Yeah, Pattaya is a total fucking shit-hole. A napalm attack would do the whole world a lot of favours. 100% of male Pattaya visitors are total scumbags. And everyone who dies there deserves it. And everyone who doesn’t die there should. A friend of mine, in a UK prison (for eight more years, poor guy) tells me that Pattaya is pretty much the only thing the prisoners talk about. Bring on the napalm.
So sayeth Morally Diminished.
So quoteth me, on a number of occasions. I had visited Pattaya a couple of years ago, hated it, and intended never to return.
The Thais in Pattaya aren’t all that bad, but way too many of the farangs you meet there seemed to be the kind of scary characters whom it’s all too easy to imagine aren’t happy unless they’re putting the “sensual” back into “non-consensual”…
But I had a couple of friends in town recently, who wanted to make their own minds up. Reluntantly, I agreed to accompany them. I shall refer to them as Terry and Bob, as in The Likely Lads, from off of the telly. Because they’re Northern and funny, just like me.
What? Eh? Oh. Okay then, just Northern.
Taxi!
Catching a bus from Ekkamai station is the most affordable route to Sodom-and-Gomorrah-on-sea, but if you’re travelling with friends you may as well split a taxi. We hailed a shiny pink cab in lower Sukhumvit and agreed on 1200 baht to Beach Road. I’m pretty sure that was inclusive of the tolls, but I could be mistaken.
A little under two hours later, we were checking into the Ma Maison hotel on Soi 13, as recommended by Smitty from the Big Mango Bar. A simple enough hotel - cheap, not too far from the action, Heineken in the fridge, and ceiling-mounted mirrors in the rooms. What more could a man ask for?
Wrong Turn
Well, girls, obviously. And after reading On Nutter’s article on Soi 6 at the Mango blog, I figured that Soi 6 would be a pretty good place to start. So I led Terry and Bob on a short stroll down Beach Road to find out. I hadn’t been to Soi 6 before, but I figured 6 couldn’t be far from 13. Right?
A word to the wise - Beach Road is long. Really, really long. If you took all of BigBabyKenny’s Reader’s Submissions, Peter Crouch, the extended versions of all three Lord of the Rings movies, Darth Maul’s lightsabre, the length of time it takes the staff at Gulliver’s to make me a fucking sandwich, the snake from Indiana Jones 4, the whip from Indiana Jones 4, the amount by which Indiana Jones 4 stretches the concept of suspension of disbelief, an footlong ham sandwich from Subway, the sign from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch train station and my penis, and laid them all end to end, they still wouldn’t be as long as Beach Road. That’s how long it is.
So, predictably, it took quite a long time to walk to Soi 6, and our irritation at the obscenely long walk was only exacerbated when it became apparent that the action here is to be found rather earlier in the day than when we hit it. At 8pm or so, the girls seemed to be quite literally shagged out - I’ve seen more excitement on a visa run (but more on that next week).
We walked all the way up Soi 6 virtually ignored, then swiftly back down Soi 6/1 to hop on a sonthaew back up to Walking Street. Somehow we managed only to get assaulted by one topless ladyboy en route. “Underwhelming”, said I.
“Eughhh, it’s a bloke with knockers”, said Bob. Bob hadn’t been to Thailand before. Bless.
The Gogos
Back in civilisation, or at least what passes for it in Pattaya, we grabbed a beer and a cheeseburger at one of the nameless beer bars on Walking Street to replenish our strength, then hit Peppermint a Gogo.
Not a bad lineup, but not all that spectacular either. Beers are cheaper than in Bangkok, but then so are the customers. We weren’t underwhelmed, but then neither were we overwhelmed. In fact, it’s probably fair to say that we were whelmed.
And so from Peppermint to Happy, on Soi Happy (apparently), where I fell in love. Alongside the shuffling bikini-clad gogo girls were a couple of hotpant-be-buttocked dancers who actually danced. One of them had pink hair, and I knew then that we were destined to be together, forever.
