The FARANG Speaks 2 Much

Last weekend I met a drop dead gourgeous Thai goddess and fell in love, head over heels in fact. The other night I cycled through a 32-kilo 1000 baht Blow & Go Specialist and a girl banned from AsianStreetMeat.com for being too slutty. What went wrong you might ask?

It depends on your point of view. One point of view is that I lost out on a loving caring relationship and I’m back to meaningless sexual encounters with prostitutes. A second point of view which I happen to share is that I’m an idiot for falling in love in the first place. It is here where things went horribly wrong. I ignored my one and only rule about falling in love and having a serious relationship:

Rule No. 1 of 1: Do not fall in love and have a serious relationship.

So how did it go wrong? For a 24-hour period this past weekend there was a Coup in my brain rendering many logical functions inoperable. The Coup Leader, I’ll call her BurningHotFlameWithLittleGas (BHFWLG) was a tall, exotic, and stunningly beautiful goddess I met at Spicy Ron Muang after hours. It wasn’t her beauty alone though that did me in. There was the first eye contact, further observation, visual flirtations, pursuit, first encounter, instant connection, discovery of mutual friends which broke down trust barriers, the jealous rage attack of an ex-Gik of mine who happened to not only know her well but had propositioned her many times (I’m still not sure who my ex-Gik was jealous of), my buddy hooking up with her best friend, the successful bonding with her gay male friend who’s birthday it was, the instant popularity I achieved after buying two rounds of B-52’s, and finally the spooning and pillow talk until the wee hours of early afternoon. A short but magical time period indeed but I should have know something was horribly wrong given that I don’t normally choose spooning over sex insisting that I would like to wait and get to know her better.

Both sides of my brain were trying to send warning messages:

Msg1 from Left Side: “Did you forget that breaking up is hard to do?”
[With a working girl that is. Sure, it can be difficult breaking up with anybody but with working girls it can be additionally complex. Generally speaking, if you date or marry a working girl you will be uplifting her lifestyle. She no longer has to deal with P4P duties, will live nicer, eat nicer, travel more, and be able to take care of her family in a more consistent fashion. Again, this is generally speaking. However, when you break up with them it can be a harsh loss of face for them along with all of the uplifts mentioned above. It's then back to the bar and living with two other friends in a box. I know many guys who have gone through this including me. As you can imagine if the Thai girl doesn't want to break up things can get very ugly. Threats and/or carrying out of apartment thrashing, suicide, significant body part removal, and ruining your life in Thailand are just some of the "ugly" you will see. Not to mention the incredible guilt you feel. It's torture plain and simple]

Msg2 from Right Side: “You love being a Butterfly. Free to fly without Guilt or Incrimination. Fly Butterfly Fly.”

Msg3 from Left Side: “The following ten hours of streaming memories contain all the gruesome details of your past relationships. Watch and listen to them carefully.”

Msg4 from Right Side: “Look at all of the beautiful women in Spicy. You can never touch any of them again as you can do now. Woo, did those two girls just wave you over? Wait, you are in a relationship now. Looooser!”

Noble attempts by both sides but largely ignored by a brain engulfed with thoughts of running through a field of Tulips with BHFWLG. The brain can be beaten by the heart at any moment and there is nothing you can do about it. BHFWLG penetrated my heart like a hung Ladyboy entering a young Thai boy’s ass. No matter what your past experiences are and even if you read Private Dancer you can still fall.

The next day it came to an end. As I got to know her I realized that we had very little in common. She is 26 and wanting to get married and start having children immediately. She also started playing games and laying the guilt tracks down…something I have very little tolerance for. The more I saw inside the less I looked outside and my brain finally started to clear.

