The FARANG Speaks 2 Much

I had been in Thailand for about 6 months, but alas it was time to go back to the US. The plan was to be back in the states for about 6 weeks. This, I know, does not seem like a good plan.

It was good to be back in the US and I didn’t mind the winter conditions. I also didn’t mind the blatant rejections I was getting from the bar girls. These were not the bar girls I am used to in Sukumvit Soi 4, but actual girls at a bar (big difference). I saw a few girls that I liked, but was categorically shot down.

The highlights back home were the sporting events (and family of course). It is great to be in that atmosphere. As usual there are not many attractive girls at sporting events, especially football games. I went to some hockey games with the same result. However, one night there was an amazing girl sitting next to me. She was with her sister, both in their mid-twenties. I was on the job. She was very cool, pretty, fit and rowdy. At the game we had some beers. I got her number and I asked her to go out later. She said that she was going to a bar, with her friends, and asked if we wanted to join. It sounded perfect and I went with my friend. I was thrilled. Maybe I had been in Thailand too long because I pictured her ‘friends’ as five hot Thai women frolicking about, possibly playing pool. When I got there you guessed it, she was there with ten of her guy friends. This obviously was going no where and we cut bait. I had to leave the next day and there was still work to be done.

My friend had to go home to his wife and kids, but my brother came out. So, what else is there to do? We hit the strip bars! I was once again excited and I thought ‘I’m back’. As we walked in the first girl I saw was definitely a crack whore, and not in a good way. She had these lesions on her face, that could have been acne, but then on closer inspection they were all over her body. Mentally it was a big let down for me. Not so much because of the lesions, but I had envisioned a different type of girl. Once again the crack whore part didn’t bother me, but the lesions did. It was an emotional roller coaster.

My brother saw that I was disappointed and I explained that I was disturbed by the lesions. His reply was “Maybe they are good lesions.” I did a quick Google search in my brain with the key words: “LESIONS + GOOD” and got no responses. Google asked me if I meant “LESIONS + NOT GOOD” to which they had about 10 billion responses. He asked if I wanted to go, which at that point I realized I was in a strip bar, with naked women, and I cheered up again. I just had to shift my chair away from the chick with the lesions. I guess that is the Thai way to deal with a problem. Once in a while I would get a glimpse of her. She was one of those girls that lurks in the dark areas of the club. I’m never sure what goes on over there. She was definitely not a stage girl.

The strip bar was fun, but no action. My friend in Bangkok, who is a prominent bar owner and now owns an English pub in addition to a beer bar in Nana plaza, had a great idea. He said that I should try to wait until I got back to Bangkok to have sex or masturbate. He felt it would make it that much better when I got back. At this point it was no problem in the sex department as the girls decided my fate. I had also abstained form the act of masturbation, which was not as easy.

At this point I had to go to the Thai embassy in NYC for a tourist visa. When I was in Thailand, in December, the immigration officer added up all of the days I had been in Thailand since October. I have no idea what the travel rules are now, as they seem to change daily. I talked to the Thai guy at the US Embassy, on the phone, but he did not seem to speak any English, so I didn’t get any of my questions answered. This I am used to.

I went there in the morning and asked to get a visa with multiple entries. The Thai guy said he could only give me one entry. I made a rookie mistake and asked “Why?” to which he stepped back and would not address me. Finally I said “Ok, I’ll take the single entry.” I rolled the dice; we’ll see how it works out. He said I may have some problems if I try to come back in. As always it should be interesting. I completed my application, waited in line again only to find out they didn’t take any credit cards. I probably should have known this, even though I was not informed. So I had to leave, get money and return.

On my way back in there was a guy in his 50’s who was getting a Thai retirement visa. He seemed nice enough and I could picture him hanging out in Soi Nana at noon on a Tuesday yukkin’ it up for the bar girls. But anyways he seemed fine. While we were in line he asked if I had change for a twenty. I did and we exchanged money. He was ahead of me and completed his transaction without a problem.

When it came to my turn the women asked me for $50. I, once again, very naively gave her three twenties totaling $60. She took three steps back in shock and said “We don’t have change here.” I was shocked and once again made a rookie mistake and said “How could you not have change?” She took three more steps back and shook her head. Now the original Thai guy was scowling at me. I was still in shock. Shouldn’t there be a sign or something? That seems like important information that could make or break your trip. Anyways, the Thai women said “You shouldn’t have given your money to that guy”, she was right and now he was gone. I once again had to leave to find change. What a mess. I still don’t know how you don’t have change.