She was my muse, my love, my everything.
As swirly lines encompassed my field of vision, I had a vision in soft-focus of our future together, and watched us running in slow motion along a deserted beach with our improbably-photogenic children, splashing in the morning tide as the manservants brought our breakfast down to the edible beach house from the golden château, with its phallic turrets and moat of Beer Lao.
Sadly, as I snapped back to reality, she was too busy shaking her bottom at a Japanese man to even make eye contact with me, so a couple of beers later I gave up and led our merry troupe down the road to Soi 15, and What’s Up.
Bang Bang Ouch
This place was a little more interactive, with a series of stages dotted around the bar - one featured a hot tub full of bikini-clad girls, another was a platform upon which girls twirled around the poles with grace and beauty. But there weren’t any free seats near those stages.
The free seats were next to the whipping stage, on which two giggling girlies were punishing each other with one of those foam whips that make far more noise than necessary, without actually, you know, drawing blood or anything. Boring. I took my seat, and immediately received a thwack around the shoulder blades.
“Ha. Nice one. Thanks. Yeah.”
Thwack!
“Yes, very good.”
Thwack!
“Okay, I think you’re beginning to labour the point somewhat.”
Thwack!
“Right, that’s enough now.”
Thwack!
“Seriously, fuck off.”
Thwack!
“Check bin.”
X-Zone
And so we continued our quest for a decent gogo where the girls would neither ignore us nor physically attack us, and came across a place pmmp had mentioned called X-Zone, upstairs at Covent Garden, on Soi 16.
And here the fun began. We made our way over to the corner where two naked girls sat on a stage with a bucket of soapy water and a couple of sponges. For the price of a couple of lady-drinks, we were encouraged to join in the bathtime fun. This was more like it.
The booze and suds flowed, and I can confirm that there’s nothing better than two slippery lesbians. Before long, one of our effusive entertainers decided that Terry’s beer bottle was insufficiently clean, and so wedged it right up her soapy lady-hole for a rinse. A genuine Pattaya moment, I thought.
Behind the stage was a two-way mirror - one wall of a short-time room into which Bob swiftly took one of the sapphic soapers for a spot of sexual intercourse. Which was nice.
Terry and I moved across to another stage, where a lesbian show was in progress. The show featured an assortment of vibrators, and customer interaction was positively encouraged.
So as Terry was drinking his soapy suds, and Bob was sowing his wild oats in the back room behind the mirror, I was vibrating a naked show-lesbian with one hand, and trying to simultaneously drink and smoke with the other. An under-rated skill.
Girlfriend Experience
I became aware of an American gentlemen sitting slightly too close to me. He was an older chap, and a little the worse for wear. He sidled closer to me, and whispered in my ear:
“That’s my girlfriend.”
I looked at the writhing naked girl in front of me, whose clitoris I had been absent-mindedly teasing.
“Is she?”
“Oh yes - she loves doing the shows, which is fine, I know she’d never cheat on me.”
“Right. What?”
“She wouldn’t let another guy near her.”
Wordlessly, I removed the vibrator from the young lady, passed it to my new friend (handle first - manners maketh man), and moved on.
Jacuzzi Jezebels
Reunited with a soapy-fresh-breathed Terry and a weary Bob, time was ticking on, and I was feeling the barfine urge. So was Terry, who belatedly realised that his funds were running a little low. A motorcycle ride back to the hotel was in order, to collect more shiny coins. I walked him out to find a ride, and for some reason there was only one motorcycle driver available. This should have set alarm bells ringing, but unfortunately did not.
Terry was back with us about three minutes later, physically shaking. It turned out that the other motorcycle drivers were not present because they had passed out from excessive alcohol consumption, in some kind of last-man-standing drinking game.
The one driver remaining was indeed the last man, and Terry’s 90mph ride to the hotel and back had consisted of dodging oncoming traffic, hopping up kerbs, narrowly avoiding slaughtering innocent (or quite possibly guilty - this was Pattaya after all) pedestrians, and had loosened my pal’s bowels accordingly.
