“No, this is how you do an arm wave - bend it at the elbow. What? Eh? Oh.”
Hung-over, hungry and horny. These were the immediate results of Part One. I figured taking care of the last two would ease the pain of the first one.
And so to Molly Malone’s, on Walking Street, for a fry-up and a cup of tea.
How hard is it to source sausages that don’t resemble the glans of a small child? 2/10 for the breakfast, but on the bright side 9/10 for the tea. At least the food provided material for my forthcoming epic saga, How To Acquire And Ingest A Tasty English Breakfast In Thailand For Dummies By Bangkok Bad Boy. I’m not even joking.
As I gingerly picked at the offal on offer, I received a series of text messages. The first was from Terry, the friend who was supposed to be joining me. He was still stranded out in the back of beyond, and wouldn’t be getting back to Bangkok in time to make it to Pattaya. Bugger.
As I was digesting this, and failing to digest the bacon, a text from Noi informed me that she was very ill indeed following the previous evening’s alcohol intake, and would be staying home for the foreseeable future. Apologies to those who assumed that the question of her whore/non-whore status would be addressed in Part Two. It isn’t - in fact, I haven’t seen her since.
Finally, I received another text. It said “What are you up to?”, and it was from my savior - Young Penfold. Upon learning that I was effectively flying solo in Pattaya, my intrepid sidekick sallied forth to Ekkamai bus station and began the two hour trip to join my adventure. Now I just had to find something to do for two hours while I waited.
Fed (technically, at least) and watered, I decided a long walk in the sunshine would be a good idea. I must have still been drunk. Still queasy, and sweating like a blind lesbian in a fishmongers after five minutes of walking, I was horny yet entirely incapable of exertion. Time for a blow job then.
How Better To Start The Day?
And so I found myself on Soi Post Office, staggering into the Pump Station bar, which I’d heard offered just such a service. Out came the orange juice (far too early for beer) and the cold towels, which was nice. And down sat a plump, not-very-pretty girl. Which was less nice. But then, you’re only looking at the tops of their heads anyway, aren’t you?
As I slurped on my OJ, my thoughts focused on a slurpy BJ. But none of the girls present had offered even the slightest shred of encouragement on that front. They girls and surroundings were, in fact, doing a very good impression of a particularly dull beer bar. I had been sure that Pump Station was a BJ bar, but was now having my doubts.
Fortunately, the chubby chick chose that moment to suggest “we go upstairs, okay?”.
“What’s upstairs?”
“Blow job”.
Result.
And so I was led through the back of the bar, outside into a small yard, through the kitchen of the building next door, and up a winding staircase into a darkened room containing a rickety-looking bar, some grubby couches, a couple of TVs playing grim American pornography, and a middle-aged Thai man giving me an odd look.
“Don’t worry about him”, said Chubs, as she wandered off into a darkened corner to fetch some willy-wipes. I sat on the least-filthy sofa, kicked off my Hello Kitty flip-flops, and stared at the weird Thai bloke until he wandered off, in order that I might feel comfortable getting my knob out.
Chubs returned, wiped down my sweaty balls, and got a condom out.
What?
I glanced at her with a quizzical look in my eye. She didn’t seem to notice.
A blowjob with a condom is like trying to eat porridge through a sieve. You get there in the end, but wonder whether it was really worthwhile. Still, it would be rude to ask her not to use one. Wouldn’t it?
And as Chubs started to work on my latex-encased member, my mind started to wander. Perhaps there was a good reason for her using a condom. Perhaps she has a mouth ulcer. Perhaps she has AIDS. Of the teeth.
Eventually, my sex-wee gushed forth, and the whole sordid business was over with. It turned out that the split, not obvious to the casual customer in Lolita’s or the Star of Light (where the girl receives 300-400 baht of the 700 that you pay to the bar) is more overt in this establishment. Pay the bar 375, I think, then a tip for the girl. Chubs suggested 300 or 400. Should have checked that first really, but no matter. I’ll think I’ll try to find Lolita’s next time.
Massage and Marriage. And Poo Panic.
By this time, Young Penfold was about an hour away, bouncing up and down in excitement on the back seat of the fun bus. Or so I imagined. I decided that I’d continue the theme of lazy pampering by having a foot massage. I found a little place on Soi 11, and lay back in a very comfy chair as a 40-ish Thai woman began to ease away my stresses.
