It’s strange. Only a little over two years ago, I moved from the UK to Bangkok. I’d been here before, on vacation, but didn’t really know what I was doing.
I’d searched the web for information on the bars, and found little of relevance or use. So I figured that I’d start my own site, effectively writing a guidebook that I would have appreciated reading myself.
I initially just planned a site full of bar reviews, massage reviews, and that sort of thing. This idea went stale pretty quickly - the information was useful, but hardly a compelling read.
Instead, I soon discovered that writing about my adventures in the bar scene and beyond was much more enjoyable, and seemed to be more appreciated by the three of my mates who were actually reading the website. I kept writing the bar reviews, but only as background information for the tales themselves.
I never really thought anyone other than those three mates would read it though. I didn’t really think anyone else would be very interested.
I was wrong.
I’ve been boozing in the all-new Big Mango Bar quite a bit recently. Last time I was there, a complimentary copy of Sukhumvit Eye was on the bar. I figured I’d have a flick through while I was waiting to play pool. It’s quite a good read. I’m not sure who’s behind it, although on reading a story in its pages that I’d heard first-hand recently, I’m guessing a certain pal is involved somewhere along the line.
Anyway, amongst a collection of quotes entitled “Overheard in Bangkok”, I came across the following:
A word to the wise - Beach Road is long. Really, really long. If you took all of BigBabyKenny’s Reader’s Submissions, Peter Crouch, the extended versions of all three Lord of the Rings movies, Darth Maul’s lightsabre, the length of time it takes the staff at Gulliver’s to make me a sandwich, the snake from Indiana Jones 4, the whip from Indiana Jones 4, the amount by which Indiana Jones 4 stretches the concept of suspension of disbelief, an footlong ham sandwich from Subway, the sign from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch train station and my penis, and laid them all end to end, they still wouldn’t be as long as Beach Road. That’s how long it is. #
The byline was something along the lines of “Bangkok Bad Boy reflects on a long walk down Beach Road”. They’d changed “fucking sandwich” to “sandwich” (but left “penis” in), but by crikey, I wrote that!
I can’t really describe just how pants-churningly bizarre a feeling it is to be sat in your local, reading a magazine you’ve never read before and supping a pint, and suddenly reading something that you wrote yourself, that you had no idea would be in there. Even more bizarre, I suppose, is that I only wrote it because I’m filling in for Werewolf.
I used to be pleasantly surprised when someone commented on my old site. I figured they’d probably found it by accident. Then, gradually, came a small army of regulars. I was slightly flustered, but very pleased.
When it was finally time to say farewell, after a year and a half of rambling my way into your hearts, the cavalcade of well-wishers and mourners who commented on my goodbye was positively heart-warming.
There’s no funny punchline coming - I was just taken aback by another reminder how far our words can travel, just by typing them into these here boxes. Could that scenario ever have happened just ten years ago? Probably not. The web is publishing’s great leveller. Anyone can write anything (and they do). The cream tends to rise to the top, and I’m still frequently amazed that even a single visitor to Bangkok considers me amongst it.
Basically, I think I’m just saying thanks for reading!
Well, that and that the Sukhumvit Eye chaps owe me a royalty cheque… 
Speaking of Sukhumvit…
From Dave The Rave, this looks interesting:
This Saturday, Nana Plaza is permitted to stay open until the early hours of the morning. The reason stems from confusing police politics, so as per usual it’s too bloody complicated to explain. The most important thing is to take advantage of this rare opportunity. Rather than make this Friday your BIG party night, change your plans to this Saturday instead. As a suggestion, you could start in Soi Cowboy and finish your night in Nana Plaza. For those bars that can remain open, the closing time is 5:00am. In particular, Angelwitch Go-Go Bar will stay open as late as possible. It just depends if there are enough customers to warrant staying open until 5:00am. This has not been confirmed 100% but I will inform you if there are any changes. #
Dave also reports that the Big Mango Bar’s kitchen is now officially open, which it isn’t yet, and that their Grand Opening Party date has been announced, which it hasn’t yet, so take the above with a pinch of salt, but it certainly sounds interesting.
That said, if previous New Years and Christmases are anything to go by, the gogo bars won’t have much in the way of cute girls left by 5am (think two fatties and the cleaning lady)!
But, in a world of all-to-frequent early closings and “dry” weekends, this is certainly a welcome change from the norm.
An Apology
And speaking of Christmases (seamless links here, folks), I would like to offer an apology.
Six months ago this very day, I was due to attend Soi Cowboy’s Baccara bar, for a Christmas Day meet-and-greet with my mourning fans after the end of my eponymous website:
As promised, I’ll be in Baccara on Christmas Day, celebrating in time-honoured fashion. If you’d like to join the fun, there are a few rules to observe, courtesy of Maddox:
- Do not make direct eye contact with me.
