The FARANG Speaks 2 Much

Thai Penthouse girls

Last Tuesday saw the Penthouse Party at Forte. Together with a pal, I went to check it out. On paper, it sounds a good idea. Penthouse girls strutting their stuff in thongs and heels, in the confines of an exclusive members’ club.

Or so I thought. Turns out the event was free entry to members and non-members alike, and even worse, featured a free bar.

And so, predictably, the whole place was ram-packed with horny Thai guys, jostling for position so that they could get the best shots with their ubiquitous camera-phones. Nobody likes a sausage party.

So it was that I found myself standing mere feet away from some of Bangkok’s most beautiful women, as they paraded themselves practically naked around the stage, and was heard to utter as I finished my free drink, “This is shit. Let’s go somewhere else”.

I think that’s an affirmative sign that I’ve now fully settled into Bangkok life. I idly wondered what my pals back home, cursed by chubby chicks, would think about this state of affairs, and swiftly resolved never to tell them.

There are some things about Bangkok that just don’t make sense, until you’ve been here and seen it for yourself.

The idea that you can have more fun elsewhere, when you’re already at a swanky free bar full of near-naked beautiful women, is probably one of them.

They’re All Called Noi

So we left. Soi Cowboy appealed, and I soon found myself in one of the better gogo bars, where my regular girl wasn’t around. But Noi, as we shall call her, was. Young, cute, perfectly smooth skin, no kids, a perky pair of top-bollocks, and a demeanour that could bring a smile to the face of even Steve McClaren. Negotiations were swift.

I don’t usually suggest long-time when it’s my first-time with a girl. Not until I’ve figured how whether they’re any good or not. But I had a good feeling about this one. She agreed enthusiastically, but with one condition - that she be allowed to make a phone call to her boyfriend at 2am. I chuckled, and agreed.

So on our way back to Bad Boy Towers, I asked where her boyfriend was, and what he thought she was getting up to in the evenings. Pretty typical, really. He was stuck out in farangland, but would be returning to Thailand for his next trip in a few months’ time. He thinks she’s working service, rather than hugging the pole, but she figured that what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.

And anyway, she added, being a butterfly is so much more fun, isn’t it?

And as our yellow and green limousine reached the apex of the diamante-paved ramp to the platinum arches of my humble abode, my valet gave a nod and a wink of approval, as he unfurled the red carpet and doffed his cap (simultaneously - no mean feat).

Into the shower, and off to bed for Round One, and I’d like to take this opportunity to apologise to the neighbours. I’m sure most of you have encountered a screamer at some point, but this one was off the scale. My ears are still ringing…

And then, the phone call.

“Yes darling, I stay my loom, miss you”, she simpered into her Nokia whilst reclining on a couch. Poor sod. But I’d seen it all before.

“Yes, of course I still want marry you!”. Or maybe I hadn’t.

He wasn’t her “boyfriend”. He was her fiancé. Whilst this remained an equally silly situation, I couldn’t help but feel a little sorry for the guy. Although from the sound of things, he was hardly a role model for fidelity himself. “Him same you, like butterfly”, she’d told me earlier.

I wandered back to bed, wondering whether she or I were the most errant party here. Morals and whoremongering make strange bedfellows.

And as I was cogitating on this conundrum, she slipped into bed beside me, still chattering into her phone, unrolled a condom with her spare hand, and clambered aboard the BBB Express to instigate Round Two.

A friend remarked on the situation the following day, after I’d shared my shame:

Her fiancé! He must have elephant poo for brains. Good job though.

We’re all going to hell.

Happy Loy Krathong

Finally, happy Loy Krathong folks. Yes, it’s that time again. Everyone fucks off to the river to buy stupid little floats, fills them with money, and chucks them in the river. Whereupon a bunch of Thai chancers swim through the sludge and pocket the cash. Ah, the joys of living in a Buddhist country, where karma is everything. Isn’t it?

On top of that, the barfines will be raised this evening to dissuade the girls from taking the night off. It’s up to ฿1,000 at Rainbow 4 - expect the same kind of prices elsewhere.