The FARANG Speaks 2 Much

So I was out with a buddy on Soi Cowboy recently, when a Nana Plaza girl of my acquaintance phoned, asking if I was busy. I’m rarely too busy for her, so I invited her along. The three of us hit Deja Vu (strangely subdued), Sheba’s (ridiculously, the girls were sporting stick-on stars covering their nipples, even though they were otherwise naked), and finally Bacarra (still the hottest girls on Cowboy, even at 2am).

Off to Sukhumvit for a cheeseburger and fries, then back to my place. She got to sleep around dawn, and apart from an occasional toilet trip didn’t leave the bedroom until two nights later. Is this a record? Some Thai bargirls spend more time asleep than awake - I’m convinced of it.

Anyway, after two days and three nights of looking at the same girl, it was time for a change. So I teamed up with a friend and went on a late shopping spree on the Miracle Mile - that stretch of Sukhumvit populated by street bars, off-duty gogo girls, freelancers and even regular girls looking to supplement their income.

Where is everyone?

The whole of Sukhumvit was strangely subdued. Sure, there were pockets of girls here and there, but it was nowhere near as busy as I’d expected. Maybe there’s a new late-night disco I don’t know about. Surely they hadn’t all had a collective early night? Tequila Dragon is hugely popular at the moment, but it’s a small venue - they can’t possibly all be hiding out in there.

We decided to investigate. Soi 11 has a late night disco called Golden Eyes, where you can dance with a couple of aged, overweight girls in a dank, grimy room. Entry is ฿200, with one free drink. No thanks.

So we hit “the tunnel”, the covered back-street between Sukhumvit sois 5 & 7, home of Sanook bar. The pool tables are covered with bar-tops, on which girls ocassionally dance (one table’s left open for pool), but although it was a lot busier than Golden Eyes there still wasn’t much worth looking at. And the ฿160 price tag on our Heinekens didn’t help much either.

We checked the Rooftop Garden Bar but it was painfully quiet once again - this just left the disco on top of the woeful Sukhumvit One Plaza. They wanted a ฿250 entrance fee from each of us, and wouldn’t let us look inside first - fine, we’ll drink somewhere else.

We wandered up to Sin Bar on Sukhumvit soi 4, but it was closed. Eventually, and somewhat foolishly, we allowed a taxi driver to take us to a “nice open bar” somewhere up past Siam Square. Not only was it a blatant whore house, but beer was ฿200, and the “ladies” had seen rather better days.

Defeated, we went home - stopping at an all-night Thai beer garden for a nightcap on the way, obviously. Some nights you just don’t get the breaks…

Perched proudly on top of Sukhumvit Soi 5’s Foodland supermarket, the Rooftop Garden Bar is a rather more chilled alternative after-hours destination than the now uncomfortably-overcrowded Tequila Dragon.

Some places can be a victim of their own success, unfortunately. Since citing Angelwitch as Nana Plaza’s #1 gogo bar, for example, I have been quite unable to get a bench seat. A close-up view at the stage gives a great view, but you do run the risk of ending up with fluorescent body paint, moisturiser or whipped cream in your beer. Or a pair of knickers on your head.

Back to the Rooftop Garden Bar, this does seem to be suffering from quite the opposite fate at the moment - underattendance. Some nights are better than others, but it’s generally surprisingly quiet, given that there are three pool tables, a host of bar ladies, and a decent range of reasonably-priced beers. Worth a visit - hopefully the high season will be good to them.

It has long been said, quite correctly in my opinion, that we farangs will never truly be accepted here in Thailand - only tolerated. Ocassionally we catch a glimpse of the real Thailand - the real lives of the Thais - but it is usually by accident. We can never fully integrate here, because we are not Thai, and the first thing a Thai thinks when they see us is not “man”, “handsome”, “ugly”, “smart”, “tall” or anything else. It is “farang”.

I took a Nana Plaza showgirl out for her birthday recently - we have a casual relationship, which is by far the best kind of relationship to have in Bangkok - in my opinion. After the regular bars closed, we had to find an after-hours place. And I would never have found the one her friend took us to.

After winding through side-sois and dead ends, we finally came to a garden gate in a tiny residential soi. A single shifty-looking Thai guy guarded the entrance. He looked surprised to see me, but since I was with a known regular, he nodded us through - finger held to lips to indicate that we should be silent.

We tiptoed through someone’s garden, past rooms containing sleeping families, and eventually found ourselves in a surprisingly well-fitted Thai disco. Which on closer inspection was full of disconcertingly well-presented Thai guys.

Yes, they had taken me to an underground Thai gay bar. But hey, this is Bangkok. One can hardly be judgemental in this city. A sizeable amount of Red Label later, all was good. A towering katoey (ladyboy) attended to our drinks, and a constant trickle of Thai guys came over in turn to shake hands with (and wai) the farang.

I was effectively a curiousity, to be pointed at, sniffed, prodded and otherwise investigated (but not seduced, I hasten to add). And of course fleeced for cash - I doubt anyone else’s bar bill was as hefty as mine. Still, it was my girl’s birthday, and I got to see yet another element of Bangkok that I would never have found alone.