Figuratively speaking, of course. There’ll be no tales of errant poo on this website. Well, not yet.
Anyway, we made our way into Club Boesche, which I have no idea how to pronounce, and sat back by the jacuzzi. Jacuzzis are good, and Bangkok gogos should have them. Please. Thanks.
A stiff drink was required, and a delightful waitress with a day-glo tongue piercing was happy to oblige us. So we sat watching a couple of bikini-clad babes squirming for our enjoyment in the jacuzzi, and declared life to be good.
Around this time, I spotted a blonde hostess sat across from us, and found her to be Worthy Of Receiving The Staff Of Justice. I beckoned her over, bought her a small glass of flat cola, and asked if she’d like to watch my hairy arse going up and down in the ceiling mirror in my hotel room.
Naturally, this proposition delighted her, and negotiations began immediately - and swiftly hit a brick wall. I wanted her to stay until morning. She was only interested in short-time. C’est la vie.
Bob was by now infatuated by the day-glo tongue piercing, and by extension the waitress to whom it was attached. Terry and I were in hunting mode, but business was drawing to a close - and the pickings were slim.
As the lights went up, we paid our bar bill and I decided a brace of Beach Road Specials were in order. Terry agreed, but Bob was taking Miss Day-Glo to a disco. No matter.
The Other Miracle Mile
Terry and I ploughed our way through the madding crowd of Walking Street, stopping regularly to dissuade the various unearthly hookers who tirelessly tried to tempt us into tickling their tired twats with our tenacious todgers. Progress was slow, as I tried every conceivable combination of English, Thai and Ancient Greek to explain that we really were only interested in attractive human females.
Finally, I stumbled upon a phrase that had the desired effect, and rattled it off at all and sundry who approached us. Our path cleared, we reached the beach and began to peruse the talent, or lack thereof.
Terry was impressed with my linguistics, although less so when I reluctantly admitted that I’d had to tell half of the unattractive female population of Pattaya that he was my gay lover in Thai in order to get rid of them.
First up, we ran into a couple of surprisingly cute white girls sat on a bench. Russian hookers, perhaps? Or European tourists? Worth a try.
“Hi”, I beamed.
They scowled, stood, and fled. Bloody lesbians.
Eventually, amidst a sea of ladyboys, I found a couple of genuinely female cuties, either of whom would be happy to receive 500 baht for sitting on my knob. Who to choose? Why both, of course.
The Verdict
Pattaya is the sex capital of the world for a reason. There is a practically unlimited number of women available for sex, usually for less than you’d pay in Bangkok (gogo “superstars” excepted). Some of them even have two legs, two arms, and can point both eyes in the same direction.
Unfortunately, this does attract the kind of Westerners who I don’t really like bumping into, and I stand by that. It’s not a moral judgement thing - a whoremonger in Bangkok is no better than one in Pattaya - it’s that I’ve only ever seen one fight in a Bangkok bar in over two years (and that was on Khao San Road). Whereas it seems to be a nightly occurrence in Pattaya, along with the muggings, rapes, drugs and other unpleasantness.
There are hundreds, nay thousands of beer bars and gogo bars in Pattaya, and - as in Bangkok - most of them are depressingly dull. The best gogo bars in Pattaya, however, are several orders of magnitude better than the best gogo bars in Bangkok. No contest.
It’s not that tricky to avoid the troublemakers and have fun, and prices are such that it’s quite possible to save enough cash over a party weekend to cover for the hotel and transport, compared to the cost of such a weekend in Bangkok.
I think 2-3 days would be more than enough, but I’ve definitely re-evaluated my opinion of Pattaya.
Terry and Bob will definitely be back - and so will I.
nb. This article was originally published at Werewolf’s Lair.
Sir, that was first rate. Keep writing like that and we readers may not let Were, Wear, whatshisname, have his blog back.