Things are back to normal around here as the other night demonstrates. I must admit though that when I heard Roxette’s “It must have been love but it’s over now” play the other day a tear started to form. It quickly evaporated though as I saw a girl that works at the bar next door adjusting her new D-Cups. In the words of my friend MoPhan “I’m back baby”. On with the Weekly:

This week:
Bangkok Bar/Go-Go Update
After Hours Update
What a Dick!
Thai Phrase of the Week
Tales From The Street
Big Mango Bar Update
Upcoming Events

Bangkok Bar/Go-Go Update
Asalha Pucha Buddha Holiday happened this past Sunday and Monday. Nana Plaza Bars including the Big Mango Bar were Open. Soi Cowboy and Patpong Bars Closed. Many of the pubs and restaurants were open, some not serving Alcohol.
Nana Entertainment Plaza
Closing consistently at 2am. Most bars very slow with the exception of the more popular bars. More cameras went up around Nana so there are now about a half dozen. This is mostly for “National Security” but just letting you know.
- G-Spot. SHAME SHAME. They tried to rip off my friends for over 2000 baht. My buddies were drunk granted but were just having fun. They also received a free drink for dancing naked on stage. Bait and switch as their bill was doubled. G-Spot is a Crown Group bar as is Fantasia, Lollipop, Hollywood Rock first floor, Cascade, Obsession, VooDoo, Carnival, and all the beer bars in the middle of the first floor. Enough said.
- Playskool. Some lookers on my last visit and no Customers. They also had a new Thai DJ who was playing the music so loud he blew the system. It was back in 10 minutes but the damage to my ears could be permanent.
Soi Cowboy
Closing 2am and still very nude
- Suzie Wong’s. Another successful Lesbian Show visit for two newbies I brought there.
- Dejavu. Didn’t see the show but still impressed with the lineup.
- Dollhouse. Still a nice lineup but get there early or the large breasted birds will have flown away.
Other

- Reader email on some Bangkok Venues: [Note: I have had different experiences at some of the venues below, some better some worse. The following is from a guy that has been here a few times and is his take]
“I checked out Teen VIP in Soi 30(something). It was an okay massage but nothing special, the same massage could be had at Avivas on Soi 8. I also managed a trip to Darlings(on Soi 12 which I venture on most trips to BKK), Darlings has the same price structure as Annies(across the street from Majestic Grande) for 2500baht(farang or asian,same same) for 2 hrs. But from my perspective the quality(especially the faces) of gals are always better at Darlings. It has usually been a hit most of the time, as I find the quality of girls there are similar to the ones in the fishbowl at Poseidon. My only quandary was one girl that I had there started smoking marijuana during a session. This scared the crap out of me as I know the Thais don’t take it too lightly when drugs are involved. I also managed to hit Eden twice which left me spent out of action for 2 days. And after that experience I finally understood why your quest for a threesome never led you to Eden, the experience is great but the girls are definitely no lookers. I never got to check out Thermae but I will if I ever get a chance. My friend was shocked that I had never been to Beer Garden so he thought we’d get a kick out of going there and it certainly was a spectacle. The quality of girls there all range in the negative digits. If I ever do get around to coming back, I know that my next conquest would be number 20 at Suzie Wongs. Its too bad you missed out on the lesbian show that night we ran into each other at Soi Cowboy. My friend gave me his best pitch to stick around just as I was getting up to leave. “Don’t leave, if you stick around and catch the show you won’t leave without a boner!” said my friend and I gotta hand it to him. He spoke the truth!”

After Hours Update
Most clubs are going until 5-6am still.
- Spicy Ron Muang Soi 1. Still leads the pack.
- Spice on Suk Soi 11. Packing it in again. I hardly go anymore because the music is average, the girls are mostly Suk freelancers or Suk working girls off work with attitude, and the lights are dizzying.
- DEO Club Suk Soi 5 (above Foodland). Nobody going still. They tried handing out flyers and doing a Happy Hour from 10-12 with Beer and Standard drinks for 120 baht but it’s not working. Go figure. Spice on Soi 11 is just too close.
- Tata Innana on Suk Soi 1. Finally shot in the head. Closed.
- The Tunnell on Lang Suan Soi 5. Back to being a top After Hours destination. Good crowd and great house music spinning. I heard of an early closing last week so will keep an eye on it. This club never seems to get it right with the Police.