We got chatting, as you do. She was from Issan, obviously. The usual conversation - where was I from, how long was I in Pattaya for, how long had I been in Thailand, did I have a wife, a girlfriend, a boyfriend, a ladyboyfriend, or any other non-gender-specific sexual partner of any kind, or indeed species. No, I told her. I do not.
And so she decided that I should marry her daughter. Who was twelve.
“Well, maybe I’ll come back in six years”, I smiled.
“Oh no, don’t worry about that, it’s Issan”, was the rather disarming reply.
Just then, my phone rang, saving me from having to go and live in Suvarnabhumi departures lounge. Amazing Thailand.
Young Penfold (for it was he) had arrived.
And while the boy wonder stretched his geography skills to the max in order to find the massage shop, I was beginning to feel some uncomfortable stirrings. The previous night’s diet of beer, beer and beer (with beer chasers), was beginning to make its way through my lower intestine.
Just as my future mother-in-law was doing the bit where she pulls my leg up and pushes my thigh into my abdomen.
Imagine a human icing-bag.
“Plrrrrrrrrrp”, said my bottom.
I had definitely only farted. This is what I told myself. There was no follow-through. There was no follow-through. There was no follow-through. Was there?
I’d changed my jeans for a pair of shorts supplied by the massage shop when I came in. And, for reasons best left unexplored, happened to be wearing a friend’s boxer shorts.
The worry that you may have shat your own pants is pretty unpleasant. The very real possibility that you may have shat somebody else’s pants is quite something else.
“I go toilet”, I mumbled.
Once in the toilet, which I reached by walking backwards, in case there was a growing brown stain on the back of the shorts (”Property of Noi’s Massage”), I gingerly removed my garments, and breathed a sigh of relief.
I was clean.
Beer Bars. Lots of Beer Bars.
Penfold eventually arrived at the shop, just as my massage came to a merciful end. And after reassuring the masseuses that I would definitely be back to marry my child bride, we were finally allowed to leave.
And so up to Second Road, for a bar crawl.
The first open-air beer bar seemed an inoffensive enough place. We hadn’t reckoned on the interpersonal skills of what could quite possibly have been Pattaya’s rudest bargirl. A title not to be awarded lightly.
As the boy wonder and I sat down and ordered a brace of Heinekens, she welcomed us to her workplace by giving us the finger. There are hawkers working the bars of Pattaya selling tacky wristbands - you may have seen them. One can purchase a flimsy nylon bracelet bearing the embroidered legend of “ENGLAND”, or “MANCHESTER UNITED”, etc and so on. Rude Girl was sporting just such an item, except hers was emblazoned with the words “FUCK OFF”.
We hadn’t approached her, hadn’t spoken to her, had hardly even noticed her. Our only crime had been to sit at the bar where she worked, and to order drinks.
As a stream of apparently random invective and abuse flew forth from the mouth of Rude Girl, we decided we’d move on. Our change came in coins, which we left on the tray.
“Fucking shit-ass kee-neow farang fucking shit, you fucking tip!”, said Rude Girl.
We took the coins.
And so on to Sois 7 & 8, which Young Penfold assured me had some “awesome bars”. I didn’t see any.
We sat at another open air beer bar, at which an elderly anorexic chap was wooing a not-particularly attractive bargirl with roses and very bad dancing. A few more beers in there, and we were well on our way.
A succession of hawkers showed up, selling watches, DVDs, carved statues, and finally viagra. I laughed and waved him away - YP and I are still in our 20s, I told him.
YP waved him back and bought some. Oh dear.
Off to another beer bar, where two utterly gorgeous girls were working. One was 19, the other 22. Penfold decided that they must be twins. Naturally. We were certainly up for short-timing them, but the more we spoke, and the more drinks we bought, the more they turned the conversation around to which bars and nightclubs we wanted to take them to. Not really what we had in mind.
We figured we’d cut our losses, and find some girls who actually wanted to have sex.
Walking Street
First up though, surely Penfold would want to check into a hotel and drop his bag. Where, in fact, was his bag?
“Hotels are gay”.
Penfold’s luggage consisted of a tub of hair wax and a pink ladies roll-on deodorant. Legend.