All I can say is thank fcuk you didn’t post that on the Mango blog, as my debut this Sunday would be total shite by comparison.
Rather than really respond / elaborate / slobber all over your column in this post, I think I’ll just abuse my blog (oooo, how erotic!) and write up a reply on it tomorrow. Evening hours at http://www.pattayaghost.com
View all comments by pattayaghost
a fun read.
View all comments by streetlite
subtract your penis length and add mine and you’ll be there no problem
View all comments by doctorbond
I should also say this is the funniest shit I have read in a long time - but I can’t bring myself to (It’s a Brit thing)
View all comments by doctorbond
Great Read!
Would have been an even better first hand experience
View all comments by Professor
Nice piece. Glad you changed your mind. I’ve never quite understood why you were that categorical about Pattaya which is fun altogether. Agreed, after a few days there I always feel like I urgently need to see something else…
View all comments by mart
Great to read you again 3B a hearty round of applause, or should that be a warm hand on your re-entry – certainly the clap you deserve after admitting to last knockings on Beach Road anyway.
View all comments by Smiler
Fantastic reading, informative and funny - glory days are back !! Indeed.
OK BBB, you convinced me to spend time in Pattaya on my next trip lo LOS.
The combination of cheap women, booze and sleaze is simply irresistible…
I read somewhere that there are no regular taxis in Pattaya only motor bike type. Is it true ?
P.S. Must have been a serious crime that the chap, back in the U.K, commited to get such a long prison term. Tragic.
View all comments by Manny
BBB - Great read! I think it’s worth noting that that the walls in the Ma Maison are quite thin and are not terribly well insulated as you proved by keeping your friendly ladies from Beach Road screaming most of the night next door!
View all comments by Bob
So am I to understand that there aren’t any go-go’s with hot tubs in BKK? Oh well, I’ll just have to hit up Pattaya at least once while I’m there.
Pity the hot tub thing really doesn’t fit the theme of the new Mango Bar. Could’ve been another front for them to pioneer. Still, I’m not complaining.
Nice piece by the way, very funny stuff.
View all comments by X-tian
That was gold.
I reckon you win the prize for most used metaphors in a story.
View all comments by Tark
bb - when is your blog starting again?:)
what will WW do now?
ghost don’t worry - u will do fine.
View all comments by dreampipe
*blushes*
Gee, thanks guys.
@mart: My first trip to Pattaya I didn’t know where I was going, so only made it to the shit bars. I didn’t realise there were any decent ones, and I met some seriously nasty folks there. Spoke to tons of people back in Bangkok who had the same impression of Pattaya, so I assumed it was the correct one. Am very glad that I reconsidered.
@Smiler: Nice!
@Manny: There are regular songthaews doing the rounds (the baht-buses), as well as motorbikes and tuk-tuks, but you’re right - the only real taxis I saw seemed to be exclusively for fixed-rate trips back to Bangkok. Could be wrong.
@Bob: You were “Terry”, you plank! Good call on the hotel room walls though. I should point out that I didn’t receive any complaints - only awestruck congratulations on my stamina and vocal range.
@X-tian: No hot tubs in Bangkok gogos. Sucks. I understand that there will be a jacuzzi in the New Mango, but that it unfortunately won’t be for use by the general public.
@dreampipe: No chance! Six weeks and I’m out of here.
Should add that this trip took place earlier this year, and things do change rapidly. I know that X-Zone was sold recently for example, so might not offer the same experience as it did when I was there.
Cheers!
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
Hilarious. All the more so for its accuracy.
View all comments by Wombat
Yes you’re right there are no metered taxis in Pattaya. Anyway it is very easy and cheap to get from one point to another, I’d almost say that there are far too many songthaews, they can get pretty annoying. Personally I always rent a motorbike but it is not necessary at all.