After a trip to a Bodega and another stint in line everything went fine. They offered to mail my visa for another $15. This sounded great and I even had correct change. Things were looking up. My friend had to go to the Thai Embassy in Canada. He had similar experiences of chaos and a shady bike messenger. He felt like it was like a ‘little piece of Thailand in Canada.’ This is true and to continue with Thailand as I was leaving the Embassy I saw a pretty Thai girl. We left the Embassy at the same time and walked in the same direction. At a stop light I used my pickup line “So ya going to Thailand?” Her reply “No, Philly.” Now, you might think that I can’t catch a break, but I was also going to Philly that night. She, and I, was happy. We exchanged numbers and planned to meet that night.

I met her in Philly after I was done working. I was with some friends and she was great to hang out with. She had lived in the US for about four years while getting her masters. Her family was still in Thailand. It also turned out that she worked for my friend part time. This did not seem to help my cause. There were no signs of hooking and I didn’t push the envelope, but instead made plans for the next night. This was to be my last night in Philly. We went out with my friends and her friends. It was a great time: drinking dancing etc. When it came time to pair up she said she didn’t want to leave her friend alone. Once again I have been in Thailand for too long as I immediately thought this was a good thing and a potential double team. At the very least I could have sequential sex with both of them.

But, of course, there was none of that going on. Her friend encouraged her to go with me, and I was shocked that she maintained her ‘no’ stance. I was disappointed to say the least. I stared at the TV for about an hour trying to piece the night back together again. Things were made worse when my friend came over and said he just had sex with a girl from Hong Kong. We met her and her friend that night. Her friend was pretty and also good to go. But, I was an idiot and brought a date. It seemed like a good idea at the time. When my friend told me he had sex with the one I uncontrollably yelled “I thought we were bringing dates tonight!” The next night I was going to DC and would not have another opportunity to see her. I thought she understood the rules of the traveling through a city in just a couple of days. There are some rules of engagement that need to be followed or else there is anarchy.

Off to DC for a Saturday night. I had a work function and was going to stay with my brother for the night. The function was for Vietnamese Americans…. The women were great, but it was more of a family atmosphere. After the function I was beat. I went back to my brothers place and we wound up watching Oceans Twelve. I know it sounds lame, but that is all I could muster. The next day we went to a great seafood brunch. As we were eating it started to snow. Snow is a disaster for DC and I had to drive all the way to NYC.

I got on the road and it was a snow storm. Which, in DC, means one inch of snow. There were accidents everywhere. What a disaster. I was going about 5 mph. At some points I was even stopped dead on the highway. At that point my body realized that I had not had sex in a long time: Went on two dates with a Thai girl without action, went to Vietnamese function- no action, and then watched Ocean’s Twelve on a Saturday night. Damn my bar owner friend and his advice to wait until I got back to Thailand. I was dying.

I was at a dead stop. Once sex was in my head all I could think about was getting some ass. I started looking at the cars around me for someone to make eye contact with, but nobody on I-495 caught my eye. The cars started moving again, which was good, but then there was another 5 car accident and we were at a stand still. I thought “Oh, Come on!!” This was killing me.

Then I did the unthinkable. I was at a dead standstill and nobody could see me, so I unzipped my pants and started to jerk off. I was really riled up, but then I came to my senses. I could not come - it would be a mess - this was inappropriate, so I stopped.

Just when all was lost, by the grace of god, I looked over and there was a McDonalds bag from three days ago. I looked inside and sure enough there were some napkins, relatively clean.

I basically made myself a shield, or chain mail, out of napkins. Now there was no stopping me. I went back to business with a vengeance. In no time I was coming like a geyser. The napkins caught the brunt of damage. What’s McDonald’s motto “I’m loving it”? Well, I felt totally relieved, and yes it was a new low. For all our friends who live in Thailand and complain about the ‘dating scene’, just think about the alternatives. A McDonalds bag on I-495 in DC: pathetic, but necessary.

Now I’m headed back to Thailand. I am locked and loaded and according to my visa I cannot leave the country for two months…..