On our way up to Walking Street, my phone rang. It was Noi, the ‘tweener (or is she?) from Part One. Still hung over, she thanked me for a fun night out, apologised that there was no way she could face another night out just yet, and told me she’d see me next time I was in town. Which was nice.
Penfold and I stopped for a couple of beers at the open-air beer bar complex near the entrance to Walking Street, taking in the Thai boxing show and checking out the girls. The boxing was better.
Moving onwards, Penfold had a plan.
“There’s this ladyboy at the Jenny Star Bar who my mate swears is the best lay he’s ever had. I’ve been wanting to shag her for a year, but she’s been in prison. I think she’s out now.”
So to the Jenny Star Bar we went, and indeed there she was.
I listened to the master at work, as the apple of his eye initially asked for ฿1,500 plus the barfine. Young Penfers haggled her down to ฿1,000, inclusive of the barfine, and celebrated by munching on his first Viagra of the night. Apparently it’s not too tasty. Still, you’ve got to love low season.
Despite my urging him to write up his own memories of the night, Penfold has thus far only offered this comment. I think it excuses his disappearing for the night when we were still only at the first gogo:
Speaking of famous, I smashed the shit out of MOO from JSB (the 1 who went to prison a while back) in Pattaya the other night. Then for an extra 500baht (250baht each) her 2 mates smoking ice and watching lesbian porn in the corner of the room joined in the fray. All a game as they say #
See, he didn’t need a hotel after all.
Since I was back to flying solo, I thought I’d check out a few of the bars that I hadn’t managed to explore last time.
Catz, Living Dolls Showcase and Beavers were all pretty dull. And after beers on sois 7 & 8, the boxing-ring beer bars, and now four different gogos, I was beginning to feel the pace.
I wolfed down some pad thai in an attempt to soak up some of the booze that was by now merrily sloshing around in my tummy, and decided it was time to head home. I’d find a hot chick on the way. Wouldn’t I?
For me, there’s no sexier ensemble than the Thai university outfit. That little tight white blouse. The short-as-she-dares black skirt. A couple of my other kinks are full, pouting lips and braces.
So I was pretty happy to find a hot, big-lipped girl with braces wearing a uni outfit at the last beer bar before my hotel. Even happier when I got change from ฿500 after buying us a drink each and paying the barfine. So happy, in fact, that after we hit the 7-11 for supplies, and the carrier bag split outside a busy beer bar, spilling my condoms and K-Y onto the street for the whole world to see, I didn’t even mind.
A good night.
first…. good story
View all comments by jeezo
BBB — Good to meet you. Back in Pattaya and missing BKK already. Hit The Street to see if my feelings about your town were off and nothing I saw changed my mind. Bleak. So bleak, in fact, I ended up in Insomnia late where you’d have been quite happy.
There were TWO girls, who came there together, in school girl uniforms. (Very) tight white blouses opened 3 buttons and tartan skirts. I asked if they were service girls just off work at go-go, as such uniforms are the standard serving wench wardrobe in many places.
Nope. They didn’t work in a go-go. In fact, they didn’t work at all. They just go to Insomnia and that’s what they wear.
New one on me.
View all comments by Pattaya Ghost
Great Story BBB, took me so long to read tho as I was pissing myself laughing and kept on having to re read the massage part!!!
View all comments by Adz
Still can’t figure out this Young Penfold character. Are you sure he isn’t a figment of everybody’s imagination?
View all comments by smitty from America
Hushed golf applause for the Boswell & Johnson of Bangkok. I have to say, in this altogether fine and mirthsome piece, the best line (as always) goes to Young Penfold, for his “hotels are gay” soundbite. Your own “sweaty lesbian” line comes a close second (although I’d argue she doesn’t have to be blind).
To think he’s currently in Hemel Hempstead, muff-diving hairdressers and slapping his tummy banana while “visiting” certain websites … will not the King issue him with permanent resident’s status (and a full pardon)? He’s as much part of Bangkok as the sewer system, albeit less fragrant …
View all comments by Pants Elk
Human icing-bag….hilarious. My PA is wondering if she should be calling the boys with the butterfly nets…
View all comments by KamnanT
Should Penfold not have earned even a mild rebuke for BF-ing early and leaving you “flying solo”? I seem to remember a 3B think-piece on this.
Not that it needs to be too boring on your own in Pattaya.
