During a conversation with a friend recently, he referred to a Thai girl whom he sees on a regular basis during his trips here as his “girlfriend”.
Said friend spends a lot of time travelling for work, and is lucky if he manages to get one week a month here in Bangkok, but he keeps in touch with his girl while he’s away and she often stays with him while he’s here.
So she’s a girlfriend in that they see each other frequently, go out for dinners, sleep together and generally enjoy each other’s company.
Sometimes.
Low Definition
The rest of the time, he’s with someone else. Or visiting Lolita’s, or Tulip, or a soapie, or doing the gogo thing, or sweeping up crumbs on the Miracle Mile.
It says a lot about life in Bangkok that I didn’t even pick up on the alternative use of the word “girlfriend” until well after he’d said it.
I came up with the following definition:
Girlfriend (n): a girl to whom one is specifically unfaithful.
This paints a picture of a city full of scheming, dishonest farang boyfriends and husbands, playing away behind the backs of their girlfriends and wives. It doesn’t exactly flatter us. But neither is it entirely true.
I have another friend who’s been living with his Thai girlfriend for the best part of a decade. She’s a former bargirl, but long retired from the chrome pole shuffle.
He hasn’t married her (he’s not stupid), but they live together pretty much as man and wife. Except for the infidelity. Her attitude is “don’t ask, don’t tell”, he behaves discreetly - saving it for the nights he goes out with the boys, and I personally suspect that it’s perhaps one of the reasons they’ve managed to stay together for so long.
I myself was seeing a “hostess” who works on Soi Cowboy recently - she claimed not to go with customers. Is it true? Probably not. Do I care? Not really.
But she herself described our relationship as “boyfriend” and “girlfriend”, whilst telling me that it was okay if I barfined girls from Nana or Patpong, but that she’d appreciate it if I tried to avoid being spotted on Cowboy, as it would embarass her if her friends saw me.
The Divide
Of course, we’re only talking about bargirls. I don’t think an accountant, a secretary or a lawyer would see things in quite the same light, but with Thai men’s well-known predeliction for a mia noi or three, perhaps they would.
I’m sure that there are faithful farang husbands living in Bangkok. At least, I’ve heard they exist. Werewolf knows one himself, according to this post. I’d imagine that every single one of them is married to a girl who’s never worked a pole.
The divide is marked by the neon of the gogo runs, of the massage parlours, of the discos and freelancer hangouts. Of lower Sukhumvit Road after sunset.
Given that most single male visitors to Thailand inevitably gravitate towards the bar scene, I’d guess that the majority of expats and frequent visitors have indulged. The knowledge that it’s out there, so available, so affordable, so easy and so much fun, makes the very idea of faithfulness almost untenable in most minds.
Even if you vow to stay away from the seedier side of town, what do you do when almost every social occasion is located squarely and firmly in this quarter?
For most of my friends here in Bangkok, “going for a beer” is synonymous with hitting the gogos, or at least the beer bars. Gullivers, at a push. Even if you start in a regular pub, you’re almost always going to inevitably move onto its progressively seedier environs.
To avoid temptation, you’d have to completely ostracise yourself from your friends, and definitely change your phone number. Mates or girlfriend? Not a choice most of us are entirely comfortable with.
For those who have designs on using the word “girlfriend” in its traditional sense, our options seem to be either exercising levels of self-control that would test the patience of even a customer waiting for a sandwich at Gulliver’s, abandoning our friendships, or returning to the West.
I don’t count myself amongst them - the very idea of marriage - or even monogamy - sends a shiver down my spine. But is life amidst the neon and the naked spoiling us to the extent that we’ll never be able to comfortably settle down?
If so, is this a bad thing?
nb. Pre-empting the comments - yes, I know it wasn’t funny. It wasn’t supposed to be (although the definition raised a chuckle). I seem to be remembered most fondly for my funny pieces, but I reserve the right to occasionally make a (vaguely) thoughtful post, as I did on my old site. Don’t worry, it won’t happen too often. I like the funny ones too.
nb. This article was originally published at Werewolf’s Lair.
I don’t think an accountant, a secretary or a lawyer would see things in quite the same light, but with Thai men’s well-known predeliction for a mia noi or three, perhaps they would.
I can’t say it’s anywhere near a solid majority but I have run into a few girls who have told me flat out that they would not have a problem if their farang boyfriend sampled a bit. They always through in a couple of caveats though: He must take care of his family first, no friends or family, she better not hear about it, and no falling in love.
