The FARANG Speaks 2 Much

Been a few weeks since the last Weekly. Apologies. I’m a slut and have
been out of control. Hard not to be. Anyway, many happenings here in
Bangkok to catch up on. The lead story is related to a question I am
asked quite often these days “How has nightlife changed since the
Coup?”. Well, it hasn’t really until this past week. Two major blows to After Hours were delivered by the men in brown. First blow, street
vendors cannot sell alcohol on Sukhumvit anymore (a few do it under the
table but no alcohol bottles are visible). If vendors are caught
selling it’s a 2000 baht fine. If they are caught a second time it’s
straight to jail. Long overdue imho. It’s always amazed me how bars
with licenses to sell alcohol have to stop selling and close at 1am or
2am but anybody can erect a wooden bar on Sukhumvit, pay the police a
few hundred baht, and sell alcohol until the sun comes up. Some of
these erect-a-bar’s even had ladies available to bar fined with a
mamasan as well. Ridiculous. Second blow to After Hours came this past
Saturday night, all After Hours clubs in the Nana area were closed by
the police around 2:30am with the exception of soi 11. Tequila Dragon
on 7/1 was closed for the first time. Soi 11 has never been closed and
must be owned by the Police to be that impenetrable. Soi 11 is also the
most notorious for drugs and thugs. Mind boggling that they are
untouchable so it must be a super connection. Many of us are hoping
that these actions are meant to clean up the illegitimate businesses
and perhaps allow legitimate, tax paying, license carrying bars to
operate After Hours. It wouldn’t be about how good your police contact
is but how good you operate your business. Okay, I will wake up now.
On a lighter note, another Halloween has passed here in Bangkok. Pretty
uneventful for those who weren’t here. No trick or treating (the candy
companies haven’t caught on that this could be there biggest week of
the year). Nobody is running around in costumes, and halloween-themed
movies and sitcoms are not playing around the clock. A handful of bars
were the only one’s celebrating. We put up the requisite orange and
black balloons here at the Mango and I even sprung for a blow-up
blinking pumpkin head. Pretty dead though around Nana and not many
people dressed up mostly just the employees. Being on a Tuesday night
didn’t help but I would think this is a perfect holiday for Thailand.
The fascination and deep belief in ghosts for starters. Maybe it’s just
too scary so they ignore it. Not sure.
One more thing to mention, it seems that www.stickmanbangkok.com was
down for a few days. We know Stick. He’s a great guy and one of the
main reasons the Mango Bar is still in business. I can’t tell you how
many guys say “I read about you guys on Stickman…”. Anyway, you can
go up on his site or the site of his nemesis
(www.notstickmanbangkok.com) to read all about it. It’s war and quite
an interesting debate in general. I certainly would feel weird if
somebody who didn’t like this Weekly started attacking and exposing my
personal life and the lives of my colleagues. On the other hand, is my
personal life open to be analyzed since it might support an argument
attacking the credibility and integrity of what is being said in the
Weekly? Remember Princess Di and the press? Yes, this is a million
times smaller but Stickman is a bit of a celebrity wrt Thailand
nightlife. So, does that make it okay to invade his personal life? One
more thing to chat about in the bar I guess.

This week:

Bangkok Bar/Go-Go Update
Pattaya Bar/Go-Go Update

After Hours Update
“American Woman, stay away from me”
Thai Security Guards
Tales From The Street
Big Mango Bar Update

Pattaya Bar/Go-Go Update
Check out http://www.2thebigmango.com/2006/11/beware_the_patt.html for a quick update

After Hours Update
- Soi 1 Black and White. The most pleasant surprise this week is the resurgence of the Soi 1 4th floor club that used to be called Josephine’s. They completely enclosed the once open air bar and renamed it ‘Black and White’. The enclosure was done for one of two reasons, they couldn’t play music too loud or the guy who fell to his death. Anyway, I went there Halloween night and it was pretty jamming. My friend commented that the new place looks like a gym decorated for prom night but still it’s a nice setup. The cover was 250 baht which gets you a free drink so not bad. They still have hookak’s (500 baht from what I can remember) and chicken burritos (100 baht). One extremely annoying addition is that they charge for towels in the bathroom now. My friend did his business and the attendant handed him a towel. My friend threw a 20 baht tip into the tip basket and the attendant pointed at a sign and said “30 baht”. So lame. It is these kind of Management decisions that keep killing this place. They are such morons. However, it’s nice having this place open and it’s starting to attract a cool crowd.
- Soi 1. There is a new after hours place opened by the owner of the Hollywood Strip go-go in NEP. The one time I went it was closed by the Police so nothing to report yet. It’s located by Bumrungrad on soi 1. I will get more details next week.
- We blogged this week about The Tunnel, a new After Hours place: http://www.2thebigmango.com/2006/11/can_the_tunnel_.html
- Tequila Dragon on Suk Soi 7/1. Still too packed on the weekends but weekdays are very cool
- Soi Tunnel (Sanook Bar) between Suk Soi 5 and Suk Soi 7. Blows. Terrible management has killed this place.
- Sukhumvit. No more alcohol as mentioned earlier.