View all comments by Combover
Very funny as always BBB.
View all comments by Richard
Great read as always and pleased that you remain true to your gastrointestinal theme.
Laughed so hard I almost lost control of my own sphincter. Thankfully, I am wearing my own underwear
View all comments by Professor
Nice to see Combover being wheeled into the sunlight to tap out his once-yearly comment while they change the filter on his drip feed.
View all comments by Pants Elk
Great read as usual.
I also though the highlight was the line ‘hotels are gay’. Does Youngpenfold have his own blog as well?
View all comments by Imprint
@PG: I need photos. Preferably laminated.
@smitty from America: He is all too real.
@Pants, Imprint: I must confess to a little artistic license. The Saturday night in question was in fact a few weeks ago. I can’t remember whether YP actually uttered the words “hotels are gay”, but it seemed to me the sort of thing that he would say, so in it went. True to the spirit, if not the actual fact.
@Combover: It was rather poor manners, but I forgave him after hearing that the gruesome twosome hailed a motorbike taxi near the bar, and that the driver didn’t even need to ask where they were going.
@Professor: Alimentary, my dear Watson.
@Imprint: No, he has written here before, but is fiendishly difficult to motivate. Plus he’s back in the UK right now, so has absolutely nothing to say.
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
No, he has written here before, but is fiendishly difficult to motivate. Plus he’s back in the UK right now, so has absolutely nothing to say.
I am happy to vouch for the reality of Young Penfold. I often WISH he were imaginary.
Contrary to BBB’s comment, pasted above, I have been in touch with Penfold at length this week because he sought out my sage advice about what to do with his life. (Actually he didn’t ask; he just couldn’t stop me from pontificating).
It seems that YP has been using his time in the Mother Country effectively, and jotting his Bangkok memoirs with an eye towards publishing them in a series of weekly pieces her at TFS2M. (Of course I’ve often sat alone for hours waiting for YP to arrive at a bar because I believed him when he told me ‘I’m leaving home now’ when in fact he was still working on moussing his hair.)
I’m sure that the blog readers will be amazed, offended, amused and disgusted in equal measures by his writings. For my part, I love reading his stuff, since he’s much funnier when you can *see* the grammar and spelling and not just hear it.
Just think ’stream of consciousness’ when you read his stuff and it all starts to make sense.
Sort of.
View all comments by Werewolf
dude, your wingman bailed on you. usually when that happens it’s with the understanding that the one bailing buys the next round for the one bailed.
And it’s common knowledge that chicks fresh out of prison are the best kind. it’s always a good idea to hang outside a womens correctional facilities with a bouquet of roses. you can soften her up by comparing tattoo’s and scars received in fights before getting it one “american history x” shower style.
View all comments by UnCochinoWetback
Hotels are indeed gay. They dont do anything for me. Travelling light is essential. Hair wax, a light and airy roll-on and a pocket full of the kings sheets is the essential kit you need for a night in The Patts
Being back in the UK aint so bad. In between my 11wanks a day, and diet of Pizza Express and Ribena (Which has caused me to shed 2kg)Ive been writing down a lot of shit/drivvle lately. Illegible shit(great spelling there you twat) mostly. Lot of it just short, sharp and some utterly cuntish true stories
Titles including…..
‘Jailbird Ladyboy and the crackwhore 4some’
‘Soapie boner in a Transit van’
‘Raped’
‘Splatterhouse’
‘10k shortime’
‘Death threats at Star of Light’
‘Sleeping under the stars in soi4′
View all comments by Young Penfold
BBB…the “false positive” brownout is indeed a terrifying thing. Right up there with the real thing. Good thing you didn’t fall into the hole when you were walking backward.
View all comments by The Asian Badger
BBB, while reading that post I could not stop laughing. Real or imaginary YP sounds like a story all to himself. Now I miss Thailand even more, damn.
View all comments by burgerman
@Pants: So I guess my input doesn’t qualify as ’stream of consciousness’ too then? Or perhaps it does. It takes an awful lot of effort to even tap out fifty or so words in the harsh glare of daylight.
View all comments by Combover
Anyone wishing to contribute towards Combover’s institutional care costs can do so via me. Signed copies of his comments to MangoSauce are still available at 1000 tb (unframed). Those were the days, eh, Combers? David used to pay his Privileged Commentators a fair rate, too. A shame that spat with Dicer demanding more money than the rest of us effectively brought the blog to its knees.