What a Dick!
I have always heard and used phrases including the words “Dick” and “Penis”. For instance, “What a Dick!” or “He’s such a Penis” or “Bill’s a real Dickhead”. These phrases are usually derisive in nature but here in Bangkok they take on additional meaning. There are guys that come here and check their brain at immigration switching all brain functions to their Penis. Guys that are brilliant and well-educated otherwise become:

If you try to make plans with these guys or have a conversation you will essentially be talking to a large Penis so no guarantees. Everything they do is geared towards getting laid which makes sense given they have become one giant Penis. Don’t be offended by their actions just understand what they have become. They are generally harmless unless they don’t wear a hat of course.

Thai Phrase of the Week
This week we learn the Thai phrase for “Me so horny”:
“Phom NeeYen Mak Mak”
“Phom”- Me
“NeeYen”- horny
“Mak Mak”- soooo
This is a crude way of saying your horny. The more polite “I’m in the mood” is “Phom Alom Dee Krap”

Tales From The Street
Tale1: Got a feel good one to kick it off this week. A good bloke I know had a pretty distressing experience with an opportunistic Thai bargirl about six months ago. Basically, he fell for her, they did the ritual pre-marriage buddha ceremonies in Isaan, and then she hit him up for 10,000 US to build a house for the family. He obliged, the finances were transferred, and the good bloke returned to his home country where he spends about ten months of the year. One more thing, he also arranged for her to receive a Visa to his home country so she could visit him in a month. Well, as it turns out the good bloke stopped hearing from her. She took the money and blew him off. I know what you’re saying, “This is your feel good story???”. Understood, here’s where it brightens up. The good bloke befuddled by these events starts his investigations into what happened and why. He found out that his princess was seeing another guy who happened to come from the same home country as he did. He went to visit the second bloke to let him know what she just put him through. The second bloke apparently knew about him (but not about the money) and asked the girl a few months back to choose which bloke she wanted to be with. She chose the second bloke and is now married to him. I know, you’re still not feeling good so now for the creamy center, the second bloke pays the good bloke back the 10,000 US apologizing for his now wife’s behavior. Wonderful to hear. I saw the good bloke after he had been taken, it was really heartbreaking. That was about six months ago. I just saw him last week and he told me about getting the money back and it was cool to hear. Then he told me he just lost his wallet in the taxi ride over…back down we went.
Tale2: A nice guy customer told me about a couple of Freelancers he pulled off the street that took his wallet, passport, watch, toiletries, and camera while he was sleeping. The hotel’s policy was to call the hotel guest when girls leave but they didn’t do it. The hotel helped him file with the Police but they still haven’t caught the $&%#*& girls. Remember newbies and punters in general, one thing you do get with a Bar Fine is some piece of mind. With that said I almost always line up with Freelancers but that’s after being here a while. I pay bar fines still but less and less over time. Best advice, make sure your hotel calls you when the girl leaves. Make a strong point of it when you check in so they don’t forget.
Tale3: At least once a week I hear of somebody leaving their wallet or mobile in a Taxi. 99% of the time you will not hear back from the Taxi Driver as they can quickly sell the phone or keep the wallet contents. In this case you just have to write it off. It’s just too “easy money” for the Taxi guy without trace. This week though I heard from a Punter about how a Taxi driver sped off without taking pay while he unloaded his elderly lady friend. The punter had his bags in the back seat and the Taxi guy just made off. Rough out there so be careful.
Tale4: From PunterA: “I met a 19 year old service girl at Club Boesche Pattaya a couple of nights ago. She was wonderful to look at but she dented my theory that service girls try harder. But she told me that the minimum age to work in a bar in Pattaya is 20. She’s sometimes forced to take time off without salary if there is a police crackdown. I thought the minimum age to dance is 18 but you can be younger and work service. What do you know? Is Bangkok different from Pattaya in those employment rules?”. Actually, this is more Q&A than a Tale but anyhow, the law is that you have to be 20 or older to work in a Bar/GoGo. As we all know though this is rarely enforced.
Tale5: A local GoGo girl told a friend of mine that her management tells all the girls to demand 2,000B for ST and 4,000B for LT. I’ve only heard of one other instance of this. My quess is that some mamasans/mgmt advise some of the girls to aim high because in some places they can get it no problem so why sell yourself short.
Tale6: A dancer at Rawhide told a friend that management will not allow any dancer with silicone enhanced breasts to work there. Noses, cheeks and chins are OK. My guess is that they don’t want customers to think there are Ladyboys working there. Many boob-job girls get the “you Ladyboy?” question more than when they had mosquito bites boobs.
Quote1: “I’m as horny as a zoophile watching a sheep getting sheared”. Horny Punter.
Quote2: “Now I’m gonna go home, beat my girlfriend to death and take the baby”. Angry and mostly kidding Punter. He didn’t touch her btw.
Quote3: “I’m a little fish in a big sea harbor, won’t you rescue me?” - Punter A’s first sms from a 17yr old girl working at the Subway he just left 10 minutes ago. They exchanged numbers while he was selecting his vegetables and toppings and then he received the “rescue me” message 10 minutes later.

Big Mango Bar Update
- Happy Birthday to Kem and to Rat who broke the Surfer On Acid Shot Size record. BTW, he lost basic motor skills about one hour later, something his girlfriend was not happy about:

- Big Mango Kitchen Specials:
o Sliced Pork “Zurich” Style with Potato Rosti and Grilled Tomatoes - 190 baht
o Tacos and Nachos now on the Menu
- Beerlao Dark now at the Mango. Happy Hour price from 4:00-8:00 everyday is 75 baht. On Beerlao Wednesdays it’s 75 baht ALL NIGHT. Oh and Apple wearing the new Beerlao gear:

- Happy Hour has been extended from 5:00-8:00 to 4:00-8:00
- Kitchen now open until 1:00am
- A mad visit this past week from Chelsea Blue and the boys. He brought along a few Bangkok Virgins so we saturated them with the Mango Bangkok Virgin Super Shot. The booze actually chilled them out. Some crazy muthas these guys. They took me over to Casanova one night, the Ladyboy bar with the most FrankenLadyboys, and for shock value (ie. I think it was for shock value) they turned it around on the LBs and become the Molesters. I still have nightmares of pale English guys trying to get 6 foot plus Ladyboys Chubbed. The tongue kissing didn’t help either. One of the guys got up on stage and was going to bear all but there were two Lady customers in the bar so he couldn’t. Whew! These boys were party animals and did manage to get up on the G-Spot GoGo stage naked. For this they got a free drink but also caught the G-Spot staff PADDING their bill about 2000 baht. Typical “screw the drunk Farang” BS you get at some bars. Lastly, ChelseaBlue avoided getting hit by a large glass thrown at him by a sweetheart of a girl, one of the nicest girls I know in Thailand. He knows how to light a torch under the girls. I’m sure the glass missed him because he has so much practice at ducking them. Love you guys and see ya next time.

Upcoming Events
- Hello Kitty’s Fantastical Adventure Live in Bangkok 2007. July 30th at Bangkok Convention Centre, 8th Floor CentralWorld. Contact Thaiticketmaster.com for tickets.
- Gwen Stefani The Sweet Escape Live in Bangkok. August 19, 2007 at IMPACT Arena Muang Thong Thani. Contact Thaiticketmaster.com for tickets.
- Engelbert Humperdinck 40th Anniversary Tour. August 22, 2007 at Bangkok Convention Center, Central Sofitel Hotel. Contact +66 (0)2 262 3456 for tickets.

-pmmp