Sorry folks but Mamaison is not that good an option. The best deals are always the newer hotels which do not have much of a customer base yet, if any. And for some reason there always are new hotels in Pattaya. Mamaison’s been doing business for at least 10 years I would say. Last time I was in Pattaya, I got a 30 sq. meter room with king-size bed, bath tub, safety box, a big balcony and a fabulous swimming pool for 800 THB and it wasn’t really low season yet. I guess you could get the same room for 600 THB at the end of may-beginning of june.
View all comments by mart
Hey BBB, I posted my response on the blog
http://www.pattayaghost.com/2008/06/07/from-the-blogs-bangkok-bad-boy-does-pattaya-the-ghosts-response/
View all comments by pattayaghost
pattayaghost, I’m sure most of us got your plug the first time. Can’t help feeling the second time would have been better coming from someone else?
View all comments by swampthing
Yeah, same same me.
Too much PR kills the PR…
View all comments by mart
Well, I know how to get comments on the site now… just write more interesting stuff.
I did, indeed, speak to BBB on Tuesday night while he was softening the opening at the resurrected Big Mango. I stupidly came upcountry without my Bluetooth adapter, and so I am internetless.
I have been staying well out in the sticks, about 10KM from the nearest 7-11 with limited transportation; no chance at all to secure a replacement bluetooth adapter. Also, for my first 3 or 4 days I was sick as a dog, and every hour not spent working was spent sleeping.
Today I am on an easy work-day that includes field trips with Thai work colleagues (I’ll probably post a blog about it when I return to civilization).
They have all taken a 2-hour shopping trip across the border into Burma. For reasons too complicated to explain at the moment, I was unable to go with them, so I wandered around town until I found an internet cafe with a decent connection.
I am currently at the northernmost point in Thailand… a small town called Maesai that sits on the Thai-Burma border. I’ve had a fascinating day today visiting the DoiTung area, seeing a wildlife breeding center, some very attractive flower & rock gardens, and a coffee plantation & factory. As much as that sounds like sightseeing, I was actually working; accompanying a dozen Thai people on a tour of the area.
Last night was a fun-filled 3 hour session of karaoke with the same dozen Thais, who tried and failed to teach me all the words to my favorite Thai song. For the occasion I consumed three large bottles of Heineken … the only alcohol I’ve consumed since Friday the 30th of May.
BBBs writing is brilliant, and it’s good to see both humor and a Pattaya report — two things the site has never had before.
Thanks again 3B for looking after things. Hope everyone is enjoying the change of pace and the free plugs
WW
View all comments by Werewolf
Hey WW,
thanks for the news, looking forward to reading your detailed reports. BBB is doing not too bad here but still, we miss your updates on everyday life and the Thai next door which make your blog so unique. Take care!
View all comments by mart
@mart: Name Hotel!?
View all comments by wenthworth
Fantastic! I can’t stop laughing and, like all the best humour, it is based on the truth.
It also took me a long time (eight years, in fact) to even think of Pattaya without holding my nose, but once some friends showed me where to go and where to avoid, I started to enjoy it.
Basically, if you ignore everyone with a shaven head, mad eyes or a Singha vest, there are some decent people among the other 2 per cent of Pattaya farangs.
BBB, after such a great read, I must treat you to a margarita on our next meeting.
View all comments by On Nutter
very funny were the girls prettier or different than bkk or the same kind of woman thanks!
View all comments by toddmorocco
wenthworth - I have to admit that I am reluctant about posting it for everyone to read but send me an email and I’ll give it to you: [edit: email removed by request -BBB]
Please understand me, I don’t want said customer base to grow all too quickly so I have to avoid posting that info in the open…
View all comments by mart
wentworth: You could do worse than Opey De Place. 690 baht gets you a nice airy room in a hotel with a swimming pool, restaurant and wifi.
http://www.opeydeplacepattaya.com/
View all comments by On Nutter
@mart: If wentworth wants to leave a note once he’s noted your email, I’ll take it down/obscure it.