View all comments by Pants Elk
A mere 20 Baht will get me a bed bath. 50 for an enema. Plese give generously.
View all comments by Combover
I’m just stunned at the sheer number of people who appear to believe that Penfold isn’t a real person.
I even have a photo of him:
http://bargirlsrpeople2.files.wordpress.com/2008/05/penfold-escalator-shot.jpg
from this blog posting:
http://bargirlsrpeople2.wordpress.com/2008/05/18/bad-boys-2/
As hard as it is to believe he could be real, he is.
View all comments by Werewolf
…
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
YP is indeed real. My taxicab driver nearly sideswiped him a few weeks back while, attempting to figure which light he should be looking at to determine when it was safe to cross the Suk at Asok, he had inadvertently (or perhaps intentionally) meandered into the traffic lane next to the median.
I think the taxi driver was right when he said, “Ohhhh hohoo, farang kêe lâo mao yaa!” or something to that effect.
View all comments by Bubba
@Bubba: Actually that was my fault. I was the other farang, desperate to cross the road and get to Soi Cowboy so that I could pee. We weren’t *that* drunk.
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
Great story BBB. Down in Patts now with Daywalker, ssB left this morning. Will surely write about it but no LB 4somes or underwear scares so far so won’t be as exciting. One more night though so fingers crossed. This place is awesome though. The amount of puss is just overwhelming.
View all comments by pmmp
@ Pmmp - While your down in Patts, please go and say hi to NEE in Redpoing Bar soi6 for me. While your at it, you may aswell hurl your prick up her dirtbox and slip her a purple sheet for her efforts. Tell her Steve sends his love.
View all comments by Young Penfold
I read more than a little homo-erotic yearning in Werewolf’s extensive writings about YP, and his enthusiasm to advertise their, er, personal familiarity. He even took a picture of the demented rent-boy’s love pillows …
I’m sick of this Young Penfold cult of personality. I say: COMBOVER FOR PRESIDENT. Combers is less gay than YP, has 87 years experience of Bangkok P4P, his own catheter, a complete set of Buggles records, and can write proper English (when his fingers are working).
View all comments by Pants Elk
@yp: Made it to soi 6 for an afternoon blowie but went with a 30 year old thai soccer mom instead with hips, ass and sagging boobs like my last girlfriend in the states. Wanted to try something different I guess but not as different as a dirtbox.
View all comments by pmmp
I came to this a bit late as my attention has been diverted the last coupla days - but, excellent piece!!!!. I remember once asserting that I didn’t need a hotel for a flying visit to a party town (San Fran) - soon changed my mind after my second pint (someone tell YP that ‘Yoof’ is wasted on the young)
View all comments by doctorbond
db - yp is actually daywalker in a wig. Finally. The truth is out. I just did not want it carrying on further that people thought YP was real. Of course he is real but only when daywalker puts on the wig, some of them have the built in headband, and starts drink flat spy wine coolers. Anyway I will let DW know about the Yoof thingy.
View all comments by sideshowBOB
he he - I’ll see for myself in 4 weeks - DW doesn’t need an alter-ego - the first one is scary enough
View all comments by doctorbond
I thought Soi 6 was pretty lame…….
I prefer the girls that remove their teeth before they suck me off…. I still have teeth marks in my purple headed throbbing warrior….
Hats off to pmmp for taking one for the team…. she was a moose!
View all comments by Daywalker
Take a baht bus to Jomtien and check out Simple Simon for the best breakfast in the area real sausages, bacon, baked beans etc etc.
View all comments by Spyker
Excellent piece from BBB as one has come to expect - the position of sub-editor on the Bangkok Desk is yours anytime you want it
View all comments by Times Literary Critic
@Spyker: Does it have black pudding? This is Important. The correct ingredients are sausages, bacon, eggs, mushrooms, baked beans, black pudding and toast. Fried bread optional. Points deducted for the inclusion of any form of potato.
@TLC: Sub-editors are gay [Oi! -Ed].
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
bbb - can we get a dummies guide to english breakfast? Then I would do a better job of avoiding them completely.
