The FARANG Speaks 2 Much

Okay. Day 2 has dawned and I needed to be up and over to the Embassy. I am kind of a worry wart about these things so I was up earlier than needed and was at the Embassy before 9 even though they were not letting anyone in until after 9 and officially open for Visa business around 9:30. I have nightmares about forgetting some piece of paperwork, finding out my pictures for the visa have the wrong backdrop or having them tell me that I signed something in the wrong spot - get my drift? I freak out over this stuff but after helping a South African fill out his visa form and getting to see his super-fake supporting docs I figured it was a pretty safe bet for renewing my visa but that was only half the adventure for the day.

Let’s be clear on something. If I had a chance for a real holiday I would not be going to KL - in fact I would most likely go to a new country or go somewhere else in Thailand. These few days in KL have only reinforced how much I love Thailand and too easily take it for granted. I hear people bitch all the time about Thailand but yet they are still in Thailand because they know going to their home country sucks so I will not bash Thailand - only make fun of some of its finer points. Thailand has great food, is still cheap enough if u know where to look, the women turn your head everywhere u go(not KL) and I don’t want to beat up every taxi driver I meet - only the Tuk Tuk drivers.

So after eating the hotel buffett I landed outside in front of the hotel in search of a taxi. Sure there were like 10 of them out there but they all looked like crooks - and most were. One of the things I hate about Malaysia is that the Taxi’s have meters, are suppose to use them but never do. Nothing pisses me off more. So before I left the hotel I asked the front desk how much I should pay to get to the Thai Embassy. He said no more than 15. So the first taxi who refused to use the meter said it would be 25. I said go screw yourself. The next one said 20. Screw each other than for ease of use. So I flagged one down who was driving by and asked to go to the Thai Embassy with the meter and he said no but said he would charge me 12. Okay. Deal. Waved goodbye to my new friends in front of the hotel. Quick comment. Malaysia is always complaining about they don’t get enough tourists and how the city sometimes appears unfriendly to tourists. Go figure. Taxis are the front line of tourism and your country possesses some of the worst in Asia. Seems fixable to me.

I arrived at the Embassy early but the KL Embassy is very organized and once we were let in everyone signed in with a badge with a sequenced arrival number but that arrival number had nothing to do with the line for Visa which I think is a mistake. So once we get to the courtyard we grabbed our forms and filled them out. I had finished mine and a South African dude asked to borrow my pen. Which I handed over but then he asked me to fill out his form which I normally don’t like to do but he could not read a lick of English and very little Thai so I felt like I should do my good deed for the day.

I grabbed his form, his passport and supporting docs. First question - where is your home address? Bangkok. Okay good but u know a street name or apartment name? No. Nice. Company name and address? Kasmala Gems. Yeah. Not too generic there. Address? Bangkok. Nice one again. I look at the docs and can decipher some of the address and get a number and Sukhumvit and Soi. So the Thai classes are helping - at least to get some South African dude his one year visa using his fake paperwork. I finished off the rest of his stuff and handed back his paperwork. Then I got in line ahead of him so I would not have to answer any more questions. Once in the visa line they give u a number which they use for the line order and priority in handling the requests if they are too busy. I got number 9 and was done within 10 minutes and was leaving to go flag down another crooked taxi.

Back to my hotel for a quick nap and then off to an internet cafe. I figured I would look for a Starbucks knowing that they probably have wifi, a nice place to sit and somewhere to plug in. After a 10 minute walk I found a nice 2 story bucks with some good seats - plus I saw a sign showing it was a wifi spot. Jackpot. Unloaded my stuff and went to the counter to order. First I asked how to use the wifi and he said I needed a TM wifi card. TM is the national carrier - another Malaysian joke. I said okay. Hook me up. He said I needed to go to another spot to buy the card. I was like u r kidding right? He said go to so and so building to buy the card. I asked how far so and so building was and he said a 5 minute taxi ride or a 20 minute walk. Seriously u must be joking? U have a wifi hotspot but u dont sell the card to use it in the wifi hotspot? Nope. Well. I was not about to get in another freaking Proton cab and after it took him 5 minutes to tell me how to walk there I smiled and said thanks anyway.

