Nobody likes visa runs. Quite why new visas can’t be purchased within Thailand is beyond me. But sooner or later, we all come to the end of our permitted stay in Thailand, and have to leave the country in order to reset the clock.
Occasionally I’ve been able to combine tedium with pleasure, or at least business, with a trip to somewhere vaguely interesting, but most of my experiences have been the all-too familiar experience of being cooped up in a minibus to the Cambodian border with a bunch of unsavoury characters.
There’s always at least one alcoholic, knocking back cans of Chang from 8am, a guy with scary tattoos, a German who blinks too much, a depressingly earnest English teacher from Surrey who works at a school so prestigious that they won’t give him a work permit, a Japanese dude who never speaks, not even once, and more recently more and more young Filipina English teachers, none of whom are ever attractive.
The Cambodian border run is fine if you’re on a multiple-entry visa, or are eligible for a 30-day visa exemption stamp, but if you need to purchase a new visa you need to visit a consulate/embassy outside Thailand. Vientiane seems to be one of the more popular destinations at the moment, and this is the setting of our tale.
Headphones Are Your Friend
I figured I may as well go on an organised visa-run trip, since I’d never been to Vientiane before. Next time, I’m flying. But I didn’t know that then.
Waiting to board the minibus in Bangkok, the usual suspects lined up. I overheard two of the guys who would be my travel companions for the next fifty-something hours making smalltalk. One of them introduced himself by saying “I’m not racist, but…”
Always a surefire icebreaker. I put my headphones on and pretended to be asleep. Quite a feat, especially standing up.
Ninety-seven years later, I arrived at the Nong Khai border with a flat iPod battery and a headache.
Welcome to Laos
Once all the ardous immigration hassle was done with, it was off for some lunch, and on to the hotel.
Everyone I’d spoken to prior to the trip had gushed about the wonderful baguettes available in Vientiane. I completely missed them, and went to bed.
Woke up at 6pm, ready for food, a little exploration, and a shag. Yes, a shag. Okay, so prostitution is illegal in Laos. Big deal. It’s illegal in Thailand, too.
Wikitravel says:
A “secret” Lao law says that foreigners cannot have sexual relations with Lao women other than their spouses. The penalty, if caught, is US$500 for first time, though as the text of the law is not available, may be much more (the US embassy says $5000); the foreigner may be jailed or deported and the Lao woman may find herself in jail - and that is really the last place anyone would want to be here.
And of course, the Lonely Planeteers will tell you that prostitution doesn’t even exist in Laos. They have also been known to wear tie-dye and braid their hair. They’re incontrovertibly wrong. All I had to do was find it, and avoid being thrown in jail.
Scounting for Girls
My first stop was a fairly central pub not far from Patuxay - Vientiane’s answer to l’Arc de Triomphe, pictured above. There were a few girls playing pool, but they didn’t seem too interested. I got chatting to an American expat who was slowly killing his brain with beer, and managed to scoop a few handy hints.
Seems that most of the freelancer action occurs in the discos, but that these don’t really get going until late-night. The hotel staff had cheerfully informed me that they’d be locking the doors at midnight, so this wasn’t much of an option. Neither was taking girls back to the hotel, as I understood it.
Still, everyone likes a challenge.
A few 40 baht Beer Laos (that’s the larger, 660ml size) later, I’d narrowed down my choices. Either hang around at the currently-empty freelancer discos hoping for a few girls to decide to turn up early, or head down to a more conventional beer bar, where America’s own George Best informed me that there were rooms on-site.
I didn’t really feel like getting down and boogying on my own, nor finding suitable short-time accomodation if freelancers did turn up early, so I found a tuk-tuk to take me to the nameless beer bar. My sozzled sage barked the address to the driver in Lao, and we were soon on our way.
The Bright Lights
The bar itself seemed to have no name, had no sign up, and was… minimalistically clad, to be polite. Bare concrete walls and floor, with a few threadbare couches dotted around a single room. The girls looked surprised to see me, but welcomed me inside nonetheless.
Conversation was tricky, since most of the girls only spoke Lao, aside from a few who spoke Thai. None seemed to speak English.