View all comments by sideshowBOB
@ssB: Funny you should say that…
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
Check out that grey haired cunt in the left of the main pic. Wrap-around leatherette sandals, chino shorts, a snide surfboarding tshirt and a beer gut……….. god i miss Thailand
And BBB if you could clear up something thats been bothering me ……..” YP and I are still in our 20s”
How long until that quote is about of date?
View all comments by Young Penfold
I guess they would have no objection to frying you up some blood clotts if thats what floats your boat.
I try to keep away from them myslef.
I think they keep the coffee coming as well, its a good place to know when you need balast.
View all comments by Spyker
“The correct ingredients are sausages, bacon, eggs, mushrooms, baked beans, black pudding and toast.”
BBB, normally I’d weigh in with some facile comment but I feel this thread is a moderately intelligent discussion about a subject of substance, and so I take issue with what you have written (especially in the context of your upcoming ur-text on the Great British Breakfast).
Firstly, and to whit, fried bread is NOT an option. What are you, crazy?? A slab of golden, crisp fried bread is the very cornerstone, the foundation, of this most noble of repasts. To replace it with toast is to start on the slippery slope towards Fascism. Toast should always follow the cooked breakfast (proper toast - hot, crisp, with marmalade and room-temperature butter). To reduce the golden heart of the English breakfast (the food Jesus preferred, let us not forget) to an option is more than mere faddism, it is pernicious, and you should be ashamed.
Secondly, and furthermore, you bafflingly fail to include fried tomatoes in your list. There has been some contention in these columns (instigated by “Americans” who wouldn’t know a good breakfast if it had a fucking great flashing neon sign stuck in it - McMuffins MY ARSE) that fried tomatoes are not only unnecessary but somehow repellent. I hope your omission is due to Fantasy Football Fatigue and not kow-towing to the debased and ignorant pleading of a colony famous for removing the flavour from every foodstuff they produce and replacing it with a lard/sugar mix. The fried tomato is as essential to the Great British Breakfast as the white porcelain plate and the steaming mug of strong tea (which you also fail to mention).
I do sincerely hope that these considerable lapses of judgement evident in your comment in no way augur a shoddy, ill-thought-out blog piece.
(And now … back to the Thai baht …)
View all comments by Pants Elk
@BBB: I actually think you’re a bit out of whack with those breakfast components and would have to sub the mushrooms for grilled tomato, cooked long so that it is sweet and squishy.
Also, the sausage quality is absolutely vital. A good Lincolnshire Herb or Cumberland for example. Wall’s sausages have a certain nostalgic 70s cachet, but are basically an inferior product and only to be used in emergencies on when targeting a specific breakfast demographic.
Finally, the bacon should be back bacon. Proper bacon. Man’s bacon. Bacon of the ages. Streaky bacon is the loud, brassy, attention seeking little cousin of back bacon and is for women, kids & wimps. Smoked or unsmoked is acceptable.
View all comments by Combover
Combover, I think it’s time we got a place together. Oh, there’d be talk, ugly talk from little minds, but we’d have the greatest breakfasts in the world in our comfortingly large bellies, and the world would hear us laugh at rumour.
I think BBB had better be VERY careful in his much-vaunted Breakfast Piece, because there are a lot of us out here who clearly know better than he does.
View all comments by Pants Elk
@Pants: chalets become available daily in my retirement village. Mostly the guys that loved their FEBs, mind.
And I thought I’d throw in a link to this fantastic blog - Eggbaconchipsandbeans. Not strictly speaking breakfast, not least because of the potato component, but borne of utter love and brilliantly observational…
http://russelldavies.typepad.com/eggbaconchipsandbeans/
View all comments by Combover
u guys are all messed up. English breakfast sucks. No matter how much fried shit u put on the plate.
A Mango McMUFFin rules the roost. deal.
thanks!
View all comments by sideshowBOB
@Pants: Looks like we’ve been told. I suppose we should just recognise the primacy of American morning fare and retire to our grits & Cheerios. Oh.
View all comments by Combover
co - u fall so easily. primacy of american breakfast - maybe u have never been to america?
cheerios and grits are not what I am talking about. Usually in an american breakfast diner the breakfast menu alone is as big as an entire english pub menu. I always find it funny that english boast about one plate of assorted items like it is the be all and end all to the morning meal. most of what comes on a plate for english breakfast I find generally revolting but that is just me. breakfast in a proper american joint is pretty varied and expansive. no real examples of such to point to outside of america but in america it is fairly readily available.
