“You may feel a small prick…”
I was taking in the lesbian show at the ever-improving Sheba’s bar on Soi Cowboy with a friend recently. There’s nothing quite like relaxing with a cold beer as four naked hot young Thai girls munch on each other’s muffs for your entertainment. Anyway, I’d had rather a few cold beers, and as the show ended, I had to visit the bathroom.
And so it was that I stood peeing into the urinal as, over my shoulder, those very same four naked hot young Thai chicks were furiously swilling soda water round their mouths, hacking and spitting every last trace of each other’s juices into the bathroom sink.
Sorry to spoil the illusion for any romantics, but yes, it’s just a show. Pleasant as it may be to contemplate this foursome being somehow involved in a long-term lesbian love-square, it’s all about the baht.
Some of you now may be rolling your eyes and muttering “no shit, Sherlock”, but that’s actually not my point today. Rather, this little vignette got me thinking about the very fabric of the scene here - for both girls and punters alike.
Last week saw the return of the Bangkok Virgin, who I’m sure won’t mind me describing him now a fully evolved Bangkok Slut. He had described a conversation with a Nana Plaza gogo girl, who was giving him the old “me love you too much” speech. He’d laughed and told her that if she really loved him, she wouldn’t want any money, would she? She thought about this for a while, and then laughed, admitting that yes, of course, she was just in it for the money. Apparently I’m now in trouble with the girls for telling him too much…
But the Bangkok Slut has got his head screwed on. He hasn’t fallen in love with a hooker, and when one of his regular gogo girls started getting too clingy, he showed no hesitation in moving onto another one. He doesn’t understand why so many guys come over here and end up falling in love with, sometimes even marrying prostitutes. Neither do I.
And How Would Sir Like To Pay?
Here’s a typical case of a farang losing the plot:
A 63-year-old Briton called for help from the authorities to force a Thai woman to return his money nearly Bt17 million after she chased him out of her house.
Stephen Jones said he had met the woman in Pattaya in 2001 and decided to sell all of his assets in England and gave the money to her to buy a house and plots of land in Kalasin to live with her.
But the woman chased him out of the house two months ago after she had got all of his money. #
Would you give £235,000 to a hooker in Bristol? Bradford? Basingstoke? Bootle? I wouldn’t. There’s something about the scene in Thailand that separates some men from their brains. The girls, of course, take full advantage, and in extreme cases like the above they end up cleaning some poor guy out.
Readers of the sadly-missed Mango Sauce may remember the tragic tale of Chris from Kent, another poor sod stripped of his assets by a scheming Issan minx.
The façade of the hooker-as-girlfriend/wife concept came crashing down too late for these unfortunate gents. Like the lesbian show, they wanted to believe it was real.
The Other Side
The hooker scene isn’t exactly a walk in the park for the girls either though, it must be said. Resigned to working bar almost every night, too many turn to drink, drugs, gambling or (usually) all three. I had to almost physically fight off a gurning yaba’d-up troll at the Angelwitch Halloween party recently, as she occasionally remembered to beg for drinks in between gibbering away to herself - or anyone in earshot.
That’s just one example though - it’s hard to go on a gogo crawl these days without bumping into several girls who are obviously under the influence of something illicit. Some girls will always cope with it better than others, of course. The top-notch gogo girls and showgirls who get to dictate their own working hours generally cope pretty well, I think. The young stunners usually get snapped up as girlfriends or mia nois pretty quickly. The ageing and/or overweight girls shouldn’t be there in the first place, so som nam na, or something. But it’s the regular girls stuck doing the shuffle every night who make up the brunt of Bangkok’s elite ladies of the night, and it’s sad when some of them stick at a profession which they’re obviously not mentally equipped to cope with.
End On A Song
We saw off the Slut’s week with an early-evening stroll down pastoral Patpong. Caught Electric Blue on a good night, chilled out at the reliably-quiet Crystal Palace for a couple, and then ended the week in style at the Star of Light. On separate couches, natch. I splashed out, so to speak, on a double-header, but felt a little sorry for the bloke who came into the bar after my service had commenced, led one of the girls into the bathroom, finished, came back out into the bar, paid and left before I was anywhere close to done. I mean, they’re talented girls, but that’s just silly.
very well written but the point you are making is?
View all comments by MSB
don't believe the facade (?)… but then you already know that, don't you?!
View all comments by werewolf
It seems many farrangs have a need to go through the "this bargirl is my girlfriend" experience. Some go through it much worse than others and have no idea when to say enough is enough. And then there are those guys who convince themselves that these girls are doing this because they have no other choice. Give me a break.
View all comments by Jason
Ah man, you ruined it for me at Sheba's.