The beer flowed, and I met a nice young lady whose name sadly escapes me, but to whom I shall refer as Fanny Cradock, because it’s a funny name. Slim, early 20s, pretty and flirty. My type.
“I like you, let’s shag”, I said to her, only in Thai, but with what I considered to be a winning smile.
She acquiesced.
Welcome To The Hotel Chlamydia
It transpired that the short-time rooms were in fact off the premises. In order to take my young lady into one, I would have to pay an all-in-one fee to the bar manager. This covered the barfine, the room and the shag. The cost? 1,000 baht. Fanny got half of it, the bar kept the rest.
And so off we trotted down the road. And around the corner. And down a windy lane. And through some mud. And eventually to a seedy little complex of dreary cabins, long since split into small but cozy, if a little tired, love nests. It reminded me of Butlins, but eerier.
With a nod to the staff at the outdoor bar that seemed to double as a reception desk, a crooked old lady appeared with some keys, and we were led to our bedraggled boudoir.
The room was simple enough, with an “en-suite” squat toilet/shower combination cupboard in the far corner, a large weary-looking double bed, and a couple of complimentary bottles of water. A single red lightbulb hung glumly and unshaded from imaginary gallows in the ceiling.
Blatant Pornography
Fanny disrobed and took to the shower. I shed my all-in-one nylon travelsuit and swiftly joined her.
A lengthy lathering later, we were on the bed and all nudey, like.
Her hairy haven glistened in the dim red light, like a badly packed kebab under a sunlamp.
I grasped The Staff Of Justice firmly between my outstretched palms, gently but insistently entering her cosy conduit.
She moaned and writhed under me, so I suggested perhaps she’d be more comfortable (and less likely to suffocate) if she went on top.
This arrangement seemed to work much better, and as she gyrated her electric hips on the rodeo bull of my loins, the inevitable inevitably approached, as it inevitably does. That’s why they call it inevitable.
With a glint in my eye, and England on my mind, I bucked Fanny off and onto her back, and in one fluid movement twanged the condom off my winkie and over my shoulder, before liberally barraging her bazongas with baby gravy.
I lay back, spent but satisfied as she grumpily scrubbed my love juice off her chest puppies, the moment only slightly spoiled by the condom bursting into flames from where it had landed on the lightbulb.
Aftermath
Fanny and I returned to the bar to drink more Beer Lao, exchange sweet nothings, and generally enjoy ourselves. The booze flowed until the lights went up some time after 2am, and I groggily staggered to a tuk-tuk, and back to the hotel.
Eagle-eyed readers will have noticed that the hotel door was to be locked at midnight. So I was delighted to see that the hotel staff had waited up for me when I finally wobbled my way to the front door at around 3am. The hotel staff seemed less impressed, but I expect they were all just on their period or something. Particularly the men.
As I said, the bar seemed to have no name, and I certainly didn’t catch the address. Can’t remember Fanny’s real name either.
That said, I can firmly recommend going to wherever it was that I went, and shagging whomever it was that I shagged.
nb. This article was originally published at Werewolf’s Lair.
None of your mates told you that the organized trips to Vientiane are a waste of time/money? What kind of people do you hang out with? Ha ha…
Vientiane is a great destination for visa runs. I enjoy the vibe there.
And yes: definitely more and more freelancer action available.
View all comments by usure
A newbie visa question if I might: I’ve been trying to figure this out- it’s possible to stay on a 90-day visa and then simply leave the country and buy a new one? Or is this something else?
Very much enjoying the pieces by the way, great stuff so far.
View all comments by X-tian
usure: Should have asked you, I guess
I just wanted to have someone there who knew where we were going with regards to border crossings, embassies, hotels, etc. Looking back, you’re right - it wasn’t really necessary, but I figured I’d play it safe. Next time I’ll make my own way there, and probably shell out the extra to fly.
X-tian: Yes, that’s perfectly possible. You have to buy the new visa at an Embassy or Consulate though, you can’t just run to the border as you do when activating a new entry or getting another 30-day extension stamp. There’s an Embassy in Vientiane, amongst several other places.
