The FARANG Speaks 2 Much

Most people from the West have never been to a Buddhist country before. While you’re unlikely to get into any real trouble through plain ignorance, you can avoid embarrassment by following a few simple rules. Here are ten tips:

1. The head is sacred. Never ever touch anyone’s head - from ruffling the hair of a cheeky street urchin, to playfully slapping the bald head of a monk. The head is considered the “highest” part of the body in Buddhism, and touching it with any “lower” part is never well-received. This doesn’t mean you can’t tenderly stroke your girl’s hair, nibble her earlobe, etc in the bedroom - just don’t touch her head, or anyone else’s, in public.
2. The feet are not sacred - far from it. In Thailand, feet are for standing on, nothing else. They’re considered the “lowest” part of the body. Sitting back and putting your feet up in public, using them to point, or doing anything other than just standing on them might offend. The obvious exception is when going for a foot massage - highly recommended!
3. Calm down. Be serene, be peaceful, be happy. A smile will get you so much further than you might expect here. Shouting, or general rowdy behaviour will just make you look like an idiot. Have a few beers, let your hair down, but try to do it without leaping around singing football songs and pushing your mates off their chairs. Physical tomfoolery or play-fighting, even between friends, is likely to get you beaten up, or carted off by the police.
4. Don’t wai. The wai is the prayer-like gesture used as a greeting, a thankyou, and a mark of respect by the Thais. Some old hands may disagree with this advice, but put simply, if you don’t understand the complex varieties of the wai then it’s best to avoid doing it. Thai society has a complex hierarchy, and it’s sometimes difficult for even the Thais to figure out what the appropriate wai is for particular people and situations. Just smile, nod, or offer a handshake. They won’t think any less of you, and might even appreciate this more.
5. Thais are a reserved, conservative people. No, really. Yes, this is the country of bargirls, gogo bars, and seedy massage parlours. But although you might assume that most Thai girls are hookers (especially if you never leave Nana or Patpong), this is really a tiny minority of society. Most traditional Thais would frown on even hand-holding in public. In reality, holding your Thai girl’s hand as you walk down the street is probably perfectly acceptable to most. Groping or kissing her in public is not. Save it for the bars and the bedroom.
6. Thais are better at fighting than you. No matter how handy you might think you are, there is only one of you. Start a fight, and every male Thai in the vicinity will jump in to remind you whose country you’re in. They may be smaller than you, but they’re not wimps. They’ve been training in the martial art of Muay Thai since childhood, and have been building up their shin muscles by kicking trees for decades. I’ve only ever seen one fight in Thailand, back in 2004. A huge American (who I wouldn’t have ever considered taking on) got utterly destroyed by the Thai barstaff of a pub when he decided he wanted to start a fight with a waiter. Then the police arrived and broke his nose with a baton for good measure.
7. The Royal Family is sacred. Thais revere their King - most would gladly die for him. No matter how alien this seems to you, don’t mock it. Insulting the Royal Family is a criminal offence in Thailand. Aside from avoiding making any verbal comments, be aware that Thai currency carries a picture of the King. So accidentally dropping a banknote or a coin, then stepping on it with your foot (see #2) might be more serious than you think.
8. Dress appropriately. Shorts are fine for the beach, but forbidden in temples. Some nightclubs have dress-codes similar to in the West. Generally, the smarter your appearance, the better the impression you’ll make. For day-to-day wear, jeans and a shirt or t-shirt are perfectly fine. Remove your shoes as you enter a home or temple. While you’re in the temple, don’t touch or pose with the Buddha statues - they too are sacred.
9. Corruption is rife. Bars will occasionally close (or at least stop serving alcohol) on religious holidays. Sometimes you’ll find an open bar, where a couple of policemen are eating and drinking for free. While they’re happy, the bar can serve beer. That’s just how it works here. Sometimes you’ll be stopped by the police and asked for ID - it always pays to carry a photocopy of your passport. If all is not in order, you can either pay a bribe or visit the police station. Usually you can just feign complete ignorance or ask for the Tourist Police, but sometimes it’s just easier all round to hand over a hundred baht and forget about it.
10. Don’t drink tap water. Bottled water is available everywhere, and is incredibly cheap. Some people warn that ice in drinks will be made from tap water and should be avoided - however I’ve never had any problems. Thai food is fantastic, and ridiculously cheap if you eat at the street-side food stalls.