New piece tomorrow folks. Probably. I think. Or not. Have a surprise left in your lives
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
BBB: I’d never ever expected you to be that considerate. Is it Werewolf’s style and manners rubbing off on you or Pattaya that changes a man?
View all comments by mart
ww - you are up country on a thai work off site? SOP for most expats is to avoid these at all cost!
View all comments by msb
This is Fine Writing. Proustian. At once tender, humane, brutal, and funny, BBB’s Pattaya piece is a meditation on loss and what it means to be a human being. With a hard-on. In the Sex Industry Mecca of the world. And I certainly intend to take his advice and get my credit card out there as soon as I get out of jail.
View all comments by Pants Elk
WW: Are you sure you are not a spy working for the Australian government up there on the border…or maybe the ‘mericans? James Bond?
BBB: Keep the great stories of drinking and debauchery coming…you da man!
Shameless plug: click on my name/link for fresh pics of today’s modern Thai working girls….
View all comments by fontok69
Got that email address thanks…….
View all comments by wentworth
fontok - how dare you?
These are quite awesome flickr folders, thanks for sharing!
View all comments by mart
that’s the sort of shameless plug i’m happy to second
View all comments by swampthing
@mart, On Nutter: Nice tip on the hotels, Ma Maison was fine, and I didn’t think 1000-1500 baht was that expensive, but if the same can be had for less then I’m certainly game.
I left Ghost’s link in since he’s the Mango Blog’s new Pattaya correspondent, and figured that my friend’s friend is my friend, or something. WW has no ads/banners on this site, so it’s not as if outgoing links cost anything in real terms. My only real concern is offensive/irrelevant comments, unless WW tells me otherwise.
@WW: Hello!
@On Nutter: Make mine a beer, margaritas are lady-drinks and you know it
@toddmorocco: Same same, but
differentcheaper.@fontok69: Some quality photography there, great stuff!
Is it beer time yet? What, I have to post before I’m allowed out? Hmph…
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
BBB - 1500 is expensive for Pattaya, 1000 is just OK. The one I was talking about is WAY better than Mamaison and it’s a couple of hundred bahts cheaper…
View all comments by mart
Pants Elk - with the thwack of the foam whip as evocative as Vinteuil’s little phrase
BBB - you should write that book! Bolam and Bewes would be reet proud lad.
View all comments by Milo
mart:
Oh, please please, I want to learn also the name of the place!
Heading down to Pattaya in July as it is closest beach to Bangkok. Hua Hin is so empty in July, couple of beer bars and one disco at the local hotel and thats it.
I have stayed in this lousy motel called Midtown Inn previously, costs 500 baht a night with small swimming pool. But the room is more like a cheap motel, not that nice at all. To me that has been ok with the price being so low as I wont stay much in the room anyway and it is quite close to Walkingstreet. But I am really open for other suggestions that cost less than 1000 and are easy to get to where things happen so that I dont have to take motorbike taxi or such.
Now I hear there are places with 700 with I guess better toilets and decorations! wow 
View all comments by kv
God I miss Pattaya. It’s like a sex theme park. They should offer all inclusive passes which get you on all the rides for free. Of course you end up doing one roller coaster too many, eating too much of what is bad for your and totally sick by the end of each day, but you’re back for more the next day.
View all comments by Combover
When this piece went up — and my comment was placed first — my blog was 1 week old. (Feels longer!)
More than 75 articles later, this is still better than anything I’ve written. I actually re-read it the other day and still laughed out loud at the x-zone section.
View all comments by The Ghost
“Figuratively speaking, of course. There’ll be no tales of errant poo on this website. Well, not yet.”
This little gem is tucked neatly in the middle of this blog, which was posted nearly six full weeks before the classic “Maid Service Required”.
Nefarious doings afoot early on.
View all comments by Werewolf
Hey, it’s me
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
WW — INDEED! When I reread the piece a couple days ago I saw that line and just had to chuckle. The maniac had the shitstorm planned from the beginning!
View all comments by The Ghost