View all comments by sideshowBOB
@Pants: Oof, it’s a minefield out there. I did forget the tomato, for which I apologise. Fried bread is still optional though.
All this and more to be explored
soonprobably some time next week.View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
@ssB: I have indeed spent a lot of time in the US. I recognise the variety of American breakfast menus, though not necesarily the quality. But I’m not interested in nationalistic willy-waving. Sadly, the quality of the dish often purported to be a Full English Breakfast (FEB) is also too often below par. I suspect you have experienced too many of these. Imposters are rife. In fact, they are the standard in Bangkok.
I feel it only right that the FEB should be the best it can be. Which is pretty damn good. I’m sure you have a pretty set idea about the perfect cheeseburger, pizza slice, steak, or McMuffin.
So, the best ingredients, meticulously sourced (and sauced), in correct proportion and combination, as detailed above, and cooked to perfection.
Give it yer best shot BBB.
View all comments by Combover
co - nothing nationalistic going on here and u are probably right about the EB available here. Let’s see what BBB unearths but I am more talking about the variety on hand in america versus the one plate wonder.
View all comments by sideshowBOB
Dear sideshowBOB
Your (American) so-called “variety” is merely the samesame bland, no-taste, no-skill stodge thrown on a plate in different ways; backhand, overarm, with a slight spin - makes no difference. There’s still no taste. I’ve stayed in the US, on both coasts (the middle doesn’t count - anyone who’s seen it from the air will agree with that) and I speak from experience. I’ve had breakfasts at the “best” diners in New York, and what they lack in quality they certainly make up for in quantity. To Americans, quantity *is* quality - and all the better if drowned in syrup, whatever the ingredients.
If you were at all familiar with your Bible, you’d know that on the seventh day God discovered (not created) the Full English Breakfast - and retired from active duty after eating it, knowing he could never create anything as beautiful himself.
And @BBB - you blow what little credibility you had left by insisting on the “optional” status of fried bread. I do not consider this poaition to be a harmless eccentricity on your part. Belief in the FEB *is* belief in the fundamental stratum of fried bread, which forms the foundation of any life of worth.
As an addendum, I’d like to say that the Mango McMuffin is a very palatable dish (if one ignores the gay fruit morsels), but to compare it to a FEB is to compare, er, something not very good to something very good indeed. There. I’ve said it, and I’m GLAD, I tell you …
View all comments by Pants Elk
ssB — Although a yank, I’m siding with the Brits on this one. I only discovered the Full English here in Thailand (and have now had them in a few B&Bs in England and I think its the one food the Brits got right. Given a choice of American vs. English breakfast, I’d take the English everyday and Sunday, too.
I won’t say WHAT is supposed to be in the proper Full English, but I can tell you the best places in Pattaya to get tasty ones. BBB’s choice was not even near the list.
Not that these are in order, but close:
* Pig & Whistle, Soi 7
* Rosie O’Grady’s (Blk pudding here BBB), Soi 7
* The Sportsman, Soi 6 / Soi 13
* Tropical Bert’s, Soi 6/1
* Catebury Tales, sorry forget location…
Not a full list, but the ones I know of…
Oh, and for me,
* Scrambled eggs
* Grilled tomato (yum)
* beans (yummier)
* sausage (firm and not burnt)
* English bacon (can take or leave it)
* Toast (large, thick slice w/Straweberry jam, plz)
Options:
* Fried bread (blech)
* Fried potatoes (usually leave half of them)
* Black pudding (yuck)
View all comments by The Ghost
“position” - why doesn’t this lame-ass site allow editing?
View all comments by Pants Elk
oh, and I forgot… mushrooms too, plz
View all comments by The Ghost
Dont get it. U are still listing the same basic items all fried and lumped on one plate.
in america I can have pancakes, waffles, omelets, potatoes, various types of meat and even add in all the mexican stuff if u are in the right area. That is a menu in and of itself.
Let’s be honest. It is just a matter of taste really and I am not one to say what is better or worse. Even quality aside. An English Breakfast seems pretty narrowly focused compared to the variety I am used to in America. That was all.
View all comments by sideshowBOB
@Ghost: I tried Rosie O’Grady’s last Pattaya trip, after the morning round with the big-lipped be-braced uni outfit girl.