Wheneveer I’ve asked why they would be so open to this their answer is more or less that they’ve resigned to the fact that there’s so much temptation that they would rather the guy go have a night or two out every so often with some rules than to go behind her back with no rules.
Now, some of the girls who have told me this have been gals hoping to obtain girlfriend status so they might be doing the old bait and switch
View all comments by Billy Bangkok
In Bangkok, one man’s girlfriend is another man’s girlfriend, is another…, etc., etc.
View all comments by fontok69
fontok - yeah, Nok and Ning are scoring where Woodstock failed!
View all comments by mart
“[is it] spoiling us to the extent that we’ll never be able to comfortably settle down” - Undoubtably yes and it does worry me a bit. The ‘me who had never visited Bangkok’ might well have been very pleased with some of the (farang) girlfriends I have had over the last few years - but even when I ‘flew in my own girl’ as Daywalker so wrily pointed out on the FS2M site, I was thinking ahead to my bonk quotient after she had departed. Ergo, I am already a lost cause.
View all comments by doctorbond
My favourite saying is: “In Bangkok you never lose your girlfriend; just your place in the queue.”
View all comments by swampthing
I think if you loved a girl enough you would not even think of another woman. you would be satafied with her. by the way my wife is a fat pig. I would love to find another one
View all comments by toddmorocco
“Girlfriend (n): a girl to whom one is specifically unfaithful.”
That did make me chuckle. Thanks for the thought provoking piece BBB.
View all comments by Inver
Toddmorocco, that’s about as damning an endictment as I’ve ever heard! You poor muppet…
View all comments by swampthing
Thought I’d check in again. I have several days free from any work commitments and just stepped off the bus in Chiang Mai. First stop was the internet cafe to reconnect to the world after 5 days in the jungle. Only 21 messages in the email in-box, so not many people are missing me. It’s my first time in Chiang Mai… all I’ve seen so far is the bus station, but in this area at least, it doesn’t look like the teeming metropolis I was told to expect. I don’t see any meter taxis in sight, so it’ll probably be a tuk tuk or sawng teaow for my effort to find my way to the hotel.
I have a three day holiday planned — trekking, white water rafting, elephant riding and sleeping with the hill tribes are on the agenda. I’ve only tasted beer twice in two weeks and haven’t come close to having sex since leaving Bangkok behind. I’m losing weight and the black circles under my eyes — which I thought were permanent — seem to be fading.
I share Inver’s amusement at the definition of ‘girlfriend’ proffered by 3B.
Cheers!
WW
View all comments by Werewolf
Hi WW, good to hear from you.
I applaud your ambition to sleep with the hill tribes, although I’m not sure 3 days is long enough for all of them.
Insanely busy here, should get a new piece up tonight though.
Cheers!
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
Nice piece. I think your observations are pretty spot on, but I do think you could have explored the difference between P4P and a “girlfriend” - not in terms of cost, that’s all been well debated and documented, but in terms of “why” - and in answering the “why” I think you’ll find that the Divide that you mention doesn’t exist. We’re all human no matter our occupations and when our chemistries mix, match and spurt forth that can happen at any level.
being married, I don’t have a girlfriend but your definition still works
I might however change specifically to exclusively…
View all comments by psi100
Nice post. Thoughtfull, I like.
I got a friend in Bangkok, under 30 years old. Married to a woman who for all that I know has never visited Soy Cowboy or knows what does NEP mean to most westerners in town.
All that I know this guy is most faithfull to her, we have spent some time for beers in Cowboy, when I asked him to spend little time with me but he duly went home before midnight.
I think that is great. I do not see anything bad with that. And yep, he indulged himself with girl entertainment sometimes while he was between girlfriends. And I think, he is great guy and has done nothing wrong. He has not cheated any of the women and that is something I say is totally great thing and no one has right to sneer upon.
Cheers and thanks for this blog.
View all comments by kv
BBB - Yes, a girl friend, loved this piece!
I’m done too, I’ve gone beyond the point of no return, my tude is like Thai dudes, just don’t throw it in their face, they know, just keep them and their family #1 with the funds, dogflye wll live on forever!
View all comments by bkkris
I can’t even be faithful back home, let alone in Bangkok.
View all comments by hanuman