I’ll check it out next time I’m on a recruitment drive.
@DW: The McMUFFin is a fine alternative to the full English, but due to its lack of pig can only rate as Bangkok’s second-best meal with which to start the day.
@YP: The nobility of your praise is matched only by the illiteracy of your comments. The “honoue” is all mine.
Still waiting for the first commenter to acknowledge that the article had almost nothing whatsoever to do with breakfast, but keep ‘em coming.
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
You know what BBB, your post bares a striking resemblance to another author on the site.
How I do miss those posts. I miss them almost as much as the fond memories I have for the green discharge that adorned the inner lining of my board-shorts when I had the crippling dose of ghonneria I contracted back in ‘07. Or as much as the time my foreskin tore like a cigarette paper when I was 7
Eagerly awaiting your next submission
View all comments by Young Penfold
BBB: C’mon I was in there at 2:24 p.m.:
and again at 2:43 p.m.:
Still, you DID write about breakfast… I thought the comments have been in the same spirit.
View all comments by Werewolf
@YP: Your foreskin made me cringe. As it did all the boys, I’m sure…
@WW: Well now I look stupid, don’t I? Missed that bit, or forgot about it anyway. I think your feigned ignorance of black pudding must have emptied my head of all other thoughts.
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
Maybe I missed it but did you mention where your first photo was taken from? Except for the black hockey puck looking thing it looks wicked good. Well, minus one of the sausages too that looks like my dong after a few days in Pattaya.
View all comments by pmmp
@ Wetback - love the Southeastern breakfasts I’ve had, mostly in Texas and N. Mexico. They should be pretty easily doable in BKK, some chilies, fried eggs (Thai fried eggs are fantastic) bacon, and sausage with some beans if you like ‘em.
@ ssB - Nationwide sounds pretty damn fun for an occasional indulgence. I’m originally from Wisconsin and I’m trying to figure out the most artery clogging thing we had there. Probably breaded, deep fried bacon, which was the famous fare at a dive bar where I used to watch Packer games on TV. Loved the pic of the diner. I was just in the central Washington desert kicking around for a week. Not a lot of fancy restaurants but a couple of killer diners. Ordered sausage gravy and biscuits at one place and even trying to kill a three alarm hangover I could only choke down about a third of it.
To all, on the hangover breakfast front I also recommend the Jamaican cure. Ackee + salt fish + a dash of rum in your fruit juice (guava is good) + a short meeting with Jah. Not the gilded path to a productive day but at least the pain is gone.
View all comments by tosh
I think your clients may need my services at some time.
Please mention “KK Mango Cheeseburger” for 5% discount off my surgical fees for your stent implant or bypass surgery.
Best regards
Dr A Chen MD
Changi General Hospital
View all comments by Dr A Chen MD
whaaaaat? the famous and longed for mango mcmuffin has no pig?
say it aint so……
View all comments by doctorbond
This has to be one of the funniest and most entertaining threads I have ever read! Excellent work!
I remember now just why I didn’t like spending all that time working for ‘3′ in Hemel Hempstead a couple years ago… UK Breakfasts!
I prefer three eggs scrambled with a bit of cheddar, and either a piece of thick ham steak or a nice sirloin (medium) and a slice of toast with butter and grape jelly, and coffee.
Although if I’m in a hurry it’s two Krispy Kremes (eaten within 10 minutes of the last sighting of the “Hot Doughnuts Now” sign) and a cup of coffee…
View all comments by sip
Pancake & sausage on a stick. My arteries are pissing blood just looking at it from here. :/
-N
View all comments by Tark
Bearing in mind the American-British divide on this subject, may I suggest the unlikely setting of the Silver Dollar Bar in Washington Square as a place that offers the best of both worlds at great prices.
Among the Texan offerings is SOS gravy on toast with fried egg. SOS stands for “shit on shingle” but don’t let that put you off. It is creamed beef and tastes better than it looks.
The Pinto bean soup with pork, served with corn bread/garlic bread and spring onions, is also a tasty hangover cure.
Steak and eggs, pork chop and eggs and bacon/ham eggs all come with fried potatoes, toast, butter and jam for less than 200 baht. The bar even does those breakfast pancakes that mixed-up Americans enjoy - and there is a Continental breakfast for Frenchmen and gays.
View all comments by On Nutter
the mexican breakfasts are totally doable in bkk. i do them every sunday morning with a nice cup of cafe con leche. chorizo is difficult to find but the salsa’s are easily doable and passable tortillas are abundant here.
BBB: american breakfasts taste and they also look great which is more than i say say about that picture of what appears to be food but can easily pass for an aborted fetus. i’m not sure if i should get a fork or a formaldehyde jar.
View all comments by UnCochinoWetback
@pmmp: Found it on Google. Can’t remember exactly where, sorry.
Surely all American food is essentially just European food on a bigger plate, with extra sugar?
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
Can I weigh in with some more gratuitous and offensive anti-American sentiments? Reading an American’s opinion on the Great British Breakfast is like watching a deaf-mute in a phone booth. This is a people for whom “cooking skills” means twisting an Oreo in half. Whose gastronomic expertise has made “you want fries with that?” the most-asked question in the world. Who think that cheese comes out of a can. Who smugly criticise the diet of every other nation in the world except that of - pause for dramatic effect - *Mexico*. Who can’t see anything wrong with the phrase “imported Champagne”. Who- oh, excuse me - Sarah Palin is on TV!
View all comments by Pants Elk
A slice of haggis should definitely be included, a minimum of two eggs, possibly Lorne sausage and a tattle scone if one can be had - if not fried tatties are acceptable (must be from the day before though). Camel bar in Ban Chang provides a monster breakfast, never been able to finish it, mind you never tried it sober either.
