There comes in a man’s lifetime a number of sexual milestones. Our first sexual experience is rarely one to write home about. Deflowering a young lady may provide bragging rights, but is rarely much better.
Our first experience of oral pleasure can be rightly commemorated, as can the victory cigarette smoked after we first persuade a young lady to take it up the wrong ‘un. But after that, it’s down to personal taste, fetishes and mere numbers.
Some time ago, I passed the point where I’d bedded seventy-two different girls since moving out here. Which made me think. And thinking can be a dangerous thing, as I will now demonstrate.
The Koran (together with the hadith) infamously promises all martyrs of Jihad a reward of seventy-two virgins, amongst other garish delights:
They shall recline on jewelled couches face to face, and there shall wait on them immortal youths with bowls and ewers and a cup of purest wine (that will neither pain their heads nor take away their reason); with fruits of their own choice and flesh of fowls that they relish. And theirs shall be the dark-eyed houris, chaste as hidden pearls: a guerdon for their deeds… We created the houris and made them virgins, loving companions for those on the right hand…
– sura 56 verses 12-39, transl. NJ Dawood
I’ve always wanted a fatwa, so let’s explore one of modern western society’s best-known sexual myths, and how it compares with life as an infidel in Bangkok.
Why virgins?
Some readers will have slept with virgins in the west. Others may have slept with virgins in Thailand. Some may never have experienced it. I have - once, back in the UK. It really wasn’t very good. It didn’t help that she informed me of the fact afterwards. If I’d known beforehand, I probably wouldn’t have had that eleventh can of Skol.
But still, an encounter with a virgin is generally acknowledged as being one of fumbling, anxiety, possibly discomfort, and ultimately disappointment. An encounter with one of Bangkok’s legion of entertainment providers is usually quite the opposite.
To be perfectly honest, the only reason I can think of to want to sleep with a virgin is that, since we all remember our first time, we’ll be ensuring that the young lady in question remembers us forever. Raw unbridled egotism. A bit sad, really.
Sour Grapes
Anyway, it turns out that the amazing exploding fundamentalists will be feeling a bit silly when they finally get to the afterlife:
Luxenberg tries to show that many obscurities of the Koran disappear if we read certain words as being Syriac and not Arabic. We cannot go into the technical details of his methodology but it allows Luxenberg, to the probable horror of all Muslim males dreaming of sexual bliss in the Muslim hereafter, to conjure away the wide-eyed houris promised to the faithful in suras XLIV.54; LII.20, LV.72, and LVI.22. Luxenberg ’s new analysis, leaning on the Hymns of Ephrem the Syrian, yields “white raisins” of “crystal clarity” rather than doe-eyed, and ever willing virgins - the houris. Luxenberg claims that the context makes it clear that it is food and drink that is being offerred, and not unsullied maidens or houris.
In Syriac, the word hur is a feminine plural adjective meaning white, with the word “raisin” understood implicitly. Similarly, the immortal, pearl-like ephebes or youths of suras such as LXXVI.19 are really a misreading of a Syriac expression meaning chilled raisins (or drinks) that the just will have the pleasure of tasting in contrast to the boiling drinks promised the unfaithful and damned.
As Luxenberg’s work has only recently been published we must await its scholarly assessment before we can pass any judgements. But if his analysis is correct then suicide bombers, or rather prospective martyrs, would do well to abandon their culture of death, and instead concentrate on getting laid 72 times in this world, unless of course they would really prefer chilled or white raisins, according to their taste, in the next.
Return On Investment
Flights to “terror training camps” in Pakistan, raw materials for explosives, and, in the latest botched attempt at terrorism, a beating at the hands of John Smeaton. It all adds up, whilst air travel is getting cheaper every day.
There are rather more than seventy-two young and eager girls in Bangkok (Stickman reckons 29,265), and allowing the Thai Airways staff to fly you into The Amazing Sinking Airport is at least marginally safer than hijacking the plane and flying it into a building.
Who knows, our would-be martyrs may even experience spiritual enlightenment - if the cries of “Oh my God!” echoing through the alarmingly thin walls of one of Nana Plaza’s short-time hotels on Saturday night is anything to go by.
So. Virgins or bargirls? Your call.
Disclaimer
I’m actually not attacking Islam (although, like all religions, I think it’s more than a little bit silly). I’m attacking the idea that bedding a virgin is in any way desirable, especially compared to the idea of bedding a professional.
And if you Christians think you’re getting away with believing in cosmic silliness, remember that your religion can be summarised as:
The belief that some cosmic Jewish Zombie can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him that you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree. #
I am an equal opportunities religious critic. Bring on the fatwa…
good one! i like it!
View all comments by rick
Great piece. Been nice knowing you.
View all comments by Pants Elk
lol, not usual to see a moral stance against a sexual act on this site. i don't think expats wouild be happy at all to see soi cowboy and the like flooded with muslims. amusing thought though, if bargirls were the catalyst for americans and muslims to unite in peace.
View all comments by terrywogan
girls have some sort of emotional attachment to you if you are their first. and it doesn't go away. i thnk its more than just a memory. still waiting for the evolutionary based explanantion for that one.
View all comments by author
72……..in a row?
View all comments by Jingles
Not 72 in one session, no - even I'm not man enough for that kind of a task!
I believe the session record at the Eden Club is 21 girls. I would need a week-long ice bath, I think…
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
21 girls would have been about £550 - wouldn't cost much more to be a new record holder - strike a blow for the British stiff upper… whatever - so tempting!!!! (apart from the fact that my constant travelling companion would get worn down to a small stump)
View all comments by doctorbond
P.S. 72 would be a shade under 2k
View all comments by doctorbond
I'm with you on this one 3B. Shagging virgins has got to be the biggest waste of time. I did it once when I was about 19 years old. Lets just say after a few tender movements inside said young lady I was "instantly jewish." Ouch!