View all comments by ArtTv
@MSB: I have to have a point now? Harsh… Okay, my point was that some farangs, and indeed some bargirls, and indeed my semen at the SoL, are (metaphorically speaking) so similar to the vaginal secretions of the girls who do the lesbian show at Sheba's, insofar as they are rinsed around the "system", and then (metaphorically, again (aside from the semen part)) spat out.
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
bangkok is like disneyland,its a fun place to go. yes we all love the disney characters, but it doesnt mean you can take them home and keep them.except in bangkok you can fuck cinderella,but you still wouldnt want to fall in love with her because you know the park officials wont allow it, she is for everybody.just a word to the unwise,spend your money at disneyland not send your money to a cartoon character after all bangkok is just a very big amusement park
View all comments by eloelo
I thought the point of the article was another toilet anecdote. As for the customer at the SoL I suspect he was practising the principles of effective time management. When I first got laid many years ago it was all over in 15 seconds. I've improved since then. Got it down to 5.
View all comments by Wombat
@eloelo: I think you may have stumbled upon the best Thailand analogy ever. Bravo.
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
@ Jason: Wouldn't history would be rather dull without its frequent "hot slave girl makes good" stories.
Notable success stories abound.
Since the very myth of a B-girl hitting paydirt (her being treated as a human being rather than an ejaculation appliance) threatens Thailand's slave labor pool, so-called hi-so types look on this sort of "class jumping" as outright anarchy.
Just look at what passes for hi-so behavior here.
I'm baffled by visitors to this country who allow this silliness to matter to them.
View all comments by Prufrock
It's a mystery to me too why these guys hand over their worldly goods lock stock and barrel. I can only assume that they were so devoid of any kind of affection or rumpy pumpy before they came to Thailand that this percieved change in their fortunes overwhelmed them. Whereas those of us that enjoyed a modicom of success anyway before arriving in LOS - albeit it preceded by fake sincerity and dinner buying - just see the Thai scene as an effortless ramping up of what we were doing before.
Incidentally, I am handing over approx £17k to buy an upcountry Thai house. It is in fact for a relation - to buy a house for him and his wife and their new baby. I am reasonably confident that he will not be kicked out once the house has been bought, but, I guess I can't be absolutely sure.P.S. Back in the UK today and am happy to report that it is just as grim as BBB reported
View all comments by doctorbond
Jesus !
View all comments by Prufrock
The relation in question is my son Prufrock
View all comments by doctorbond
"The relation in question is my son Prufrock"
Doctorbond is Prufrock's father - now it all makes sense.
View all comments by Pants Elk
fake sincerity and dinner buying, i am shocked i thought all the women at home loved me…… at least i know in thailand they are just fucking with me… by the way i have shelled out more cash for useless lying good for nothing western women. ..now i work for the united nations…i intend to fuck someone from every member state….all in the name of love of course…
View all comments by eloelo
all for the want of a comma…
View all comments by werewolf
@doctorbond: ok, Ok, OK. So it's only a nice chunk out of your worldly goods (not all) and he's your son. (A million baht - nice round number, eh?)
How does that information, ipso facto, render your son's judgment or his in-laws' sincerity any more or less sound than that of those "rumpy-pumpy" guys' who "mystify you" as (in a word) desperate?
(A sympathetic ear at the local Prefecture perhaps?)
Perhaps this question hasn't as yet formed vis a vis your situation; but sooner or later it will.
Anyway, for some reason, I felt you were fishing for an answer to that one.
But I'm nearly always wrong so you needn't take any of this on for anything other than its entertainment value
And how does "the relative" being your son and the 1 mil. Baht not being, I presume, ALL your "worldlies," affect your son's legal standing here. (which is 0, in spite of ANYTHING you get to the contrary from "the experts"
BTW . . . . . if you actually ever do get one, try to enforce a legal remedy in Upcountry "ban nok" and see where that gets you.
Financially speaking, this family is marrying out of their class. Happens all the time "over 'ome" but not so much here UNLESS ?? . . . . You guessed it: It's a marriage to a farang.
Since this is rarely done here, except with farangs, little remedy exists for the aggrieved (especially farang aggrieved ) if things eventually go bad and they frequently do
Believe me Doc, Thailand's cunning peasant classes can play a romantic version of the 'big store' con that would make Ahmed Chalabi green with envy.
After this, if you receive equally urgent requests to mitigate future pressing issues (There will be others, you can BET on this) in your son's life, send more if you like :-)
He's your son, it's your money and this gives you pleasure and you're happy to contribute to his happiness and raise his stature etc, etc.
I wouldn't.
Think of this money as a gift from you to the family. A gift your son will be able to enjoy for as long as he is welcome in the house that he's built for them.
I would.
View all comments by Prufrock
Thanks Prufrock - I felt that with my visits to Thailand over the years and the reading of many sites prepared me well enough to realise that my gift to my son (and perhaps more importantly to my grandson) is at risk. My son of course is truly grateful and I have had to say to him…. you had better be a damned good husband now… or she will kick you out.
