The FARANG Speaks 2 Much

From time to time I try and make a solid effort to go somewhere new. We all know it is easy to find a place to get laid but I like to try some place new to me so I have something to write about. I do it for the blog. I was not really looking for full service because I wanted to kick back. I did not want to have to work for it. For some people that is really no issue I guess but I have talked about it before - when I use a condom I have to keep at it for a good solid 45 minutes plus still with the end result being that there is no grand finale so to speak. I will state it right now - feel free to post your suggestions but my guess is I have heard them all but as always I appreciate any advice. So being that I was not in the mood to do much more than lay on my back I decided to try a new massage place.

I rolled the motorcycle taxi dice and it up came soi 33. While crusing 33 I settled on Teen Massage VIP - # 3. Nothing too inviting on the outside but that is not what really matters is it?

Quick sidenote. One of the things I love about hanging in some of the gogo bars in Bangkok is watching people. Not the girls. The customers. You see all sorts and at times it just cracks me up. Just a quick snapshot of a few drinks whilst in Safari on Patpong:

Really drunk Hong Kong guy who could speak great Thai. Dancing, twirling and twisting to whatever song happened to be on with small interludes of an Elvis like hip thrusting move - which was also directed at a girl on the stage. I tried throwing some Chinese his way for shits and giggles but he was just too far gone.

Next was something right out of a movie. A lucianco pavoratti looking dude but with an unkept beard. Balding but with enough hair around the edges to make a futile attempt at one of worst cases of combover I had seen in decades. He had these mammoth gold rimmed glasses that appeared to cover his whole face. Open shirt, gold chains and those sansabelt pants that only my grandmother could love. To top it off he was sporting a major dickdo. I am sure he could not see his own feet. Dickdo? That is when your gut sticks out farther than your dick do. Got it? Anway. This guy was a classic but he came across as the swinging hipster, buying drinks, flirting with abandon and enjoying himself all the while. God love him.

Then there was the British couple. Popped in looking to see what Patpong was all about. They ordered drinks and checked out the ladies. The girl was quite tall, blonde but big framed. Huge boobs to go with her confident demeanor. She talked the whole time. Why can’t they show nipples? Do they take off there underwear? I don’t think she is so beautiful. Why do people come here? The motor mouth went on and on like an air raid siren at a picnic. Finally a break. She got up to go to the bathroom. The guy she was with leaned over to me and asked if I was a tourist or lived here. I said I lived here. He said lucky you. These women are so hot he said - God I wish I had come to Thailand alone. Enough said.

Back to the massage. I looked at the menu. Fairly typical but a couple of extra lines. 2 hour oil or lotion massage with a ball massage in the vip mirror room. I looked no further. Sign me up. I paid my 900 baht and waited. The girl behind the desk yelled out “Nuat oil gap kai song chuamong”. My Thai transliteration skills are not what they were given I have been out of school for sometime but you get the point. I knew exactly what the girl was saying and laughed. She looked back at me with her somewhat red face. She asked if I knew what she said and I said I had. She said sorry. So at this point I was not sure if they normally yell it out like a short order cook in a cheesy diner but I knew what she said and I was a little sheepish about it but oh well. For the record she called out that I was looking for a 2 hour oil massage with the ball massage. Nice. Everyone knows now that I was going to get my balls rubbed. Cool. Throw in an enema for good measure please. Alright so the staff jumps into motion and a girl shows up to take me to my VIP room.

I don’t know what it is these days but for some reason at the massage places I keep rolling the dice and it comes up ugly. Happened to me at Tulip and now Teen. I always remind myself that it is not about the looks but the skills. My same philisophy I apply at Lolitas. So I smiled and thought about my balls. We went to the VIP room but on the way I needed to use the bathroom. I was shown to a door and had to wait for some girl to expel whatever the morning somtam had down to her insides. What gives at these places? U know they are making a ton of cash so why can’t they have a bathroom for customers that the employees don’t use? For those special moments so to speak. Pit stop over we headed to the room.

The VIP room was not all that but okay. I am sure better than the non-VIP room. Sunken tub, mattress and a mirror. On the wall - not the celing so not sure it does not much in the whole mirror department but no worries. Okay. First step we all know is the cleaning. No shower no play. Jumped in the sunken tub and got scrubbed and rinsed by the girl. She stayed clothed during the whole exercise but it worked out okay. Then to the bed. First about an hour with me on my front side. It was quite a good massage and I was relaxing away the week. Then flipped me over and finished the rest of me off - this left about 40 mins or so for the well - know. She paused at this moment to ask what I wanted. Hand, blow or sex? I was intrigued since I was not sure sex was available but it seemed that it was. Either way I had already decided on the ball plus hand job so there was no need to ponder the question.

The rubbing commenced. At first it was uncomfortable since it was focused entirely on the balls and my groin area but I eased into it and it dawned on me that it started to feel great. Then she started to rub my johnson and I was getting the horn. I closed my eyes and thought of - boom. The silence was shattered by my phone ringing. I know most people turn their phone off but I can’t right now since we just opened a new bar and who knows what can go wrong. I looked at the caller ID and knew who it was and figured he was calling cause he knew I was mid-session and he was calling to wind me up. I didn’t answer it. She kept rubbing. Then the phone rang again and it was the same caller. This is basically code for a 911 so I had to answer. We chatted a bit about a computer problem, tried to treat it over the phone but to no avail. She kept rubbing all the while but I was losing my horn talking to a work buddy about a computer problem. 5 minutes on the phone and I realized I had to cut the massage short and go fix the problem. Had I listend to the symptoms better I would have sorted it on the phone but I was not thinking clearly. Anyway. I said I had to jet. Quick like. I knew at this point finishing would take at least 10-15 minutes plus I needed to rinse off and get dressed. I was out of time. I tipped her a bit but not much given the circumstances and jammed over to Silom.

On site I figured out the problem in 2 minutes. It killed me. Someone had put normal paper into the thermal bar printers. So the printers acted like they were printing but with no words since the paper was not thermal. I should have figured it out over the phone given the ghost printing but like I said my mind was on other things. All seems like a bit of a letdown but when I woke up the next morning I was starting to realize that the ball massage had done something since I had the worst case of blue balls since I was a teenager. Let’s just say I refrained from relieving myself until later that day when I met up with a ladyfriend of mine who promptly helped me to dispose of it all properly. I will have to get back to Teen massage sometime though and make sure I finish the deal onsite.

back to work…