So I walked back towards my hotel and found an internet cafe for gamers. As I mentioned yesterday that this was not an ideal spot so I packed up and went back to my hotel and then went looking for lunch/early dinner. I found some Thai food but it was not anything special and I paid more for it than I would have in Bangkok. I do not find KL to be good value for the money anymore. Anyway it was nice for some decent food and some chatter it Thai but I had a hard time understanding them as they did with me - must be the Chinese/Thai or Southern Thai differences but I managed my order and too explain my Thai tattoo.

Then I decided it was time for a mission and to explore the Massage Parlours - which apart from the karoake scene and the freelance scene in the clubs are the most popular destinations for nookie. So I jumped in a cab since I figured they would know best and I told him I wanted a middle of the road massage with bennies. Not high end but not scary. He got it. I won’t tell u where because I want to protect my own stupidity. So we show up at one of the middle of the road hotels that had a sign for a fitness club/spa. Ding Ding.

So I jumped out and popped into the "spa" to get some "fitness". It was somewhat dingy and Chinese styled - like they all seem to be in the places where the Chinese run the show. Made me miss Thailand - this place has nothing on Poiseden. So I talked to the manager(pimp) and said I wanted a good massage with a "happy" ending. I did not want the full meal deal in this place because I usually find it to be so clinical and boring and would rather have a decent massage with the finish. He said u want a lady? No. I would like a dude. What do u think? He said. All my ladies busy right now. I said okay. How about a good massage? WARNING! Sometimes we do things for good copy - to make the blog interesting. Let me just say that this is what happened next and all parts of this are true and I feel bad for it but I am sure someone somewhere is laughing there ass off and that is all that matters. CONTINUE!

He said they have good ladies for massage. Good Chinese massage. Okay. Lame plane flight. Stupid taxis. I could use a good massage. To hell with the nookie since there is plenty of that back home. Off I go. I was met in the lobby to the rooms by an older Chinese lady. 50+. Sure. 60+. I can’t be sure. Between 50 and 60. Sounds about right. But all in all I am sure she can give a good massage so that was all that mattered.

Jumped into the private rooms which clearly were not just for massage and I was asked to undress. I did. Hopped on the table just in time to see granny take her skirt off. What? Okay she had these huge grizzly adams like underwear meant to go over underwear shorts on so I breathed a sigh of relief. I don’t need trauma at this tender age. She started rubbing me down. Firmly but not to much so since i did not feel like screaming. Not yet. Damn. This was good. Probably one of the better Chinese style massages I have ever head. I was digging in. Flip over. More. Head massage. Arms. Heaven. Good choice. Dozing off.

Awake. Okay. All done. U want me to rub here? Grabs my meat and potatoes firmly and holds them for a sec? What? U want me to rub here? Feel good. Happy happy. I think I am okay but thanks. What? U no want? Only 20 ringit. I promise. U like. Alright. We all make decisions in life. Go left instead of right. Say yes when we should say no. U get my drift. I thought for a sec. 20. It was a good massage. Her hands are good. I bet she knows what she is doing. So I closed my eyes. Sure. Carry on. Oh my.

She did. Probably 20 minutes of the best happy ending I think I have ever had. I did not know one could be rubbed, pulled, tugged and massaged in that way. And I worked. Images of Old Faithful come to mind. I think she was even suprised but she did not lose a beat. Not one. Almost clinical in her quest for my supreme happiness. I was exhausted and took me a few before I was ready for the shower. I also felt funny but I did not let it bother me. A happy ending is a happy ending. Whether it was by someone’s Chinese grandmother or not. I kept my eyese closed. It felt great. Quick shower and out before someone I know sees me. I need therapy.

Back to the hotel to grab my bag and get blogging. That was yesterday’s post. I will post another on the nightime exploring for Day 2 and the remainder of the trip. Later!