“American Woman, stay away from me”
If there are any farang women, or as I like to refer to them “FarangKwai” (foreign buffaloes), reading this I’m sure they will call me a misogynistic twit. I may be a twit but I’m definitely not misogynistic. Love women, love em long time. However, I feel compelled to rip into this deluded herd. I will start with some lyrics from a popular Guess Who song:
“American Woman, stay away from me
American woman, mama let me be
Don’t come hanging around my door, I don’t want to see your face no more
I got more important things to do than spend my time growin’ old with you”
Maybe they were talking about America in general but I’ll pretend it’s about actual American women or better yet Farang women here in Thailand. the FarangKwai. The lyrics resonate these days especially after I encounter one of the herd here in Bangkok. Every one of them with the same “This place is disgusting, the women are whores, the farang men are pathetic, ugly, and can’t get dates with real women. I am Woman. Hear me roar” attitude. Truth is, they are mute and invisible to men here. They have been blown away by the competition, beautiful young and strong Thai women, and can’t deal with it so they lash out. What they don’t want to understand is that the men of their countries are disgusted with them and don’t have to put up with their “I am entitled to a man slave that loves me, respects me, and listens to all the sewage that spews from my Cosmopolitan-Magazine-infused-head” attitude, an attitude as heavy as their thighs. Geez, that sounds a bit harsh so let me continue. I see many of these FarangKwai passing through here and they are all huge. Michael wants to keep a rope and bell in the bar so when one of them stumps into the bar we can see who can lasso them and ring the bell in the shortest period of time. They think: “I am on holiday in Thailand, how exotic. Maybe I will meet an exotic Tom Cruise who will overlook the cheese that grows between my tree trunk legs?. I am more of a commodity than these Thai women that are giving away their bodies for pay. After all, I watch Oprah, have and Erin Brockovich poster in my bedroom, do Yoga, and most importantly I am beautiful on the inside.”. Newsflash, your insides are not beautiful. They have been ripped out and replaced with feminism and female propaganda that makes your insides as unattractive as your corn-flakes-in-a-hefty-bag looking butt cheeks. It’s not too late, repent, put down that McDonalds cheeseburger and turn off the tube. Don’t be so repressed about sex and use it as a weapon against horny men. Women in general and falling in love with a woman are deep and wonderful things, but FarangKwai are not women. They are marketing byproducts that need to be recalled and reprogrammed. Until then: “American Woman, stay away from me”. (Editor’s Note: there are many exceptional women out there that are not part of the herd. You know who you are. Help your sisters out before they become extinct)

Thai Security Guards
If you live in Thailand or come to visit you should be warned about the Thai Security Guards or Doormen that work in your apartment building or hotel. Namely, they have a strong allegiance to the Thai women that accompany you and will go to extreme lengths to rat you out. I hear so many stories about these little weasels. No amount of money or booze will keep their mouths shut either. They are as loyal as it gets. Perhaps the women bribe them, or they think they can get some free nookie, or they feel it’s in the countries best interest. Who knows. Just beware that everything they see will most likely be reported to any Thai girl that asks.

Tales From The Street
- Tale1: This is a follow-up from a previous weekly post on Rawhide go-go “… I went to Rawhide because the friend I was with wanted to show me this other goddess who unfortunately wasn’t there. He went on and on about how she was beautiful, had an amazing body, spoke great English, was extremely nice, and also had a wonderful personality. The mamasan there is an old friend so I called her over to see if this goddess was working that night. When the mamasan came over I asked my friend what the girl’s name was. He couldn’t remember her name. I died laughing”. I went to Rawhide with the same chap this past week. We sat by the stage and enjoyed the lovely ladies doing their two-step shuffle. After a few songs I asked my buddy if his beloved Apple was working tonight. I had still not met her and was dying to given the aforementioned praise from my friend. We again called the Mamasan over to ask if Apple was working. She pointed to the stage and the girl dancing right in front of my buddy for the past ten minutes. I again died laughing. He had no real defense. His reply: “That’s the worse she has ever looked so I didn’t recognize her dancing right in front of me. She looks much hotter when she does the sex shows”. This actually does make sense in this bizzaro world of go-go’s and gumdrops.
- Tale2: Punter A was given a greeting card by his favorite working girl companion before heading back to his homeland. It was a lovely sentiment and had the usual Thai-English love-you-long-time bargirl poetry. He showed me the card not for the sentiment but because the card said “Congratulations on your Promotion”. Hilarious.
- Tale3: Warning: Don’t read if you have a weak stomach. Punter A tells me about a recent romantic evening that went sour. Things were heating up with his companion and they were entering new territory, sexual intercourse. Punter A was dating a non-working girl and as is customary it takes a while before you get the goods. Anyway, this was the night and as I mentioned things were heating up. His hands ventured south and it was a river of excitement so he proceed to enter with his speedboat. Warm and lubricated he was really digging the experience and thought quite highly of himself for having such an effect on the young lady. When the deed was done and the lights came on it looked like a murder scene. Yes, it was red bed (that time of the month). Blood, KY, what’s the difference really. Yes, I know, gross. The sex vampire Punter A continues to date the Hemoglobin queen.
- Quote1: “Men are not made to give bj’s. I once gave a long bj to a ladyboy and the next morning my jaws were numb and soar” - a man
- Quote2: “I realize she has a big ass but her face is gorgeous and she’s got huge boobs. Add alcohol and you got a bar fine.” - an insight into the hiring process from pmmp
- Quote3: “I really enjoy eating pussy” - a go-go girl who just started doing lesbian shows last week

Big Mango Bar Update
- Bulmers Irish Cider (http://www.bulmers.ie/) is now at the Mango. I must say as a first timer that the big bottle is quite refreshing over some ice in a big Bulmers pint glass. There’s nothing like getting a seat on the rail of the Mango around 5pm with my Bulmers and watching the beautiful ladies and ladyboys without makeup report to work. This could really be a commercial for Bulmers if any exec is reading this.
- Pool team had a few rough weeks and is now 5-8 with 3 ties. We are now in 5th place with no chance of making the playoffs. Eff. Good fun though and thanks to the guys on the team and the team captain SG for making it respectable.
- Kitchen Special Of The Week: (2) Mexican Tacos (also, Lasagne has now been added to our Menu permanently)

-pmmp