The demeanour is instantly recognisable. The dismayed white girl, confused and concerned by Amazing Thailand. Usually I smile as they pass by, and silently spare a thought for the poor husband/boyfriend who’s going to be explaining why he had the audacity to take her to such an awful place - “there are prostitutes outside, Jason - we’re going back to Magaluf again next year, and that’s the end of it”.
This time, however, I was on the other side of the line. I had to show her around. Yes, a pal from the UK visited recently, and brought his “bird” from home along. Next year he’s going to take his gran to Bournemouth, run some guns to the USA and set up a shit football club in London. Ice to the Arctic is so passé…
The evening began pleasantly enough, on the terrace of a reasonably inoffensive Sukhumvit bar. She decided that we needed to have a little chat. She knew all about Thailand from the news, you see.
Her: “Don’t ever get involved with the prostitutes here. Honestly. It’ll ruin your life”.
Me: “Oh, I’m sure things would swiftly become unbearable. Thanks for the advice”.
Her: “I can’t even imagine what it must be like for them. It must be such a miserable existence. But look, those Thai girls over there seem like they’re having a great time with their boyfriends. That’s what you should be doing - setting up a meaningful relationship”.
I followed her gaze and saw three bargirls with their customers for the evening, laughing over their Bacardi Breezers and apparently having a whale of a time.
Me: “That’s very astute of you. Actually I have just started seeing someone. I’ll get her to come along after work if that’s okay with you guys?”
Her: “Oh terrific, I’d love to meet her! I picked up a bit of Thai on the plane, you know!”
We reconvened at another beer bar. Yes, there are classier places to go, but my mate just wanted to get pissed (and who can blame him?) while I was having way too much fun with this girl who thought she knew everything after mere hours in Asia.
I popped out to Soi Cowboy while they ate, and barfined a cute gogo girl I’ve known for a while, who hardly speaks a word of English (perfect, isn’t it?), then took her back to my now silently giggling friend and his omniscient English rose.
“This is Noi guys, my beautiful girlfriend. She’s just finished work - she doesn’t speak English though, I’m afraid”.
Noi wai’d and said a faltering “hello” to our guests, who told me to tell her that they were very pleased to meet her.
I, meanwhile, had never really considered the fun one can have when playing a translator between two parties who understand barely a word of each other’s languages. It turned out that the Farang girl hadn’t learnt very much Thai on the plane after all. Who’d have thought it?
Farang girl to me: “Tell Noi she’s very pretty. Can we get her a beer?”
Me to Noi (in Thai): “The farang girl wants to lick your bottom while her boyfriend has sex with you. Five hundred baht”.
Noi to me (in Thai): “Really? Tell her three thousand.”
Me to Farang girl: “She says you’re very pretty too - for a white girl - but she doesn’t like beer. Can she just have a coke instead? I’ll have another Beer Lao, cheers”.
Drinks are ordered.
Farang girl to me: “It’s so cute that they call the girls’ drinks lady drinks! It must be great to be able to speak Thai so well”.
Me to Farang girl: “Yes. Yes, it is”.
Farang girl to me: “Bangkok isn’t that bad - not as bad as I thought, anyway. At least we haven’t seen any prostitutes…”
This cant be true!
View all comments by LOL
Difficult to believe that I’d willingly spend time and effort taking a farang girl around Bangkok, I know. But he is a good mate.
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
Is he still a good mate after slagging off his bint?
View all comments by meister
As an honored member of BB’s posse, I can absolutely vouch for the veracity of his story. He tones a lot of his pieces down for public consumption.
Farang girls, eh? I was in a tapas bar (I know, I know, cut me some slack, okay? Free newspapers and internet …) and three prime thirty-something examples sat at the next table with their fake blonde hair and their braying estuary voices and their all-terrain pushchair full of spitting kicking proto-lad, and ordered “white wine”. One of them turned to me and said “I hope we’re not disturbing this gentleman,” so I asked her to give my regards to Basildon and moved to the other end of the bar.
View all comments by Pants Elk
meister:
He was pissed off already because she’d vetoed the trip to Patpong. He found the whole thing highly amusing.
View all comments by Bangkok Bad Boy
After another long day in meetings far from Thailand - laugh out loud funny…thanks!
View all comments by Jag Guy
How devious!!! KOOL!!!!!!!! You should have taken her to Demonia on Soi 33, those girls aren’t prostitutes either, but great actresses!!!!
View all comments by John Boy
oh man, that is some funny shit. this is the hypocrisy of female-espoused morality. and the power of self-deception. love it.
View all comments by author
Nice story, the other night i saw a few groups consisting of a couple of men Acting like twats) and the “trying to not look to uncomfortable i have a open mind” (not ) white girl.. they piss me off, in the gogo bars the blokes are trying to play look how cool my bird is i can bring her in here ,,really he is thinking fuck why have i brought her here !!she is sitting there like some queen fucking bee looking at the rest of us punters like we are all the Gary Glitters of the world.and thinking poor little innocent girls being made to go with these men.. Thank god for Patpong where they tend to flock for the little look in to this side of things..Just looking at them reminds me of why i do not have any desire to sleep with a white bird ever again..
View all comments by Fish
For anyone who wishes to see a Farang woman with the same incomparable look of wonder, excitement and lust in their eyes as you might have seen from any of us on our first trip to Bangkok, just look out for the posses of large, pale, sweating ladies thundering around Chatuchak market any weekend of the year.
View all comments by Combover
I never dated a white girl, even when I lived in the States and I am reminded everyday, every minute here why that is.
View all comments by bkk22
white girls- big attitudes, big expectations, big opinions of themselves and the worst thing of all, big arses
View all comments by Tails