So many words. So many tales to tell. So many frankly ridiculous situations that for some reason only ever seem to happen to me. And I wanted to tell you about them all.
But Real Life continues to monopolise my time, and with Werewolf a mere five days away from returning to this great city, and reassuming ownership of this website, I’ve simply run out of time.
I wanted to tell you about bedding my first African girl. About the joys and merits of consensual adultery (”Take my wife… Please!”). About the awkward embarrassment that ensues when one enters Lolita’s just as the police are in attendance to collect their regular “fee”. About my disappointment that I can’t seem to find any shaggable midgets (”midgets: they make your cock look big”) any more - there used to be a right game one working the pole at Nana Plaza’s Lollipop bar, many moons ago… But I’m all out of time.
There will be a final fill of filth on Wednesday morning, before my goodbye message appears on Friday, mere hours before the return of the man himself. I’d like to say that I’ll find time to put something further up on Monday or Tuesday, but it’s looking increasingly likely that I simply won’t have the time.
So for now, this is my penultimate-but-one publication. So here’s, if not a particularly fine excuse, then at least an explanation as to why I managed to get absolutely nothing written this weekend…
Mango Shots Are Not Always The Wisest Of Ideas
Sometimes I’m the master of my own downfall. “As if you needed any help, there’ll be rounds of Mango Shots going round as required”, I crowed last Friday. As if it were a good thing.
Probably would have been a good thing, too, if I’d turned up at the Big Mango’s Grand Opening party at, say 10pm. I didn’t. I got there sometime around 6.30pm. Schoolboy error. Straight onto the Beer Lao, with all-too-frequent Mango Shots (vodka and mango juice? I don’t even know). It was messy.
The party itself was a roaring success, with more customers than I think I’ve ever seen in the new bar, far eclipsing the soft opening. Best of luck to the Super Mango Bros, I think they’ve got a winner on their hands.
Aside from the tragic absence of our man WW, the Grand Opening party was like a who’s-who of the ‘Kokosphere. Stickman, Smitty, Pmmp, BigBabyKenny, Young Penfold, Daywalker, On Nutter, probably dozens I’ve either accidentally ommitted or never met, and of course myself.
The camp balloons were present, as were mountains of free food, along with Mango Girls old and new. The booze flowed freely. After a few, so did I.
By about 8.30pm, thanks to the combination of vodka and beer, I was positively drunk. Only five and a half hours to go. Uh-oh.
Even an unlimited supply of popcorn, hamburgers, french fries, tortillas, and all manner of Thai fare wasn’t going to be able to soak up the booze at the rate at which it was arriving at my table.
And so things got remarkably silly. I remember talking to a lot of people. I haven’t a clue what I was saying. I hope it was entertaining.
And then came the whiskey…
After-Party, and Aftermath
I rolled out of the Mango sometime around 1am, steaming pissed and not entirely steady on my feet.
A brisk stagger later, I found myself on Soi Cowboy, much to my surprise. Even more surprising was the sudden appearance, as if by magic, of Young Penfold. Hello!
We decided that more beer was the order of the day, and to my alcohol-addled mind, there was surely no better location to hit than the bar in which a girl with whom I had recently been having a not-quite-relationship (terminated in a typically messy breakup) works.
Normally, this would have been a recipe for disaster. Mercifully, I was quite literally too drunk to argue with her. Her goading and sniping were getting her precisely nowhere, mostly because I was too inebriated to even comprehend what she was saying, let alone respond.
And so an uneasy truce developed. I bought her a drink - might as well. And then the bar closed around us, and it was time to go.
Time for a stroll down the Miracle Mile. Here I bumped into a girl who happens to be a favourite of Bob, from out of Bob and Terry. She was actually on the phone to Bob at the time. I know I definitely spoke to him. I have absolutely no idea what I said. Hello Bob!
But nothing really appealed. I was in the mood for something different. And then, by some strange fluke of fate, I saw something different. Very different.
I saw a black African woman with frizzy orange hair, who must have been forty if she was a day - quite possibly older.
Unfortunately she was already deep in conversation with an older gent. I pulled up a chair at the street bar, ordered a Coke (hey, even I know my limits), and waited. Penfold, lured by the rubbery goodness of Sunrise Tacos, did not. No matter.
Eventually, she was alone. I introduced myself with typical charm and verve, and was met with three words.
“Three thousand. Okay?”
“Er. No”.
And so that was that.
Nothing else particularly appealed, and so I hailed a cab to take me home to Bad Boy Towers.
In the taxi, a recent addition to the cellphone harem called. Could she come over? Sure. Why not.
She arrived at my place just after I did. Two rounds, and she even cleaned the bathroom. Which is not even a euphemism. Bargain.
On Saturday, she left mercifully early, and I lay in bed pretty much all day - groaning, aching, twitching and gingerly eating peanuts. The girl from Cowboy actually called, to see if I fanced popping in for a beer and a hello. I queasily declined. I’m never drinking again.
Well, I say never. I might pop down the Mango for a quick one later…
nb. This article was originally published at Werewolf’s Lair.