@ bongo - “do you smoke as well”? - Probably YP could answer that one!
View all comments by riodon
ALLAH AKHBAR!!! you eat pigs??????
View all comments by Siam Sunshine
I forgot to mention that [IMHO] the P&W here in Pattaya serves at best a mediocre full english which is grossly overpriced.
Crazy Daves on Soi Chaiyaphoon would have been a better choice, equal quality and portion size to the P&W at a miniscule fraction of the price, IIRC his ‘cheapest’ full english is about 79 baht.
There are literally hundreds of places here in Pattaya where a decent full english can be found for very reasonable prices too, P&W may be the most famous but it is by no means anywhere near the top of list when it comes to quality, quantity or excellence.
Siam Sunshine
View all comments by Siam Sunshine
Grits anyone?
@riodon - magic…but should all put stuffed between two rolls!!
Brown Sauce or Ketchup?
-KT
View all comments by KTBanker
docbond: don’t despair, the Mango McMuffin is served with gratuitously large portions of pig in two varieties.
Pants Elk:
I couldn’t agree more with your ideas as expressed here. Genius.
View all comments by Werewolf
SSBob, Marmite sir, Marmite, please don’t lump me in with our Vegimite loving cousins from down under.
Un Cocky Setback, I must agrre that Spotted Dick is an unfortunate name for such a delicious pudding. Spotted Dick and Custard…Food of the Gods.
On the subject of baked beans with your breakfast, they are usually given as an either/or with fried tomatoes. Canned tomatoes should never be used as they are only eaten by people who cannot cope with solid food.
View all comments by Jaiyenyen
BBB:
Nothing feigned about it… my ignorance is complete!
View all comments by Werewolf
@riodon: That is not a breakfast fit for an Englishman - it is merely a breakfast for Scotchmen. Let’s not confuse things here.
@SS: I liked the Pig and Whistle breakfast, but I’ll certainly be trying your other suggestions on my next mini-break down at the seaside.
Grits are funny. And on the McMUFFin front I meant a *relative* lack of pig, rather than an outright lack. It comes with a sausage patty or bacon. My breakfast comes with representatives of pretty much every part of the pig.
@Jaiyenyen: Marmite on toast for those on a diet. Vegemite is incorrect. And I demand beans *and* tomatoes…
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
Didn’t I see Worf and his Klingon buddies on a StarTrek episode wolfing down something similar?
View all comments by Rene Descartes
French philosopher dude- was that the episode in which kirk got with the 3 boobed alien?
View all comments by UnCochinoWetback
@Rene: Perhaps but you must remember this about Klingons from Wikipedia:
“Most Klingon body functions incorporate multiple redundancies, such as redundant stomachs, lungs, livers, an eight-chambered heart (although the Star Trek Medical Reference Manual shows a three-chambered heart), and twenty-three ribs. [5] This characteristic, known as “brak’lul”, [5] makes Klingons incredibly resilient. Klingon ribs are arranged in a latticework; the structure might be compared to chainmail. Klingon teeth are typically serrated, with multiple edges and ridges.”
So, they can blow out a stomach after eating a few hundred English breakfasts and keep on rolling. However, even Klingons won’t eat the fried bread.
View all comments by pmmp
@BBB “Scotchmen” sorry not familiar with that is that the collective noun for colonials who think they can drink. I do apologies I forgat how easy it was for an Englishman to be confused.
@KTBanker Brown, always!
Had dinner with an American gentleman in an “English Pub” he had the steak and kidney pie. I asked how he enjoyed his meal he eplied “the meat was good but there were no beans”. His reaction was interesting when I smiled and he realised the offal truth!
View all comments by riodon
@UnCochinoWetback: Wasn’t that Total Recall?
@pmmp: I’m not surprised that you are an expert on Klingon biology. I’m only surprised that you had to look it up.
@riodon: Scotch is the word for people from Scotland, duh!
nb. Note to Americans: Scotland is a small industrial town in the North of England.
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
Note: England is a small island to the east of America.
View all comments by Werewolf
Nothing seems to inspire comment like food. I admit, I couldn’t read thrugh 78 of these things, so here goes:
Ghost = American
I prefer English breakfasts. I’m sold, if it contains the following:
* SCRAMBLED eggs (2 or 3) — no mention of cooking methid on BBB’s piece.
* Sausage
* Bacon (English)
* Mushrooms
* FRIEND TOMATO — A must.
* Beans — Love them. Don’t know what ssB is on about….
* I’ll eat some potatoes, if there, but not required.
* Do not put that black pudding stuff on my plate
* Friend bread is gross.
For Patttaya, I suggested Pig & Whistle to BBB, but later was told by a mate from Birmingham that YORKIE’S in Jomtien Beach is the best. I also found The Sportsman (Soi 6), Rosie O’Grady’s (Yes, Irish) to have a huge, tasty breakfast.
As for American breakfast fare? Never been a fan.
* Kirpy Kremes — love ‘em.
* Pop Tarts — Chocolate please, toasted
* Whipped creme or chocolate crips on Pancakes? Blech. Strawberry preseres only.
Now what’s for lunch?
View all comments by The Ghost
Oh, and I agreed with UCW and PMMP that SW breakies, with lots of salsa, rule.
View all comments by The Ghost
@WW: England may be a small island, but we banished enough convicts during the 18th century to populate both America and Australia - perhaps they didn’t like fried bread either
@Ghost: Eggs are usually fried, scrambled is seen as a bit pretentious. And makes the pan hard to clean. Not that that’s any of our concern, since it’s someone else’s job to wash up. And when I say fried, I mean just fr