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
that was to funny one time I went with two girls from a nite club to there apartment shaged them went to my truck to get something and could not remember which apartment I came out of all the doors look the same. i tried knocking but no good! I did not have there number and never saw eatheer one of them again. had to go home with no shirt underware are anything but pants and shoes no socks.
View all comments by toddmorocco
Maybe off topic, but i made a very short visit to Lao, from a friend whose parents live nj Udon Tani.We decided to make a flash visit to Lao (sunday afternoon).
For that we were taken to the Friendship bridge by a van driven by my friend’s brother, with quite some family in the back. As a matter of fact they had never been in Lao, but had a relative living in Vientiane, whom we paid a short visit, as we did to the other sights in Vientiane.
Entering Vientiane meant having to pay a visa for Lao (35 $, about 1500 Bth, euro = $). My Thai visa was taken at the border. about half a day later we had to apply again for a new Thai visa at the same border. As we were with friends and as we had a hotel in Udon it was not necessary to look for a shabby hotel a/o id bar. (lol).
I think this is a far more convenient way to renew a Thai visa then go in a bus all the way from BKK. Flight BKK Udon is about 3500 Bth return. Add about 1300 Bth for a hotel and renting a car in Lao. By this way it was also possible to get a good look on Vientiane, indeed we climbed the Patuxay and had a good view of the the broad empty alleys. Once more this may seem a little out of topic (no Lao shagging), but probabably has to do with the advanced age (lol) of course accomanied by nice friends.
Next time I intend to go farther, Luang Prabang prob.
See here a simple photoreport, with the accent on culture in the most broad sense.
http://joopschilp.myjalbum.net/Thailand-may-2008-PART1/May%204%20sunday/index.html
Maybe this might interest Werewolf (if he finds time to read), we went again to Tawandang German Brewery in BKK, (even visited one in CM)
Here’s a photoreport on the BKK Tawandang :
http://joopschilp.myjalbum.net/Thailand%20may%202008%20part2/14th%20may%20wednesday/Tawandang/index.html
November will be our 4th visit to Thailand, we will now go further south, but prob. also Lao.
To conclude, my compliments for the very hilarious posting!
View all comments by joopschilp
BBB I think there’s a story behind your all-in-one nylon travel suit. Care to tell us more? It brings to mind scary images of the leisure suits from the ’70’s. Please prove me wrong.
View all comments by Inver
I can not believe that an old hand like you would get sucked into a van ride to Laos, Hell, there’s the overnight train, leave at 6 or is it 8 at night arrive around the same time in the morning after a night of sleep, rested and ready to go. It’s also dirt cheap!
View all comments by The man
A nylon travel suit?? Tell me it’s sporting a black stripe down the side and you’ve got an afro!
View all comments by swampthing
….. the inevitable inevitably approached, as it inevitably does. That’s why they call it inevitable….
This is the sort of stuff that just curls me up and is why the blogosphere (sorry kokosphere) needs to read BBB to stay sane
View all comments by doctorbond
Ah, the nylon travel suit. Can’t reveal its secrets, I’m afraid, apart from to say that it’s the source of my powers.
@db: Not sure about sanity, but it’s nice to be appreciated - cheers!
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
dear werewolf I am planing a vacacation in bangkok. for one month when I arrive I would like to get my teeth fixed I need about six teeth and two fillings and a bridge which here in the usa that is about ten thousand dollars. my qustion is do you know and a good expate dentiest and do you think it will be possable to get in quickly and get my teath fixed and then traval more.
View all comments by toddmorocco
I did the visa run to Laos about 7 years ago and ever since wanted to return. Spent the last 6 years in Korea and the whole time wishing to go back to the South. Good reads keep it up!!
View all comments by James
“the moment only slightly spoiled by the condom bursting into flames from where it had landed on the lightbulb.”
That’s good comedy.
View all comments by gavinmac
toddmorocco: Werewolf is out of town at the moment.
I’m sure Manny could tell bestow us with his wisdom and tell us how many days, hours and seconds before his return to BKK.
I’ll think you’ll have no problem finding a good dentist but I don’t live there like you only spent a month in the LOS.