BBB, you ought to strongly consider (IMGO) reviving your own blog. OK, so don’t post to it as often as you did. Make it clear you’ve got a life (unlike me) and do it as you have time.
Even if you kept the schedule you have here, or slightly less, it would please a lot of people.
Also, thanks for again for last week’s column (and graciously allowing me to piggyback on it today on the Mango blog.)
View all comments by pattayaghost
Except for the free food (and, of course, my own absence) it sounds like every other night I’ve ever had out with you.
I, too, would have loved to have heard those stories — perhaps you can regale me this weekend in person on my return to civilization.
Nothing illustrates the difference between our blogging styles more.
BBB = quality
WW = quantity
I’ll miss your blogs, but it’ll be nice to be able to tip up a cold one again and hear your stories first hand.,, though I have to say that you’re nowhere near as fascinating in person!
“The Super Mango Brothers” — I like that. Sounds like a hell of a party.
View all comments by Werewolf
BTW, I checked the Stickman site to see what he had to say about the Big Mango Party. He had a very long writeup about the future of Pattaya and Mrs. Stick weighed in with three letters & answers that — between the writers and Mrs. Stick — were pretty odd, but amazingly no mention of the Big Mango party. Maybe the mango shots got to him as well.
View all comments by Werewolf
3000 for a 40YO black African woman with frizzy orange hair ??
She must have quoted the price in Zimbabwe Dollars..
3B: I have no dout that WW will agree if you wanted to post occasionally on his blog.
Will be great if you did !
WW: You don’t give yourself enough credit.
Your knowledge about human behaviour, world politics, religion, Thai customs and more is admirable and (at least for me) educational.
And your eye for the small detail, combined with the ability to convey it in a clear and logic way, is inspiring.
Have a safe trip back to Bkk.
View all comments by Manny
what’s an african woman with frizzy orange hair doing in cowboy??…eeurrgh. And why does she think she can charge more than the lovely locals with their (mostly) straight jet-black lemongrass-scented hair? Perhaps she can??
View all comments by swampthing
WW, the simple answer why Stickman neglected to mention the Big Mango may be that he doesn’t write the weekly column himself. The goss has it that he uses a ghost writer..??
View all comments by swampthing
@ WW — Maybe so. Column was 30 minutes late Sunday.
View all comments by pattayaghost
Give the lad a break… Not even The Big Mango’s own web site has anything up about their party!!
View all comments by MSB
faarking hell! $1425 SYD-BKK-SYD. I paid $977 a year ago, schoolholiday rush granted. I just checked after reading Stick’s column. MENE MENE TEKEL UPHARSIN, my friends (the writing is on the wall)
View all comments by swampthing
Swampthing try expedia.com.au
I want to stopover in BKK next month also flying from Sydney
View all comments by Inver
swampthing: Your knowledge of the Hebrew bible is impressive !
View all comments by Manny
Just adding my wheezy voice to the growing chorus of punters clamouring for the return of your own blog. Surely you can relegate the day job to its proper place (ie something to do when you’ve done everything else)?
View all comments by Pants Elk
Manny: Trust me, the offer was put to BBB to continue to contribute to this site but it was quickly and unambiguously rejected… I believe that his 6 week stint here at Werewolf’s Lair solidified what he was already thinking in terms of blogging. He made it clear to me that he has no interest in blogging here after Friday. In fact, he has already written (and I have read) his farewell post that will be up on Friday, in which is gracious about his 6 weeks here, but also explains where his head is at about the many calls for his return to the kokosphere.
However, I can say that I already had a peek at his Wednesday post, which is nearly complete, and it is a BBB classic! Check in Wednesday afternoon (BKK time) for a blog that re-defines the Bangkok Blog as we know it; it’s a fitting final story from the Nobleman of the Naughty Nightlife.
MSB: I wasn’t taking a shot at Stick, but he normally plugs the Mango boys as happily as I do (in fact it was a 2005 Stickman plug that got me in their bar the first time) so I figured his lack of mention was a sign that he was as likely to be under the influence as much as BBB and the Super Mango Brothers.
Manny: Thanks for the good wishes on the trip. Due to the timing of my commitments I ended up on 1-2-Go; it’ll be my first time flying with them. Apparently they’ve offset the rising fuel prices by eliminating all maintenance, so I may have been better off catching a bus or riding a bicycle back to Bangkok. Keep me in your prayers on Friday! :p
Inver: Give me a holler before you come to town if you get a chance
View all comments by Werewolf
ww yeah i did have a sharpner or two with him down the boy later on.
View all comments by msb
“I ended up on 1-2-Go; it’ll be my first time flying with them”
Hopefully not the last.
View all comments by Wenthworth
WW - Should BBB ever decide to return to blogging you may have inadvertently given him his next pseudonym “Nobleman of the Naughty Nightlife” - NNN - I like it already.
View all comments by doctorbond
3N?
View all comments by Werewolf
TAFKABBBBNKANNN?
Bugger that, I’d need a new keyboard.
Final flurry of filth incoming in about 6 hours time.
WW, 1-2-Go was the airline whose plane crashed into Phuket airport a while back. Get a taxi.
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy