The FARANG Speaks 2 Much

I wanted a massage. No I was not looking for sex. I was tired, a little sore from my renewed pledge of hitting the gym everyday and I just wanted a rubdown. At first I thought I wanted a foot massage but usually I fall asleep during a foot massage and I did not want to sleep. I thought about an oil massage but I did not want to get naked and I wanted the invigorating feeling that I usually get after a proper Thai massage. So there I was on Soi 8, not because of Lolita’s, and decided to hit one of the small, normal Thai massage places to get tweaked back into an energetic mode.

Before I finish the story though I got a bunch of housecleaning to do. Remember the Embassy run? Took a snap of the passport. Feel free to send in a photo of yours if it is bigger - passport that is. This is not a porn site.

The small passport is my first passport with no extra pages added. So a normal US passport. The one below it is my passport with 6 extra groups of pages added. Maybe more. I lost count. This passport won’t expire until 2010 so by then it should be as big as a Reader’s Digest. The lame thing is no matter how many times I hand it to Immigration Agents, holding the appropriate page open for them, they always lose the page and look through it on their own, thinking they can find the right page. Which they never can. Then they hand it back to me asking for the right page. Whatever.

Speaking of immigration I have a funny story. I am sure readers have similar tales - if so please share. A buddy of mine recently returned home to Calgary after spending time in Thailand. To fly home he went from Bkk to Hk and then on to Vancouver for immigration. Upon arrival the Canadian Immigration Authorities asked him where he had just come from. I love this trick. He said HK. Which he had since he spent the night there. Of course then they look through his passport to see a Thailand stamp.

“You have a Thailand stamp sir. Did u visit Thailand?”

“Yes I did, but you asked me where I cam from. That was HK.” My friend sheepishly admits.

Big red mark on the Immigration paper. “You will need to be searched sir.”

This used to happen to me all the time when I came back to SF from SE Asia. Coming back from Cambodia always got me the most derogatory treatment - Thailand a close second.

So my friend pulls up to the agents, with the big scanners and scowls, to ask him to open up all his luggage, his carry on and his backpack. Now he is sweating a bit - not because of anything illegal but just the overall treatment and the two agents. One - a middle aged, overweight white women and her Indian partner who apart from wearing his uniform looks like he just landed from Bombay.

Sidenote for all you frequent travelers: HARD evidence points to new ways of fighting jetlag. Amen.

So they start going through his stuff and ask him what he does for a living. He says he is a writer.

The first thing to get him in trouble is they look through his wallet to see a near naked photo of a Thai girl. Small, wallet sized photo with a  note and signature on the back. In Thai. The Indian agent grabs it and is horrified at the suggestiveness of it - the female agent asks, “Is this girl underage?”

“She is a friend of mine. A model. Of course she is not underage.” My friend deadpans.

Right next to the photo is a card. From Lolita’s. The heading of the card is : Come in and be BLOWN away.

“Is this place a bar or some place with underage women?” Female agent. “Look sir. We need to ask you now. On your travels to Thailand did you fraternize or engage in activities with underage women?”

“No I did not.” My friend - sweating it.

“Do you have pornography and if so do you have pornography with underage women?” The Indian joining the inquisition.

“No I don’t.”

They start on the backpack and the first thing they pull out is Pattaya By Night - the go go magazine. Full of scantily clad photos and racy content. Not really porn per say but this is Canada.

“Sir. These photos are quite racy and the girls look quite young. Do u know these girls?” Female agent.

“No. This is a normal souvenir magazine available on any street corner in Pattaya. It is like a guidebook for the city.” My friend hoping to dig himself out. Yeah - not only magazines available on every corner but so are the girls. Take that!

“Okay sir, but u should be advised that it could be taken as pornographic material.” The Indian doing his part to throw the guantlet down.

Next in the backpack was a stack of pirated sofware and a bunch of coyote dancer DVDs with photos of scantily clad women on them. Notice that sex is the key here - they could care less about US$1000’s worth of stolen software.

“Are these sex movies?” The female agent gunning for a kill.

“No. These are videos of dancers and dance clubs.”

“Are these strip clubs? Is there nudity?”

“No. Just dancing.” My friend feeling the heat.

They proceeded to go through his computer but since it was a Mac they had no idea how to find things. Another good reason for carrying a Mac over windoze. Lucky for him it also ran out of battery.  They went through all his luggage and never really found anything they could get him on but for sure they smelled blood. Reminds me of how much I am not looking forward to flying back home.

Back to Soi 8. I got a very plain, older lady to take me upstairs and show me the mat. They handed over those too small, Thai cotton pajamas for me to change into. Further ensuring the basic Thai massage - no skin contact. No oil. I changed and she came back. Got right down to twisting, contorting and rubbing me back into vigor. I was stoked.

Front side done I was ready to turn over. Then it hit. The question I was for sure not expecting.

“You want me massge here?” As she grabs my johnson and gives it a nice tug.

“Uh. Wait. Thai massage. No - I am fine thanks.” I was not ready for this. I had just assumed the normal Thai massage. I was in a booth. I could hear other customers. Hell. Lolitas is so close. But then it hit me. I was actually feeling aroused. The idea that I would need to take off my pants and underwear - go into rub mode and then finish the Thai massage got me worked up.

“Sure. Why not.” I am such a sucker.

She actually did not have any oil on her since this was a Thai massage and let me add that it was a rocking Thai massage. I was digging it. She left me alone to get some oil. That kind of oil that warms your skin as they rub it in.

She returned. De-pants me and got right down to business. Damn it felt good. U know. Or do u? The 2 hand multi directional method that they have perfected in Thailand by girls who would be terrible in bed but who have mastered hand jobs. U can’t give yourself a handjob this good - trust me. Less than 5 minutes later I was re-enacting old faithful. I was shocked since I had already serviced my girl in the morning. If I don’t she bitches at me. The struggles we have here.

She cleaned me up. Helped me with my pants and finished the Thai massage. I felt great. I tipped her and walked downstairs. Then when I hit the lobby some of the other girls were giggling. Seems I had made a small scene with my massage therapist having to go get oil since they had asked me in the beginning if wanted oil but I declined. I was saving myself. Please.

Literary sidenote: The new John Burdett book is out. Bangkok Haunts. It is really good. Started it today. I am assuming it is already in most major outlets and Amazon. I picked it up at Bookazine in Bkk. Bangkok 8 and Bangkok Tattoo are part of the same series. Great reads. I also picked up Sightseeing by Rattawut Lapcharoensap. A Thai writer who lives in the US. This is a collection of 5 short stories about Thailand. Great read. He is also working on a novel. Also check out the Jake Needham PodBooks.