View all comments by Inver
@ Toddmoroco (with the fat pig wife)
I don’t know about expat dentists… however I have been using this dentist for years - she’s good
Healthy Smiles Dental Clinic
3rd Floor, Silom Complex, Silom Road
(It’s in the Silom Complex Shopping Centre access directly from Sala Deang BT station)
Phone: 0 2231 3200
View all comments by doctorbond
WW is due back in Bangkok on July 13th.
View all comments by Manny
werewolf has just returned to Chiang Mai city after two greuling days of trekking in the mountains of Chiang Mai province — an experience that has reminded me that I’m closer to the end of my life than the beginning, and that at my age I shouldn’t be clambering up and down mountains on muddy 9-inch-wide footpaths. Even a Thai massage upon return to civilization wasn’t enough to ease the aches I developed during my short mountain escapade. You’ll get a full report, complete with photos of the mountain beauty when I return mid-July.
I had another reader ask about major dental work (in fact much more extensive than you described). I showed his email to a dentist I know here, and because his work was so involved, she recommended the dental clinics at Bumrumgrad or Bangkok Hospitals. He’s currently in Bangkok. I thought he came to get his teeth done, but each time I talk to him he sounds like he’s filling the cavities of Sukhumvit freelancers instead of looking after his own dental needs.
I myself have almost perfect teeth. I had a dental checkup about 3 weeks ago — my first in three years. The dentist (same one mentioned in the previous paragraph) laughed and said that my teeth had no problems and didn’t even require a cleaning. She found it hard to believe I’d gone 36 months between checkups.
So, I’d say that the recommendation from docbond above is as good as anything I’d have to say on the subject.
BBB’s writing remains stellar, as always.
I have two more days to explore the streets of Chiang Mai (but not it’s women… sadly I have a female companion from Bangkok here with me until Tuesday) before I go back to work and relative isolation in rural Thailand on Wednesday.
Cheers!
WW
View all comments by Werewolf
I can vouch for the Bumrumgrad Hospital it mainly caters for foreigners and the facilities are second to none. I spent had a day there getting checkup and the facilities are better than any public hospital that I’ve seen in Australia. So I can imagine the dental apartment would be very good also.
BBB: Sorry for getting so off topic
Manny: I knew we could count on you
View all comments by Inver
Bah too many errors dont post when waking up without proofreading
Wish I could edit. apartment = department
View all comments by Inver
Just when I couldn’t wait to say how much I loved:
Her hairy haven glistened in the dim red light, like a badly packed kebab under a sunlamp.
I then read toddmorocco’s post about being so trashed he couldn’t find the apartment he just left, yet was able to drive home, and to top it off then he posts about the dental work.
I’m rolling, I’ll have to raise a shot to this one, HBO please bring back Deadwood, long live Al Swearengen!
View all comments by bkkris
I haven’t had a dental checkup in over 20 years. My teeth seem fine.
WW, when you show us pictures of your mountain beauty can you please give us her name this time?
And why the fuck did you take a Bangkok girl to Chiang Mai with you? It’s not the other side of the moon, mate. Trust me, you’ll score just as easily there as you did in bkk.
View all comments by swampthing
swampthing: the BKK girl is an old friend. Her birthday is next week and she was disappointed to learn I wouldn’t be in BKK to celebrate with her, so she asked me to bring her to CM as a birthday present, which I agreed to do. I’ll explore the beauties of Chiang Mai on my next visit.
View all comments by Werewolf
The Bangkok Nursing Home on Convent Road,near Sala Daeng,has an outstanding dental department.
View all comments by Richard R
Let’s move away from teeth now, yeah. Heere’s a bright monday morning story to cher you all up:
A thai ladyfriend of mine just found some damning pics on her long-term boyfriend’s pc (let’s call it married). She recognised the curtains and wallpaper as belonging to their bangkok hotel room which they shared before she left him behind to visit her folks in the bush. But she didn’t recognise the girl in the white towel sitting on the side of the bed. He claims he was “just taking photographs”. He is so gone.
View all comments by swampthing
“Early twenties,” huh? Hmmmm …
I think this piece is better than anything I’ve ever written, and that includes the Da Vinci Code.
View all comments by Pants Elk
Can’t help on the dentistry front - I am British, after all.
Good to hear from WW
@swampthing: That boyfriend is doomed.
@Panties: I love your work.
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy