The FARANG Speaks 2 Much

Christmas and New Year’s approach. An amazing time to be in Thailand. The weather is perfect and the women are waiting to be unwrapped. Christmas itself is not a huge party night but New Year’s Eve is the pinnacle of all party nights here in Bangkok. The bars don’t close. The only night of the year this is true. It’s quite the marathon and you really have to pace yourself, or not. I blew a gasket around 4am last year but managed to muddle through until the sun came up. There were cheering drunks though going all night in NEP and all over Sukhumvit. Should be the same this year. Bar fines are usually raised to keep girls from paying their own bar so the bars are filled with potential companions, or you can work on your New Year’s resolutions with the many young Thai girls partying on the street or clubs. What’s even better is that unlike Santa these girls will give you presents whether you’ve been naughty or nice.

This week:
Bangkok Bar/Go-Go Update
After Hours Update
Cigarette Smugglers Beware (Reader Submission)
Some Marketing Gems in Bangkok
Tales From The Street
Big Mango Bar Update

Bangkok Bar/Go-Go Update
NEP
Staying open until 2am.
SC
Staying open until 2am. I took a few newbies to SC for a quick tour. Long Gun was packed so no-go but they were able to peek in and see the smoke-blowing-out-of-the-girls-privates show. Tacky imho but it draws em in. Shark was a bit disappointing since the lineup was a little light and they were wearing stars on their nips under a sheer top. Pretty conservative for SC plus the aircon wasn’t working. Next up was Rawhide which didn’t disappoint. Birthday suits galore. Their shows however were not even close to what you get at Sheeba’s or Suzie Wong’s. The boys were in awe of the Suzie Wong’s show. Tongues were a blazin.

After Hours Update
The Police continue to disrupt the After Hours scene. Closing bars early seems to be the norm now instead of the exception. The After Hours politics are something of a marvel. The strongest Police connection wins and the Boss Club seems to be the winner these days. All the Sukhumvit places minus Soi 11 are being shut early. Soi 1’s Tata Innana manages to stay open as well. Definitely not on the Police radar yet but even with all clubs being closed Tata Innana was empty. I always see the owner there, who is also the owner of Hollywood Go-Go in Nana. I just want to shake some sense into the boy. Drop the cover for girls and hand out some flyers for crying in a bucket. Maybe even offer a free shuttle from Sukhumvit down soi 1. C’mon man.

Cigarette Smugglers Beware (Reader Submission)
So I have been to LOS a few times when this happened to me. I sometimes fly Thai Air, sometimes Emirates. On this occassion, Emirates was the flight of choice. Uk to Dubai, with the usual two hour stopover, to allow you to browse the great Duty Free on offer. As normal, I bought my five cartons of cigarettes for a ridiculous low price of about £5 a carton (In the UK they are £5 a packet). P.S You can’t get Silk Cut in the shops in Bangkok.
On the plane I stroll with my booty, in a Dubai Duty Free carrier bag as normal. Land at the Airport, wait for my luggage, stroll through the airport to meet my driver. Driver met, we go to the carpark, when all of a sudden I got swooped on by Thai Customs officials & Thai Police. I was arrested for being a cigarette smuggler! This is where it got scary for me. They marched me to Customs & Excise, where they proceeded to shout at me, telling me I was going to prison & I was a very bad person. This is where I want you to learn something. If you are in this situation, do not attempt to shout down the people, act calm, speak politley & crap yourself in quiet!
So I had to sign many forms, in Thai, which I cannot read. Then I was marched to the Foreign exchange to change my USD. They fined me £280 sterling. Then I was taken to a police station, then somewhere in downtown Bangkok, maybe the Customs & Excise HQ. On the way the police hassled me as to why I was there, what my lady friends name was & so on & so on. Into this huge building, where I had to see lawyers, Head of police & all other manner of people, & sign lots more foms. While I was there, I saw another westerner who was arguing, shouting & spitting at the people, not very wise! They held me for four hours, & before they let me go minus money & cigarettes, they told me that I would be visited by the police that night, & the following day, another scare tactic I believe.
On being released I rang the British Embassy to complain about the treatment. The response was astonishing. I was told that I was very lucky. So here’s the punch. What normally happens with us Westerners is that we proceed to argue our case, the Thai’s get bored with us, lock us up for a few days, then ring the British Embassy to come & sort us out. Okay I was Lucky.
The next time I came to LOS, one of the Cutoms & Excise guys recognises me, & stands & waves at me! I love this place so much.

Some Marketing Gems from Bangkok
Some brilliant Marketing gems brought to you from the Land of Smiles. The first one is self-explanatory:

The second has to do with the possible upcoming ban of publicly marketing liquor related products. For instance, you can’t display a Guinness advert on a highway billboard. In a brilliant move to get around this Chang came out with:

The sign is a little blurry but it’s a bottle of Chang drinking water. It’s tilted and looks kind of like a bottle of Chang beer doesn’t it? They almost accomplish the same thing as if it was a bottle of beer. Very sneaky. Third, is a promotion for the upcoming Eragon movie which is not too exciting but I had the snap:

Lastly:

Not sure what the product is but I’m buying

Tales From The Street
This week a couple of quotes from some Brits that frequent the bar. Boring for some but new to a Yank like me.
- Quote1: “He’s a real Kipper” - A Kipper is a Red Herring split in two with the insides taken out, see pic below. A two-face with no guts basically.

- Quote2: “He’s a Monkey Hanger” - I love this one. Monkey Hanger is the affectionate term by which Hartlepudlians are often known by other residents of Great Britain. According to local folklore, during the Napoleonic wars, a French ship referred to as the chasse marée was wrecked off the coast of Hartlepool. The only survivor was a monkey, wearing a French uniform (presumably to provide amusement for those onboard the ship). On finding the monkey, some locals decided to hold an impromptu trial on the beach; since the monkey was unable to answer their questions, they concluded that it was a French spy. The animal was thus sentenced to death and hanged from the mast of a fishing boat. To this day, this has remained a source of embarrassment for people from Hartlepool, a minority of whom consider the term ‘Monkey Hanger’ offensive. It is often used to refer to supporters of Hartlepool United Football Club by supporters of their arch rivals Darlington.
- Quote3: “It’s like bringing coal to Newcastle” - A brit explaining why he doesn’t bring his girlfriend to Thailand. FYI, Newcastle has quite a bit of coal.
- Quote4: “He was crying Crocodile Tears” - Tears with no sincerity. Much like when a Crocodile sheds tears when devouring a victim. Somewhat related from a Dentist friend since it involves Crocodiles: “She had Crocodile arms”. His description of a girl friend of his that developed Crocodile size arms whenever the Check came.
- Quote5: “A week on
Wednesday”: A week following the upcoming Wednesday.
For Brits that think this is common knowledge and I am a moron for mentioning these please feel free to send comments to blairisbushsbitch@yahoo.com

Big Mango Bar Update
- Kitchen Special Of The Week: Gobble Gobble. Turkey with Mashed Potatoes, Gravy, and Mixed Vegetables
- Pool team lost it’s bid for a Plate in the Pool League playoff finals. We’ll get em next year. Congrats to Happiness Bar soi 22 on winning the Cup and to Moonshine Bar also on soi 22 for winning the Plate.
- A visit from some past life BEA’ers this week. Good seeing you guys. They were very depressed the night before leaving which once again proves that the worst thing about Thailand is leaving.

-pmmp