View all comments by meister
OK so you've writthen that shagging Thai girls is better than any possible relationship with Western women; now you've written its better than religion … we get the point! Can we go back to reviews of houses of scandal in and around Bangkok please?
View all comments by Bunyip
Personally, I think this dispute of raisins vs virgins is all a bit silly, outside the purely academic study of Semitic philology (and yes, Arabic and Syriac are both Semitic languages).
Let's face it: religion is an exercise in silliness, and has no rational place in the modern world. All the philological arguments in the world will not stop fanatics from being fanatics; they might just persuade them to kill a few philologists though.
Well, seventy-two is quite an achievement though. I have only managed thirty in my life, although I am one of those sentimental types who likes to have ongoing relationships with a single-digit number of girls at a time. And none has been a virgin: I find even inexperienced bargirls a pain in the arse. If they want to be trained, they should be paying me.
View all comments by Mugwump
Prince Shidarth of the Nepalese kingdom Kapilabastu had the luxury of having sex with thousands of the most beautiful young ladies, mostly virgins, collected from around the kingdom even after marrying to one of the most beautiful girls. After enjoying all the pleasures of the flesh and senses he became fed up with life. He renounced everything, his kongdom, family and later he became Buddha. You need to experience that kind of level and quantity of pleasures that Sidharth enjoyed to become enlightened. Just being in Bangkok is on the right track of becoming a Buddha, the enlightened.
View all comments by John
John, I think the Buddha actually said that desire prevented you from becoming enlightened, not helped: "When a man's desire is aroused, nothing prevents him from ruining himself … those who are drowned in the filth of passion are called the ignorant." There are many similar quotations. As one of the ignorant myself, I'm not making a moral judgement (Buddha was very hot on not making moral judgements himself - no such thing as "sin" - just error), but neither do I try to justify my filthy behaviour by claiming it to be The Way - it isn't. It's a diversion. Like most things in life.
View all comments by Pants Elk
Buddha said " life is sorrow", "because of desire", "renounce desire to attain nirvana" (never to be born again on earth as any form animal including human). How come he came to know all these wisdom, not just by sitting under a banyan tree all his life. He knew it because he attained and tasted what every man at that time desired in his life. So inspite of all the wisdom in the world people are still making mistakes not because we are stupid but because our heads cannot cantrol our hearts. We need to quench this fire call desire by giving it what it wants, only then we will see the light that Sidharth saw.That you can in BKK.
View all comments by John
"We need to quench this fire call desire by giving it what it wants"
You may like to try extinguishing your blazing house with petrol, too. Let us know how it goes!
(Er .. banyan?)
View all comments by Pants Elk
I think Stickman's estimate of poo yings on the game in BKK (approx. 30,000) is off by about 1000%.
View all comments by KMS
Fire of desire = Not burning houses or some nuts' desire of nuking the west ( mr. Bin & co.). Banyan Tree = A large tree under which buddha meditated which are a found in plenty in Thailand,India etc. By the way I am a few hundreds ladies short of becoming enlightened.
View all comments by John
Oh, ri-ight … it was a metaphor. My bad.
John, nowhere in the Buddha's sayings does he recommend burning out desires through satisfying them. In fact, he's says the opposite, and he says it repeatedly and with no ambiguity. He says avoid succumbing to your desires. Don't feed the fire. Don't, in fact, have sex. You can quote Tantric Buddhism at me if you like (I'd like to hear your take on tantra), but the guy you're talking about had nothing to do with Tantric Buddhism.
I don't have any problem with your philosophy, by the way. But you shouldn't say it's Buddha's, because it evidentially isn't. If it's what you believe, then that's fine, but you don't need to justify it by saying you're following the Buddha's precepts - you ain't!
(Nor was it a banyan tree. Not that it matters.)
View all comments by Pants Elk
No , definetely not Buddha's saying. Rajnesh said it and I kinda agree with him.
View all comments by John
A little more on enlightenment…if martyrs of jihad are recruited with the promise of 72 virgins, the west needs to promise new military recruits an unlimited supply of young beautiful sexy Thai/Asian women. Can you imagine the recruitment ads?! R&R in amazing Thailand! Recruitment would increase 1000%.
View all comments by MunchMouth
virgins arent worth a wank, give me a seasoned pro that'll suck me 7 ways to sunday and gladly take it up the dirtbox, anyday of the week then a timid newbie
21girls at 1 time? carnage
i wonder if they'd let 3 guys take 4/5 girls in there at same time and have a bloodbath? i been considering it but not sure wether they'd allow
View all comments by Penfold
@penfold: I suspect they'd be up for it - give them a call, if you want confirmation: 0-2255-4672.
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
i suppose as with anywhere in BKK - if you got the relevant cash - we might need a cameraman for this monumental event if your at a loose end BBB?
as much beer lao as you can drink and we'll try our best not to splash you with any bodily fluids - now thats what i call an offer
View all comments by Penfold
Ditto on the virgin business, 3B. Not that I prefer bargirls; give me a non-pro who can suck the chrome off a trailer hitch and lives to be a super-slut in the sack. Sandy Han, from Whittier, California, where are you, bitch??!!?Had a virgin in college and it was just the worst — she neglected to mention the fact until I squeezed it out of her. Turned down a pretty 16 year-old when I was in my early 20s, who wanted me to pop her cherry. Last virgin I did was 4 years ago, and again, what a bore. Unless you are deeply in love with a virgin, I don't suggest it at all.I'll trade horizontal recreation time with 10,000 virgins for just ONE session with a hot Mongolian contortionist.
Jing jing.
View all comments by soi4rulz