- You must adhere to the following procedure when shaking my hand:
- Stand directly in front of me with both feet together.
- Extend your arm in front of you and wait for me to engage if I choose to do so.
- If I grant you a hand shake, you may hold my hand, pump once or twice, and then promptly let go. I will then wipe my hand with a moist towelette, and you will bow, step aside and quickly walk away.
- You must stand at least 3 feet (1 m) apart from me at all times.
- Do not talk directly to me. If you want to tell me something, write it down and hand it to an assistant.
- Formal attire is encouraged (suit + tie if possible).
Here’s what actually happened.
On Christmas Eve, I found myself in the Duke of Wellington Pub in Silom. Beer was consumed. Some bright spark decided that Sambuca would make a fine chaser.
Drink. Drink. Drink. Drink. Drink. Drink. Drink. Drink.
(wavy lines)
Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang.
I opened my eyes in a strange bed, in a strange room, with a strange girl lying next to me.
Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang.
Someone was banging on the door.
“Hello?”, I tried to say.
“Huuuuuuuurrrghhh”, I actually said.
“Twelve o’clock, you check out”, said a disembodied voice from the other side of a tatty door.
My mystery sleeping companion jumped up, and quickly started to dress.
I was already wearing one sock, which was a head start that I particularly appreciated in this state. I eventually found the other, and managed to dress.
I still had no idea where I was.
There was a window in the corner of the room. I pulled back the curtain, and peeped out.
I could see a litter-strewn street, and the sign for Safari bar. Which is in Patpong.
Evidently I’d fallen asleep in a short-time room. Or a long-time room, rather. I can report that The Madrid Suites, on Patpong 1, will let you stay all night for a fee.
I stumbled, squinting and wobbling, into the daylight. It hurt.
I staggered back to the Duke of Wellington for a large black coffee and a cry. The Thai staff were visibly smirking. In between serving Christmas lunches, the very sight of which was making my stomach turn, Pmmp and Smitty suggested that I go home. Probably because I was scaring the customers.
Anyway, by the time Baccara was opening for business, I was at home, in bed with half a pizza and a small bucket, whimpering softly.
To anyone who actually turned up: Sorry.
nb. This article was originally published at Werewolf’s Lair.
Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me……. oh, and a bit more about me….
View all comments by doctorbond
Et tu, Bonde?
Hmph.
The first bit was actually about you lot, and thanking you for reading, encouraging, and eventually delivering me into a situation where a real physical magazine that I could hold in my hands contained the essence of what this nonsense is all about. Which is writing nonsense that some people, remarkably, seem to enjoy. Guess I got gratitude and egotism the wrong way round again. That seems to happen a lot…
Second bit was about NEP, to be fair.
Third bit was about getting trolleyed, and seeing whether I did in fact stand anyone up. I’ve always been slightly worried about that possibility…
Can I go to the pub now?
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
I think the bad boy after two years of bangkock has become a good boy! after reading these post I see over time people get stuck in a routine. which excludes getting laid very often. in stede of a girl friend thay marry a routine of finding a way to surive!
View all comments by toddmorocco
Enjoy your pint
Which reminds me you may be amused from this snippet from home. A politician (Tory) recently opined that if Latin was to be taught more in schools then teenagers were less likely to go around stabbing each other. The Labour politician replied to this absurd proposition - “Et tu Brutus” - politics CAN be funny
View all comments by doctorbond
@todd: I’ll tell the girl currently showering in my bathroom that.
@doctorbond: “I could have been a judge, but I never had the Latin for the judgin’. I never had it, so I’d had it, as far as being a judge was concerned”… — Peter Cook
Politicians are funny, globally. We do seem to make particularly amusing ones though. Yay Boris.
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
Last trip I was in Patpong one night walking about when a group of rip-snorting drunk guys were bouncing around the street. New Zealanders if my accent sensor was reading correctly. After going in and out of a couple of places they were roped into one of the ladyboy joints. I don’t know for sure but it didn’t seem like they understood where they were going. I thought to myself, I’ve done some pretty stupid stuff while drunk but never ran a serious risk of winding up in bed with a guy. BKK is not a town for blackouts.
I still wonder if there was a little Kiwi Surprise the next day.
View all comments by tosh
You’re welcome.
Now, more hilarious bargirl stories, less self-aggrandizing drivel, please.
View all comments by gavinmac
Ouch.
Okay, clearly not my best work!
And just when I thought I was getting the hang of it again…
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
Tosh
It would have made a change from sheep.
BBB
When are we going to get a toilet review? Was your companion in the room Young Penfold?
View all comments by Wombat
Blogger: Good morning everybody
Reader: Never mind that, where’s the filth?
Blogger: Well I was going to talk about politics today..