They put potatoes on my plate.
I wept.
@ssB: We have spent centuries refining the perfect combination. It’s like criticising a Porsche dealership for not selling Fords.
I can happily enjoy a decent American breakfast, and have sampled many myself in the US. My only complaint is the sweet-savoury combination. Pancakes, syrup and bacon is as objectionable a combination to me as pineapple on a pizza, or ice-cream on a cheeseburger.
All a matter of taste, of course. I think that the cavalcade of comments on a subject I haven’t even written the article for yet shows that it’ll be a fun ride though.
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
bbb - not all stuff sweet but I get the point. Still a matter of taste. pigs blood and your lame idea of bacon disgust me. so it all comes out in the wash. the dummies guide might get pretty controversial.
View all comments by sideshowBOB
FEB is a dish. Not a menu.
Other menu items which would complement and FEB might be:
PEB (Partial English Breakfast comprising a subset of FEB components)
Porridge
Kippers
Kedgeree
Oat cakes
Compote of autumn fruits
White pudding
Square sausage (in Scotland)
Toast (wholemeal or white but thick cut and definitely noted processed sliced)
Oxford thick cut marmalade
A selection of home made preserves
etc etc etc
Not all on the same plate though, as our transatlantic cousins might be tempted to do.
View all comments by Combover
@Combover: That is a very Scottish-looking menu to me. All good though. Do you want to tell them about white pudding, or should I?
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
maybe they’re not part of a traditional FEB, but what’s the problem with potatoes? put some nice hash brown potatoes or country fries in substitution of baked beans would make the whole deal so much better. In fact, the baked beans are usually somewhat sweet, thus i’d think they’d run afoul of BBB’s prohibition on “sweet-savory combinations”.
best breakfast of this sort i’ve had has been at the Dubliner, although i guess that’s really a FIB. then again, english, irish, same thing, right?
View all comments by generous sponsor
@gs: “somewhat sweet”, as in beans, ketchup, etc, is permissible. Fruit and/or syrup is not. Let’s not get into the “tomatoes are fruit, actually” thing…
The Dubliner serves a fine breakfast, and will certainly be featured in my forthcoming epic saga.
Try telling an Irishman that he’s the same as the English. Really. I’ll wait.
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
I might point out that in a certain ‘English’ bar not far from Patpong they offer something they call the ‘Half English’ !!!
WTF ????
View all comments by doctorbond
bbb - so many pathetic exceptions.
db - stuff it.
View all comments by sideshowBOB
nooooooooo - if it was stuffed, it would presumably be a ‘Whole English’
View all comments by doctorbond
Looks like the spam filter got me again. Must stop posting entertaining links.
View all comments by Combover
What are you wearing?
I’m dressed as a 1970s kids’ TV presenter, sporting unpleasantly tight denim dungarees (elephant-flare legs), a yellow and green check shirt with butterfly-wing collar, canvas clogs, a Gilbert O’Sullivan-style curly perm, and red-framed oversized glasses.
Tricycle told me its the way to go on Soi 4! See you there!
View all comments by Pants Elk
I have it on good authority — actually from the man himself — that BBB is here in Pattaya tonight meeting the Mystery Woman in search of an answer to the question: “Is she or isn’t she.”
Classic quote: “At this point, the shag would be an afterthought. I just have to know.”
View all comments by Pattaya Ghost
Mr Ghost
* Pig & Whistle, Soi 7
* Rosie O’Grady’s (Blk pudding here BBB), Soi 7
* The Sportsman, Soi 6 / Soi 13
* Tropical Bert’s, Soi 6/1
* Catebury Tales, sorry forget location…
I have not had the pleasure of any of these fine establishments, but will take you up on your challenge/recommendations.
However it’s only manners to point out that it would need to be a fair sausage indeed (for Thailand) to best the Yorkshire offerings of Simple Simon.
I’ll let you know I will be back in LOS soon.
View all comments by Spyker
Khun Ghost “* Catebury Tales, sorry forget location…”
Cantebury Tales (http://www.bestpattayaguesthouse.com/canterburytales.htm) restaurant/hotel is on Soi LK Metro, just off Soi Buakhao. Consists of a decent restaurant, inexpensive (roomy, but basic) rooms, and a nice library of used books.
View all comments by DJ