Three possible outcomes: They stay together happily ever after.. (possible); They split and she gets the house and in time my grandson benefits from that gift (not so bad an outcome) or… they split and somehow my grandson gets classed as the 'devil son of a farang' and gets disenfranchised completely (possible but not that likely).
I think that I proposed the gift with your last sentence in mind - hope for the best but prepared to accept the worst. My much more serious problem is that my second UK son asks me to buy him a house too :)))))
Another way of looking at it is that had my son not gone to Thailand and married a Thai girl, I would not be coming out three months a year and having a whale of a time being a doting grandfather during the day and a hell-raiser in the evenings - nuff said
View all comments by doctorbond
@ww "I no want comma, I want baby" - battle-cry of Khunying Noi na Buriram
View all comments by Prufrock
@doctorbond: Can I have a house too?
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
@doctorbond : If only there were as much forethought, care and true benevolence in every hamper as is in the one you've prepared for your son and his young family.
Best of life's blessings to all.
I too am utterly gob smacked with incredulity when some wizened old doofus (such as myself) "tosses the keys" to a crafty little monkey who's former worth to her family was measured in the number of 300 baht fill-ups per annum her older brother got for renting her out short time to his mates at Songkran.
The evenings here peak so dramatically that in the lull day we seem to be reduced to commenting on each other's grammar and punctuation.
However happy I am to learn you are also a bit of a hell-raiser yourself, Doc may I suggest you really should keep a supply of commas around.
View all comments by Prufrock
This marrying-a-Thai business- do the legalities change if you're married in your home country? If, as a Lithuanian national like me, you nuptialise your lbfm in Lithuania? Does the wily little minx get to keep all your stuff then, too?
View all comments by Pants Elk
@Pants: The meat of this particular example is that we farangs are not permitted to own houses in Thailand. Hence lots of farangs who want to live in houses either rent them, or buy them in the
mrs'smrs'(do I need an apostrophe there or not, Prufrock?) wife's name.If you take your Thai wife to the UK, you get to keep half the house and half of your assets, should things turn sour. On the other down-side, you have to live in the UK.
I can't comment on Lithuanian divorce laws. This state of affairs pleases me greatly.
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
@doctorbond: 2 sons. Don't you have a daughter? I'm a little short of cash at the moment.
View all comments by Wombat
Since you can live, with a bit of a hassle, in Thailand without marrying anybody - why bother? In fact, he said, cooling to his theme, if anybody can give me a reason for marrying other than being just dumb (mea culpa, twice), I'd like to hear it.
(Cost per lbfm shag, inc. drinks, hotel, travel, whatever, let's be extravagant and say, what 7ooo baht? Cost per shag my ex-wife, around 7000 euros.)
View all comments by Bitter Old Man
2BBB: Om Sin's or, as we'll say for the purpose of illustration, my missus's (Mrs.'s, Mrs.') lovely house was already built when we shacked up.
I just pay for soffit and fascia repair, fix eaves troughs and lay out money for paint and fences. We'll do air con as soon as they get Wi Fi up there.
Geez, BBB, spell checkers didn't go off so, um, I guess we're cool as long as one way or another, we capitalize the mother
View all comments by Prufrock
@Bitter Old Man: Any time a hot BG rascal asks me why I haven't married the lovely Om Sin I reply that since farangs have no legal standing here At ALL:
"Mai mee hetpon, loie . . . mai mee prayoht loie"
In other words there is no reason to and no advantage in getting married here.
More often than not these gals just break out in a big grin and answer, "You samart man". Now unless they're being ironic or sarcastic (that'd be unusually rare) they are saying what they really think. Could also be the butter up for a short time but I honestly can't remember it ever really looking that way.
View all comments by Prufrock
i like the post format..you've been reading too much Crutch
View all comments by bo
@bo: Never heard of "Crutch" I'm afraid, let alone read it
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
Fwiw, Crutchley is a beer-sotted Cowboy hanger (& environs) who has written a column (& now sports) for the BKK Post for donkey's years. He occasionally has an interesting historical reference on the Nitescene of old.
Will
View all comments by Will Morledge
@Eloelo; let us know when you fucked the eskimo
View all comments by hanuman
@Will: Ah, I'm a Nation man myself. Their website is funnier…
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
Bad Boy,
I keep switching - Post - Nation - Post. I stay with one until enraged, then switch again. Right now, I prefer to be underwhelmed by the Post's low standards of journalism. Fortunately, I know people working @ both, so I can dis them in person.