Reader: Just gimmie c*nts and tits..
Blogger: Don’t you think it would be more rounded if I….
Reader: I said gimmie c*nts and tits
Blogger: Ok, well there was this girl..
Reader: Too late wanker, I’m off…
View all comments by doctorbond
Nice piece BBB…a really good read IMO.
View all comments by John Brown
Tosh: “BKK is not a town for blackouts.” So true. Should be written on big posters on the Subhanavurmi (I will never write this name correctly) Airport for all the newbie sex-tourists (=99% of all people leaving a plane there). Had a nightmare experience with a ladyboy once because of my one and only blackout ever in Thailand. Shame on me.
View all comments by Phoenix
@Wombat: Good point. I went to the toilet at the petrol station at the corner of Suk Soi 4 last night. It was cool. I’ll get working on a write-up straight away.
@doctorbond: That’s why I don’t write about politics. I pity Smitty (heh that rhymes) sometimes, he’ll post an essay on the latest corruption scandal and someone will respond precisely as you’ve just illustrated!
But I’ve never really written pornography either. The Laos piece was the closest I’ve come to actually writing about having sex this time round, and that was a piss-take. People seem to have this idea that I write about shagging. I don’t, really, unless it’s an excuse to use an amusingly convoluted euphemism. It’s mainly what happens in betwen the shags that gets my interest. Oh well.
@John Brown: ปากหวาน (bpaak waan ;))
@Phoenix: Bangkok is the city where your friends should be encouraged to have blackouts, so that you can mercilessly mock them forever for waking up with the Thai ladyboy version of Borat. As long as it doesn’t happen to you, it’s funny…
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
BBB - please tell us more about this ’strange girl’ you woke up next to?
I want ALL the details. I believe shes a mutual friend of ours - chai mai?
View all comments by Young Penfold
@Young Penfold
I hear that is was your girl that he woke up next too. I do hope that BBB does not catch anything from you, especially your gayness u fag dude
View all comments by smeghead
“Self-aggrandizing drivel” was overly harsh. I was just piling on. Mob mentality. The last half of the piece was actually good.
I’m still waiting for you to write about screwing a 50+ mamasan. Get to work on that. Anytime you post about anything else, I’m a little disappointed.
View all comments by gavinmac
Hahahahahaha thats a good one - If i caught anything Smeghead - it’d be the time i browndicked your mother for bus-fair on the roof of your dads tuk-tuk
View all comments by Young Penfold
why the animosity young penfold? I am mearly stating the facts sir
now i think it is time you went to bed, so you are not as cranky tomorrow.
lots of love.
Smeg
View all comments by smeghead
p.s did your mom take that picture before you raped her?
nice pants btw
View all comments by smeghead
p.p.s I have heard that you love a ladyboys browndick in your butt after going to Patpong. true storey
View all comments by smeghead
Not that I mean someone special (in fact I mean smeghead but that’s a secret): Anyone who has issues with gays or ladyboys should not come to Thailand. By saying this I will probably also be labeled a “fag”. Oh my, it can’t get any lower than this. YP, should we one day meet in the Big Mango I give you a hug and invite you for a beer, promise
View all comments by Phoenix
I’m not even here.
@gavinmac: I don’t have a 50+ mamasan story. I do have one that’s much, much worse. It’s last up, in case WW kicks me off the site for it. Think July 10-ish.
@YP, smeggers: I’m assuming you’re together. Carry on.
@Phoenix: True, to a point. Anyone with serious issues with gays is probably in them. Labels say more about the labeller than the labelled. Am not a fag either.
Big Mango Grand Opening party on July 4. Also, the spaghetti is marvellous. And that’s not a euphemism.
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
BBB,
Good to hear from you as I’ve enjoyed reading your expolits in the past. The kind of deparaved and down right ditry carry ons that can only happen in Thailand. Maybe a series on your top ten (or five)…filthiest and most ridiculous moments of genius with Bangkok’s sporting lasses.
Let’s start with the butt plugged granny on a speeding tuk tuk.
View all comments by kalonman
geez, it’s sukhumvit eye, not the bbc!
View all comments by hugh heffer
I should just warn you that, the more popular and loved you become, a veritable Bangkok institution, on a par with unisex urinals and a cockroach leg stuck in a ladyboy’s teeth, the more hatred will be nurtured, too. People out there with a grudge, their brains a seething pool of vitriol, whose only aim in life is to gun you down with a burst of automatic fire as you open the door wearing a bra draped over your head. People like me.
View all comments by Pants Elk
…or keith summers
View all comments by swampthing
Smeggers - if your gonna back back with an insult, at least make them original and witty. They’re not my pants BTW, they are your grandads. We were very CLOSE at one time
Anyway BBB, as per KALONMANS request, theres a certain filthy story you promised to share but havent yet?
View all comments by Young Penfold
@young penfold - i am sorry. please forgive me. i do not want to get bottled by you or your friend in the redwine coloured soccer shirt because of this argument.
View all comments by smeghead
Finding your words in the magazine just shows that good writing is always in short supply. The Pattaya piece was inspired. Getting you to fill in shows how clever Werewolf really is (although not clever enough to keep out of the boonies in the north of Thailand!)
View all comments by Professor
@kalonman: See above. My final contribution will, I suspect, make waves.
@Panties: I do not wish to be drenched by the “automatic fire” of your wizened single-barrelled custard gun. And anyone who says I do is lying.
@YP: Don’t spoil the surprise
@Professor: Ha, and the piece above shows that I’m hardly a guaranteed source of good writing! Werewolf is, I believe, mere minutes away from emptying his baby batter onto some Northern lovely. I hope she can swim.
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
You’re calling Young Penfold a liar, then. That’s fighting talk. I suggest the two of you slug it out on the pool table in the Guess Bar.
View all comments by Pants Elk
Werewolf is, I believe, mere minutes away from emptying his baby batter onto some Northern lovely. I hope she can swim.
I landed in Chiang Mai around 7:45. Checked into the hotel, grabbed a shower, met a friend from California, and the two of us headed out to see what the Chiang Mai nightlife had in store.
We looked around for a while, had a beer in a local, dinner at a nice outdoor restaurant, and then ended up in Foxy Lady Go Go. My buddy and I hooked up with two girls who appeared to be friends. Cali-boy grabbed the girl with braces and pig tails and bar fined her. I paid attention to the other one, who was a bit slimmer but also quite drunk.
My girl turned out to be irritating as shit. Because it was Chiang Rai and it was getting late I decided to buy her three drinks while I tried to convince myself that I’d enjoy fucking her, but the more time I spent with her the more irritating she became. I finally decided I wanted to kill her, so me, Cali boy and braces left together without irritating girl.
We went to Spotlight… the *other* go go bar in town. None of the dancers interested me but there was a tiny server there who looked half-starved and perhaps 38 kilos. I spent time with her, bought her some drinks and chatted, but at money time she said she didn’t want to ‘bai duay’ (go together).
Me, Cali-boy and braces walked back to the hotel together. We went seperate ways when we reached our floor. I told Cali-boy that when he was done with his girl, if she wasnted to earn some extra cash, to send her to me. He laughed, apparently thinking I was joking.
I’ve been in my room alone for an hour or so. Chiang Mai certainly ain’t Bangkok.
I’ve spent a lot of time in Chiang Rai and Chiang Mai in the past few weeks. Apparently northern girls aren’t my cup of tea… I see very few that I find attractive here. On the street and now in the go go bar, the talent is simply not to my taste. I even went to seven eleven and bought condoms & KY jelly tonight… no way I thought I would come home alone……
I’ve gone a month without sex, and I came back to the hotel alone tonight when I had girls grabbing my tackle and throwing themselves in my direction. I just couldn’t find a girl who interseted me.
It’s now past 4 a.m. At the moment, I’m thinking soapy in the merning.
Better luck tomorrow I hope.
View all comments by Werewolf
Hilariously, I am reading WW’s comment with a Chiang Mai girl wrapped around me.
She, too, is irritating, but I’m going to infiltrate her lady haven with the Staff of Justice anyway.
After hours is cool.
Best of luck, WW!
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
Hey Werewolf,
The problem now is that it’s low season for tourism, but yes, ‘Chiang Mai certainly ain’t Bangkok’. Viva la difference!
I’ve pulled lovely, fun northern girls from the Spotlight a few times. The last time was just after Songkhran. Turns out the girl is a Chiang Mai farmer (really), accounting for her toned body and flat abdomen, which I admired while she was go-going. She told me she comes to town for about 4 months during the tourist high season (which is the low season on the farm), and was about to go back to the farm when I met her.
Just around the corner on Loi Kroh Road, most of the bargirls are actually from Isaan rather than Lanna girls, so you might find something more to your liking there.
The Chiang Mai Massage Parlour, inside the Phucome Hotel complex (west of the university) had some nice sideline girls to choose from last time I was there.
Enjoy exploring Chiang Mai and good luck.
View all comments by Upcountry Man
Chiang Mai girls rock the shit. Only type of girls i seem to deal with nowadays.
I like girls that are taller then me - Not hard to find really
Wolf - ellaborate on the irrating bitch
Smeghead - Prick
View all comments by Young Penfold
Penfold - stop being evil to the newbie. Have you 2 been lovers b4 or something? I think you are in love
View all comments by wombat
One of the problems with posting comments is when some comedienne picks an argument using anothers nick. Tiresome.
View all comments by Wombat