Will
View all comments by Will Morledge
@ BBB - sorry you just missed the boat - gave away my last house just recently - still this camping lark is not so bad except there is no cable
@Prufrock - If I had based my life successes on my grammar skills I would be a poor man - luckily, I didn't (oops slipped a comma in by mistake)
@Wombat - I am certain I have had a few daughters quite recently thank you
@ Bitter Old Man - My son has not had all of the romance beaten out of him yet - give him time - he has a highly active 18 month old now - won't be long….
View all comments by doctorbond
@ doc (Comma or no comma, if you've been out and about here we're, um, still more than likely "related"
View all comments by Prufrock
A sobering thought - I'll take myself down the pub to forget
View all comments by doctorbond
i cant fuck an eskimo, there not in the united nations,ah fuck it i 'll have a go, just dont tell the secretary general. then i will let you know, bloody long way to go though , and i dont like the cold.
View all comments by eloelo
I once met an Inuit hooker at a seedy bar in Nyhaven , Copenhagen.
View all comments by KTBanker
not wanting to be pedantic but the article about the 63 year old brit said if married a thai woman. It did not say she was a hooker. Why do we assume she is? Cos it was in pattaya?
View all comments by MSB
Hmm. Granted, there's technically a tiny chance she wasn't. I wouldn't bet on it though.
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
are there any non hookers in pattaya?
Ive hear of guys meeting up with girls who work in watsons after hours for 1000baht
View all comments by Penfold
@penfold: If they hook up for 1000 baht, surely they're hookers too?
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
@BBB that kind of re-iterates my question of 'are there any non-hookers in pattaya'
View all comments by Penfold
Ah, sorry, misunderstood. Got ya.
Er, probably. Let me know if you ever find one. Can't stand the place, personally…
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
i just read my last comment and came across like a right moody/snappy bastard……..
Torn knee ligaments and UK weather/food/people/girls are killing me. What i wouldnt give for a sneaky 100baht gobble in the carzi @ Casanova right now
View all comments by Penfold
About that question of existing non-hookers… do you guys think that there really aren´t nice girls to pick up in bangkok nightlife, without having to pay?
don't misunderstand me, i like to pay when a girl deserves its price but it would also be fun if i could go out to some disco or bar and really try to work it out without having to pay… i heard about Bed SupperClub (maybe i could find it there…?)
View all comments by Copycat
Bed Superclub is a good place to go for it. I was beating them off with a shitty stick last time I was there and I could do with losing 10kg!
View all comments by meister
There are plenty of places to meet girls in Thailand who are not hookers. Bed is one example, Santika is better, RCA has several clubs like Slim/Route 66….there are tons of clubs all over the city. Almost all of the girls who work in the g-clubs are not hookers, but it takes time and frequent visits (i.e. money) to woo them.
Picking up regular Thai girls during the day is a better approach than night clubs IMHO.
The best places I have ever seen for good looking regular Thai girls are outside major office buildings during the lunch hour, around University campuses during mid to late afternoon and in any hospital foyer at any time….off topic a bit but Yan Hee hospital performs more plastic surgery than any other hospital in the world. It is also where most of the ladyboys go for their operations. It is immense, with a lobby area so big that nurses scoot past on roller skates. And the reception girls (of which there seem to be plenty) seem to be specially picked to highlight the procedures available in the hospital, and they wear nurse uniforms that are only available in adult shops in UK/USA/Australia. Last time I visited (with a gf for a nose job) I though I was on the set of a really good soft porn movie.
However, at the end of the day, you always pay one way or another.
View all comments by Mochalover
@Copycat: Of course there are "nice" girls in Bangkok. We were talking about Pattaya, which is an entirely different kettle of bananas.
@meister: Bed is just a wee bit pretentious for my liking.
@Mochalover: Amen. The most expensive sex to be had is that which you get for free…
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
no such thing as free sex,unless of course you have an affair with yourself.!
all men just have to get with the programmme..all around the world men are seen as the earners and givers…. if a women does give you free sex… there is always something we have to do in return which costs us money not them.!
hookers just save you the time and trouble of wondering when the bite is going to come,,,,, and it always does…do you think donald trumps wives actually like him…. no they like his money, thats why we all want to be rich,,so we can give our money to the deserving..either way it is still whoring…and thats the way it is
View all comments by eloelo
Capitalism makes whores of us all, methinks.
View all comments by Neil
"….The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less…."
This is a quote from Brendan Behan, an Irish writer (not much remembered)
View all comments by Sam
Guys, are you forgetting there are ladies who actually enjoy
sex too? Same as we?
Not all ladies view it as chore. Give her a good time
in bed and odds are, she'd like to come back to it.
View all comments by awk
OK, so this is old, but freaky. There’s actually a follow up to Mr. Jones story:
http://www.pattayaghost.com/2008/08/29/brit-flees-thailand-sure-pattaya-bargirl-wife-wants-him-dead/
View all comments by Pattaya Ghost